(no subject)
Mmmmm... If I could purr, I would be. "What Rough Beast" by quercus is such a pretty pretty SG-1 story. Makes me want to travel. See Egypt, Africa, Chile -- or India as my grandparents recently did.
Such gorgeous fics set in far off places always convince me that I passionately, desparately want to travel. For approx. 25 minutes. And then I remember that I can't stand planes, I don't deal well with humidity or extreme heat or extreme cold, with my needle phobia there's no way I'd be able to take the proper precautions, I can't stand local insects, to say nothing of mysterious foriegn ones, and at this point in my life I have no one that I would ever want to take with me.
Fics like this also almost convince me that I don't really enjoy being single right now. For approx. 25 minutes.
I don't know. I'm not saying that I want to remain single for the entireity of my life. But. sometimes I think I'm not not saying that either. There are many things that I believe I'd enjoy more with a partner -- museums, vacations... and yet most of the time I really love being alone. From the age of 12 to the age of 22 or so I engaged myself in one committed relationship after another. And these past years of no real romantic involvements have been basically the most peaceful and happiest of my life so far. I sincerely enjoy being free to chose to do whatever I wish each day, and not have to bend my interests and personality to another's will. I didn't realize how much I was confining myself in day to day life until I just. stopped.
And now I don't know if I could give this freedome, this me-ness up.
Perhaps if I find that "perfect person", who not only accepts me for myself but also understands me and enjoys all parts of me, who can honestly wish to spend time how I like to spend it... who also enjoys a lot of time alone...
Then maybe I'd want to give it a try again. But right now, where I am, I just can't imagine dating any of these people that I meet. I want someone that understands the passion I will always have for sociology, for the why and how people do things, who enjoys going to movies alone, going to dinner alone, and just being apart for a large amount of time. (That's always been a huge struggle for me and human relationships - it's not them, it's me, and I must have someone who shares my need for space.) Someone to be a crazy fangurl with, to watch terrifically bad movies with, someone who won't think I'm a freak at all for enjoying both f/f and m/f slash even though I have only romantic love for women, someone who will be okay with me pulling up a chair and a large novel for the night and not saying a word. Not someone who will put up with these things, but honestly shares them.
and hell, I'll probably never find that. Impossible, right? And yet I don't know if I have it in me anymore to settle for less than what I desire.
Such gorgeous fics set in far off places always convince me that I passionately, desparately want to travel. For approx. 25 minutes. And then I remember that I can't stand planes, I don't deal well with humidity or extreme heat or extreme cold, with my needle phobia there's no way I'd be able to take the proper precautions, I can't stand local insects, to say nothing of mysterious foriegn ones, and at this point in my life I have no one that I would ever want to take with me.
Fics like this also almost convince me that I don't really enjoy being single right now. For approx. 25 minutes.
I don't know. I'm not saying that I want to remain single for the entireity of my life. But. sometimes I think I'm not not saying that either. There are many things that I believe I'd enjoy more with a partner -- museums, vacations... and yet most of the time I really love being alone. From the age of 12 to the age of 22 or so I engaged myself in one committed relationship after another. And these past years of no real romantic involvements have been basically the most peaceful and happiest of my life so far. I sincerely enjoy being free to chose to do whatever I wish each day, and not have to bend my interests and personality to another's will. I didn't realize how much I was confining myself in day to day life until I just. stopped.
And now I don't know if I could give this freedome, this me-ness up.
Perhaps if I find that "perfect person", who not only accepts me for myself but also understands me and enjoys all parts of me, who can honestly wish to spend time how I like to spend it... who also enjoys a lot of time alone...
Then maybe I'd want to give it a try again. But right now, where I am, I just can't imagine dating any of these people that I meet. I want someone that understands the passion I will always have for sociology, for the why and how people do things, who enjoys going to movies alone, going to dinner alone, and just being apart for a large amount of time. (That's always been a huge struggle for me and human relationships - it's not them, it's me, and I must have someone who shares my need for space.) Someone to be a crazy fangurl with, to watch terrifically bad movies with, someone who won't think I'm a freak at all for enjoying both f/f and m/f slash even though I have only romantic love for women, someone who will be okay with me pulling up a chair and a large novel for the night and not saying a word. Not someone who will put up with these things, but honestly shares them.
and hell, I'll probably never find that. Impossible, right? And yet I don't know if I have it in me anymore to settle for less than what I desire.