whatever happened to me
Yeah, what happened? Well, long story short... life happened. As usual, I should add. But it seems that at some point we all need to vent and no matter how many good friends are ready to listen to you, nothing beats putting it black on white. That's why I created this livejournal in the first place; writing to get back into writing. And writing is my life. Or it should be anyway.
I can't really complain about uni; everything is going great, the workload is more than last year's but it is manageable and, more to the point, it just gets better and better. I mean, I absolutely loathed Making Theatre Happen, the devising module for Drama, but Devising Theatre was so much more interesting/entertaining/insightful last semester. I won't even get into the English Lit modules because I'd just go off and give you all a full lecture on how awesome they are. This is why I came to Kingston.
No, what I really can complain about is how much I have not changed since my last failed relationship. Oh yes, you read that right, I need to vent about my failure as a long-term companion.
In 2008, I called myself 'pretty stupid' - as in, I'm pretty, but I'm pretty stupid. And how sad that it's still true to this day. No, I have not done the honourable thing and talked to my boyfriend (I hesitated in typing that) about all the doubts, fears, backtracking I've been feeling and acting on. No, I've just... avoided him. Quite skilfully, I must add. But now there's a pair of shoes in a box in my bedroom, and they are not mine, and I know I'll have to give them to him at some point this week. And I know that, no matter how good an actress I am, I will crumble as soon as we are alone. I will, in all probability, tell him the truth. What is the truth though? Is it as simple as I've been telling myself - he's getting attached and I'm wriggling my arm out of his grasp? He is the nicest guy I've been with in a long time, and he ticks so many of the right boxes in my book... That, according to one of my flatmates, is the crux of the situation. I don't feel, I just list the boxes that need ticking and assume that the... feelings... will come when the time is ripe. All I feel is nausea at the moment. And it's a feeling that's been growing for a while, though I ignored the symptoms. I did it because I'm not a bad girlfriend; I am the best girlfriend one could ever wish for. I am merely a despicable human being with a tendency to overanalyse.
That made me feel slightly better. I think I can finally go to bed and , potentially, sleep. G'night.
I can't really complain about uni; everything is going great, the workload is more than last year's but it is manageable and, more to the point, it just gets better and better. I mean, I absolutely loathed Making Theatre Happen, the devising module for Drama, but Devising Theatre was so much more interesting/entertaining/insightful last semester. I won't even get into the English Lit modules because I'd just go off and give you all a full lecture on how awesome they are. This is why I came to Kingston.
No, what I really can complain about is how much I have not changed since my last failed relationship. Oh yes, you read that right, I need to vent about my failure as a long-term companion.
In 2008, I called myself 'pretty stupid' - as in, I'm pretty, but I'm pretty stupid. And how sad that it's still true to this day. No, I have not done the honourable thing and talked to my boyfriend (I hesitated in typing that) about all the doubts, fears, backtracking I've been feeling and acting on. No, I've just... avoided him. Quite skilfully, I must add. But now there's a pair of shoes in a box in my bedroom, and they are not mine, and I know I'll have to give them to him at some point this week. And I know that, no matter how good an actress I am, I will crumble as soon as we are alone. I will, in all probability, tell him the truth. What is the truth though? Is it as simple as I've been telling myself - he's getting attached and I'm wriggling my arm out of his grasp? He is the nicest guy I've been with in a long time, and he ticks so many of the right boxes in my book... That, according to one of my flatmates, is the crux of the situation. I don't feel, I just list the boxes that need ticking and assume that the... feelings... will come when the time is ripe. All I feel is nausea at the moment. And it's a feeling that's been growing for a while, though I ignored the symptoms. I did it because I'm not a bad girlfriend; I am the best girlfriend one could ever wish for. I am merely a despicable human being with a tendency to overanalyse.
That made me feel slightly better. I think I can finally go to bed and , potentially, sleep. G'night.