the tenses--- so strange.
shannon opened this morning, so 5 a.m. found me sleeping in before feeding the new fish (Petuna) and getting all reflective in a simplistic, journally way, which i haven't done for a very long time.
past-present:
i am distant from life presently in a way that i can't explain. 'present' here is very broad... the angst and self-esteem issues that i started growing away from sophomore year took with them a rawness and an earnestness. in some ways i am much healthier, in many ways i am happier. but there was something reflective and desperate in trying to make myself believe in something i didn't for so many years.... and with it came an intense introspection that was fuel for growth and question and much much thought. now i've realized what i don't believe, and it's lost its pull... but there is no replacement 'what i do' to keep me on my toes--- aesthetic stage aesthetic stage aesthetic stage.
past:
i spent this morning reading old old old emails-- 4 and 5 and 6 years old. emails with ginny about weathering the transition to college. emails to amanda about jesus. emails to 70 people from lab about why i was grounded over easter. and there are more--there are peacock emails in there, and whole folders of jess and liisa and a dash of angelique--but i can only take so much at a time. it's so strange to read through things you thought you remembered. but when not laid out in my past-tense storyboard, there's a lot more feeling to them.
it hasn't really registered that college is finished-- weddings, shannon, and geography keep me within a certain proximity of certain pieces. but the high school stuff--dances and football games and going on walks, summers at lab and at workcamp and 2 oh-so-well gravel lanes--it's strange to realize that not only has it all passed....but it is far enough away that its memory is almost entirely self-contained. it feels different from everything i have now, and very little has streaked into the other end of college. those few streaks there are get thinner the further from the paint they get, and a couple have changed so much that they're wholly different, almost new.
present-future:
radish will not last past september...and while its lustre is leaving (perhaps because i know i will be too), there are parts of it i do not want to leave. brandy, learning, and honest eye contact with readers, specifically. shannon works and i work, and in between we cook and bike and read, we feed ducks, work out, and take yoga. these are good days. but school will start for her, and radish will end for me. change will happen, so i need to start looking sincerely. the way i see the future now is both liberating and threatening: it is freshness and it is a traitor. so mark me cliche, but i need to make it mine.
past-present:
i am distant from life presently in a way that i can't explain. 'present' here is very broad... the angst and self-esteem issues that i started growing away from sophomore year took with them a rawness and an earnestness. in some ways i am much healthier, in many ways i am happier. but there was something reflective and desperate in trying to make myself believe in something i didn't for so many years.... and with it came an intense introspection that was fuel for growth and question and much much thought. now i've realized what i don't believe, and it's lost its pull... but there is no replacement 'what i do' to keep me on my toes--- aesthetic stage aesthetic stage aesthetic stage.
past:
i spent this morning reading old old old emails-- 4 and 5 and 6 years old. emails with ginny about weathering the transition to college. emails to amanda about jesus. emails to 70 people from lab about why i was grounded over easter. and there are more--there are peacock emails in there, and whole folders of jess and liisa and a dash of angelique--but i can only take so much at a time. it's so strange to read through things you thought you remembered. but when not laid out in my past-tense storyboard, there's a lot more feeling to them.
it hasn't really registered that college is finished-- weddings, shannon, and geography keep me within a certain proximity of certain pieces. but the high school stuff--dances and football games and going on walks, summers at lab and at workcamp and 2 oh-so-well gravel lanes--it's strange to realize that not only has it all passed....but it is far enough away that its memory is almost entirely self-contained. it feels different from everything i have now, and very little has streaked into the other end of college. those few streaks there are get thinner the further from the paint they get, and a couple have changed so much that they're wholly different, almost new.
present-future:
radish will not last past september...and while its lustre is leaving (perhaps because i know i will be too), there are parts of it i do not want to leave. brandy, learning, and honest eye contact with readers, specifically. shannon works and i work, and in between we cook and bike and read, we feed ducks, work out, and take yoga. these are good days. but school will start for her, and radish will end for me. change will happen, so i need to start looking sincerely. the way i see the future now is both liberating and threatening: it is freshness and it is a traitor. so mark me cliche, but i need to make it mine.