on wednesdays
wednesdays are interesting days....the past two have been disturbing...generally things happen around 11am...things that shake what little faith i have in my perception of reality...things that make me want to curl into the fetal position and lie still on a cold stone floor and to breathe shallowly while i wait for my throat to reopen enough so that i can scream..or maybe try and form words...instead i bite back tears and send a text message knowing that it is already too late...but that i will be obliged none the less...in a way it makes me feel better to ask for things i know you cannot give me knowing that at the very least you will think about trying...
but in all fairness things are happening at a good time...i actually have time to sit with myself and plot and take things into account as opposed to being incredibly busy and having to put things on hold...but does this mean that i will work up the nerve to have the conversations that part of my believes i need to have? part of me really really doubts that...
primarily that doubt is based in the intrinsic deep seated knowledge of the fact that none of you are here to stay in any sense of permanence...as a child my deepest fear was being abandoned by the people i invested my self in...i mastered that fear by resigning myself to the fact that people i commit to will leave eventually regardless of what they say...and i live with that knowledge on an everyday basis...in terms of mortality and in terms of abandonment...it makes it easier to handle because i can say i knew it all along...and yeah...it stops me from having a number of conversations that i sometimes want to have because i know when in five years i am facing the repercussions of making the decisions i discussed, the people i had those discussions with will no longer be a part of my life...so instead i have the discussions with myself because i know i will be here for me...
so it's not that i don't value and respect you...i do and i value you...but i know you won't be here..maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month..maybe in five years...so i miss you while you're here which makes it easier when i mis you when you're gone...because you will all go and i'll be here with me...
but in all fairness things are happening at a good time...i actually have time to sit with myself and plot and take things into account as opposed to being incredibly busy and having to put things on hold...but does this mean that i will work up the nerve to have the conversations that part of my believes i need to have? part of me really really doubts that...
primarily that doubt is based in the intrinsic deep seated knowledge of the fact that none of you are here to stay in any sense of permanence...as a child my deepest fear was being abandoned by the people i invested my self in...i mastered that fear by resigning myself to the fact that people i commit to will leave eventually regardless of what they say...and i live with that knowledge on an everyday basis...in terms of mortality and in terms of abandonment...it makes it easier to handle because i can say i knew it all along...and yeah...it stops me from having a number of conversations that i sometimes want to have because i know when in five years i am facing the repercussions of making the decisions i discussed, the people i had those discussions with will no longer be a part of my life...so instead i have the discussions with myself because i know i will be here for me...
so it's not that i don't value and respect you...i do and i value you...but i know you won't be here..maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month..maybe in five years...so i miss you while you're here which makes it easier when i mis you when you're gone...because you will all go and i'll be here with me...