More on Family
Someone directed me to Captain Awkward last night because there's a new post that addresses issues I'm having with my family. It hit really close to home.
Let me start again, since I just took a 30 minute break from the computer instead of continuing this entry.
Yesterday I went to see the rabbi. We were supposed to talk about other things, but I needed to talk about family more, so that's what we did. At some point he suggested a possible solution to "do I want to send my mother a graduation invitation?" I'm not sure which way to go on that. The rabbi suggested the possibility of making my mother "earn" the invitation--if she's nice to me, then I'll give it to her. If not, tough shit. That might be a viable solution. I'm not sure.
I've been noticing lately that I cry less. I think it might be as a result of meditation and stabilizing my mental state. I let emotion out in meditation instead of trying to bottle it in, so I have just brief crying spurts rather than sobbing for two hours at a time. I'm more in control these days. I freak out a little less while talking out issues, too. Like, it takes more for me to cry, not because I'm always holding it in but because I'm giving myself frequent chances to let it out in private. I'm more likely to notice avoidance patterns like what I did yesterday, spending hours watching Once Upon A Time so that I wouldn't think. Eventually it stopped working, and I let myself cry it out. And I didn't feel completely drained at the end of it.
Back to Captain Awkward. That particular post talks a lot about narratives and "wars" to get someone's approval. That's...what's happening. My mother controls the family narratives. Because I'm no longer willing to fit inside the box she assigned me, she's angry and lashing out. Which doesn't really make it hurt less, but it helps, a little, to understand why things are happening.
I'm no longer a child and I'm breaking off from the family. Ergo, there must be something wrong with *me* that I'm leaving, rather than them driving me farther away every time they do something like my mother did on Facebook.
I'm going to have to be okay with that, because I don't think there's any good way to "win" this. So. My solution is to stay with my chosen family, with people who want to support me, not control me. And so Shauna becomes Shira.
The main thing I'm worried about is my car. My mother's name is on the title with mine, and she's the one who has it. I'm also on her car insurance, which needs to change. *sigh* I need to put aside a couple hundred dollars to finish untangling my financial stuff from hers. New insurance, new title. Closing our joint bank account. Giving up taxes from last year as lost, whether or not the government finishes their audit and gives her her taxes. I should probably find a way to let extended family know that I have a new address, as well.
She could fuck things up badly if she decides she wants to, especially with my car. Sigh. My dad wants to talk me into getting something with four-wheel drive, anyway. Maybe I can find a way to do that sooner rather than later and just sell my car. *shrug* Something to think about.
Let me start again, since I just took a 30 minute break from the computer instead of continuing this entry.
Yesterday I went to see the rabbi. We were supposed to talk about other things, but I needed to talk about family more, so that's what we did. At some point he suggested a possible solution to "do I want to send my mother a graduation invitation?" I'm not sure which way to go on that. The rabbi suggested the possibility of making my mother "earn" the invitation--if she's nice to me, then I'll give it to her. If not, tough shit. That might be a viable solution. I'm not sure.
I've been noticing lately that I cry less. I think it might be as a result of meditation and stabilizing my mental state. I let emotion out in meditation instead of trying to bottle it in, so I have just brief crying spurts rather than sobbing for two hours at a time. I'm more in control these days. I freak out a little less while talking out issues, too. Like, it takes more for me to cry, not because I'm always holding it in but because I'm giving myself frequent chances to let it out in private. I'm more likely to notice avoidance patterns like what I did yesterday, spending hours watching Once Upon A Time so that I wouldn't think. Eventually it stopped working, and I let myself cry it out. And I didn't feel completely drained at the end of it.
Back to Captain Awkward. That particular post talks a lot about narratives and "wars" to get someone's approval. That's...what's happening. My mother controls the family narratives. Because I'm no longer willing to fit inside the box she assigned me, she's angry and lashing out. Which doesn't really make it hurt less, but it helps, a little, to understand why things are happening.
I'm no longer a child and I'm breaking off from the family. Ergo, there must be something wrong with *me* that I'm leaving, rather than them driving me farther away every time they do something like my mother did on Facebook.
I'm going to have to be okay with that, because I don't think there's any good way to "win" this. So. My solution is to stay with my chosen family, with people who want to support me, not control me. And so Shauna becomes Shira.
The main thing I'm worried about is my car. My mother's name is on the title with mine, and she's the one who has it. I'm also on her car insurance, which needs to change. *sigh* I need to put aside a couple hundred dollars to finish untangling my financial stuff from hers. New insurance, new title. Closing our joint bank account. Giving up taxes from last year as lost, whether or not the government finishes their audit and gives her her taxes. I should probably find a way to let extended family know that I have a new address, as well.
She could fuck things up badly if she decides she wants to, especially with my car. Sigh. My dad wants to talk me into getting something with four-wheel drive, anyway. Maybe I can find a way to do that sooner rather than later and just sell my car. *shrug* Something to think about.