Speaking of Shabbat...(On fear and pain)
Last night we were discussing a song written by King David, and somewhere in the conversation the question was asked "Why would he want shelter? What was he afraid of?" And someone responded "Pain."
And it struck me that I am, in fact, afraid of pain, even though I'm so constantly hurting. I avoid some things because I'm afraid of getting hurt worse, even if it would be really fun and potentially good for me. Every time I have a flare up, I suddenly am fighting a very strong emotional reaction that's rooted in fear--Will it ever go away? How many more times is this going to happen? I don't want to hurt, I don't want to worry about pain, I...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of the physical pain and the emotional pain. Maybe the first in part because of the second. What would happen if I could free myself from that fear? If I wasn't afraid, no matter how much I hurt? I think it would be a great thing, if it ever came to be. The question then is, how do I release the fear? I have little hope that the pain will go away anytime soon. That leaves...the fear of the pain and all the thoughts that come with both.
But how do I stop being afraid?
And it struck me that I am, in fact, afraid of pain, even though I'm so constantly hurting. I avoid some things because I'm afraid of getting hurt worse, even if it would be really fun and potentially good for me. Every time I have a flare up, I suddenly am fighting a very strong emotional reaction that's rooted in fear--Will it ever go away? How many more times is this going to happen? I don't want to hurt, I don't want to worry about pain, I...
I've come to the conclusion that I'm afraid of the physical pain and the emotional pain. Maybe the first in part because of the second. What would happen if I could free myself from that fear? If I wasn't afraid, no matter how much I hurt? I think it would be a great thing, if it ever came to be. The question then is, how do I release the fear? I have little hope that the pain will go away anytime soon. That leaves...the fear of the pain and all the thoughts that come with both.
But how do I stop being afraid?