(no subject)
i needed to write for some reason its been along time since ive posted
As I sit here in bed listening to Garth Brooks “The Dance” I realize that I am in pain, I have hit rock bottom once again in my “roller coaster of life” I don’t know what exactly started the downward spiral this time but this time is different from the rest I am not sure exactly how or what makes this time different but one thing I know is that I don’t know how to get out of this spiral this time. This time I see no “light at the end of the tunnel”. Today I finally felt comfortable going to NA meeting I reached out and helped someone in one of my meetings and it felt good. But that feeling was short lived. A co-worker of mine gave me his nicotine patches that he decided not to use I started them tonight. I am going to try and stop smoking once and for all.
I keep having the urge to buy a plane ticket and leave no were specific just out of Austin out of Texas or to get in my truck and see how far I can get. I just wish I could start my life over somewhere new, I keep thinking and hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare I call “my life”. I am at a point I do not want to be around anyone I don’t want to talk to anyone isolation seems to be the answer although I know its not that it will only make things worse.
I have a friend I met years ago only knew her less then a week but in that week I feel in love with her I have not seen her since that week in Colorado about 5 years ago we still talk every now and again. When I met this girl she had low self-esteem and self-confidence in less then a week people that knew her noticed she was different in less then a week I had helped her realize how much she was worth. Now I have never met this girls mother in real life but I have talked to her several times and I remember one of the first times I talked to her after amber got home and she asked me what I had done to her daughter and I thought I was in trouble till she told me she had never seen amber so happy or happy with herself. Now time goes by and ambers mom gets to know me she has offered to let me live with her she considers me her son.
This lady I have never met answered the phone very late one night when I called I was not to well at all when I called she was asleep I woke her up she talked to me for a few minutes and I let her go I didn’t want to trouble her but less then 5 minutes she called me back because she knew something was wrong and we talked for an hour or so which she was paying for because it was long distance this wonderful women I have never met my mother as I have come to know her as told me that she loves me…. When my own mother couldn’t say she loves me when my own mother had turned her back on me when I was in a crisis. I wish I could afford a plane ticket to West Virginia where she lives I need to and will eventually get to meet her. I have been so tempted to call her tonight I just wish she was close enough to hug me. Amber and her Mother are the only two people that no matter what is wrong with me or no matter how isolated I have made myself no matter how much I do not want to talk to or be around anyone they are the only two people in this world in my life that have always been there for me that I fall back on in my darkest moments.
I plan on going to see amber again and meet my “mother” just as soon as all my court crap is completely done with and I have a feeling when that time comes I may never return from there. Goggle or yahoo maps has a new feature that allows you to see satellite images of locations I went there and got to see the small town they live in and its beautiful even from space.
Its now 1:30 AM Monday and I still cant sleep I don’t know if its to much caffeine, insomnia, this patch, depression or a combination but I cant write anymore. I hate writing this is the first time in probably a year I have written let alone this much that should show to those of you who know me had far this downward spiral has taken me.
As I sit here in bed listening to Garth Brooks “The Dance” I realize that I am in pain, I have hit rock bottom once again in my “roller coaster of life” I don’t know what exactly started the downward spiral this time but this time is different from the rest I am not sure exactly how or what makes this time different but one thing I know is that I don’t know how to get out of this spiral this time. This time I see no “light at the end of the tunnel”. Today I finally felt comfortable going to NA meeting I reached out and helped someone in one of my meetings and it felt good. But that feeling was short lived. A co-worker of mine gave me his nicotine patches that he decided not to use I started them tonight. I am going to try and stop smoking once and for all.
I keep having the urge to buy a plane ticket and leave no were specific just out of Austin out of Texas or to get in my truck and see how far I can get. I just wish I could start my life over somewhere new, I keep thinking and hoping that I will wake up from this nightmare I call “my life”. I am at a point I do not want to be around anyone I don’t want to talk to anyone isolation seems to be the answer although I know its not that it will only make things worse.
I have a friend I met years ago only knew her less then a week but in that week I feel in love with her I have not seen her since that week in Colorado about 5 years ago we still talk every now and again. When I met this girl she had low self-esteem and self-confidence in less then a week people that knew her noticed she was different in less then a week I had helped her realize how much she was worth. Now I have never met this girls mother in real life but I have talked to her several times and I remember one of the first times I talked to her after amber got home and she asked me what I had done to her daughter and I thought I was in trouble till she told me she had never seen amber so happy or happy with herself. Now time goes by and ambers mom gets to know me she has offered to let me live with her she considers me her son.
This lady I have never met answered the phone very late one night when I called I was not to well at all when I called she was asleep I woke her up she talked to me for a few minutes and I let her go I didn’t want to trouble her but less then 5 minutes she called me back because she knew something was wrong and we talked for an hour or so which she was paying for because it was long distance this wonderful women I have never met my mother as I have come to know her as told me that she loves me…. When my own mother couldn’t say she loves me when my own mother had turned her back on me when I was in a crisis. I wish I could afford a plane ticket to West Virginia where she lives I need to and will eventually get to meet her. I have been so tempted to call her tonight I just wish she was close enough to hug me. Amber and her Mother are the only two people that no matter what is wrong with me or no matter how isolated I have made myself no matter how much I do not want to talk to or be around anyone they are the only two people in this world in my life that have always been there for me that I fall back on in my darkest moments.
I plan on going to see amber again and meet my “mother” just as soon as all my court crap is completely done with and I have a feeling when that time comes I may never return from there. Goggle or yahoo maps has a new feature that allows you to see satellite images of locations I went there and got to see the small town they live in and its beautiful even from space.
Its now 1:30 AM Monday and I still cant sleep I don’t know if its to much caffeine, insomnia, this patch, depression or a combination but I cant write anymore. I hate writing this is the first time in probably a year I have written let alone this much that should show to those of you who know me had far this downward spiral has taken me.