Straight Off of Xanga
and if Winter reads this, don't reply to this one too, ok?
All right, I'm not dead yet.
Just wish I was....
I haven't been in the best of moods lately, and since I had something go on last Friday, I haven't been able to stop crying every night and I even get teary eyed in the mornings before I go to school....which I started bawling Tuesday morning and blamed it more on my upset stomach than the real reason....
Yesterday I went home early because stress had built up on me and I couldn't take it anymore....I just couldn't. I was getting a headache and I couldn't breathe, was almost like I was suffocating. So I left at the end of 3rd period.
I thank Venisha and Hollie ONLY for caring about what had happened to me. Mostly Hollie because she actually took the time to sit down with me and talk to me about things yesterday morning that made me happier. Venisha, of course, I can't ever stay mad at her, no no. Shouldn't have been upset to begin with, and yet she drew a pretty picture in my sketchbook with me and her, and written around it was "I love my Mel!"
When I got home and saw it I cried, but it was a good cry.
I don't feel comfortable about talking to others about things anymore, especially one person in particular, because she only talks to me when she's feeling down or upset or whatever.
I've shown how good of a friend I can be, and I'm sorry that I do not try TOO hard to do things with others, but as much as I say here and there "wish we could go do something.." and nobody really goes along with it, then *shrugs* I'm just stuck doing things with family.
This is the only way I know for my friends at school to see what I'm going through in some ways.
You have to know that unlike most of you, I'm alone. Nearly forgotten in most cases. Unlike most of you, there are no guys interested in me, and I will likely have nobody to go with to the prom. Just like homecoming.
I see NO point in going to the prom just to be hurt by the reminder during every slow song that nobody went with me, and that for most songs I will be standing alone.....not to mention I can't dance that well but I wonder why.
I'm rambling on and on, but who cares, its my Xanga. If none of you like what I say, don't read it, because this makes me feel better. I deserve to feel better I think. Even if its just rambling and most of the mean things I say I don't mean.
Irony of my life, here it is:
The moment I feel like I could possibly like someone nearby, and go to tell them, someone else pulls them away, leaving me alone.
Things work out for the best, but damn it, its starting to hurt very much...it has happened to Spencer, Eric, lets seeeee....Kyle *cough*bastard*cough*, and someone else I will not mention here because there is no point in saying it out loud, and knowing he just might possibly still read my Xanga.
Point is, is that I'm hurting, and I'm getting sick and tired of being the one left out....everyone thinks that they're in the worse position. I used to didn't think I was, but here lately I don't know anymore.
I have no job. I don't go out and do things with friends. I have no boyfriend here (which means nobody to hug me and tell me things are ok). I have parents that don't trust me. I have a dad that constantly yells at me. I have to buy my own computer in order to continue WORKING on one, because my dad doesn't want me on his anymore. I have a sister that has two children that misbehaves. I have another sister that refuses to get a job and bums off the other sister. That sister never bought me and my family anything for our birthdays, and something cheap for Christmas (thought that counts, but still..). That sister won't pay rent and her bills. I HAVE PEOPLE THAT WON'T TALK TO ME. I have lost touch with Mmatt completely, and I no longer care about Liam. I LOST MY CAT WINTER. I cry every night and sometimes wish I was dead. I use my letter opener to do things I shouldn't, but I don't care. I'M NOT AFRAID OF DYING ANYMORE. I'm emotionally dying. I can't remember things anymore. All I feel is pain and suffering. I can't stand to talk to some people sometimes, because their caring nature actually upsets me. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
So you see, I'm screwed up. I've tried to get myself out of this, but every time I try, I get pulled in further and further.
It hurts.
I need to consider a shrink, but that would mean my parents would have to pay for that. ANOTHER PROBLEM. because even though my dad has his own business, we only get enough money to pay bills. My mom only gets enough for food. Which means I don't see the priviledge of having my parents buy me something because I want it. ANOTHER PROBLEM. I don't find the need to want anything anymore. Except to get away from here.
Just too many issues, its building up, and I'm breaking apart. As soon as I graduate from school (IF I do), I won't see many of you ever again....IT HURTS, DAMNIT.
I don't care to see people kissing because everytime I do, I want to hurt them. Just throw something at them. May it be a book or a blade or what the hell ever.
I know many of you will say "Its not fair" about me fussing about happiness, but you know, I've always tried to keep my mouth shut. I've tried to solve my prblems myself because nobody really cares. If you cared, you would try to talk to me more instead of just waiting for me to contact you. You would email me, leave me offline messages, whatever.
I often wondered what it would be like once I'm gone forever. If anyone would miss me at all....some don't even realize when I'm not at school.
I just want to be happy again...is it really just that hard?
Is it?
To know that everyone around you is happy except for yourself, its enough to commit suicide.
I don't want anyone to go "I'm sorry" or pat me on the head or give me a hug and walk away.
All I want is for people to know that I AM NOT HAPPY AT ALL....and respect that. I want people to know that I DO cry almost everynight and every morning. Seems like its why I wake up so early, to go ahead and cry it all out before I get to school.
I have people that still make fun of me. I know it. I see it during lunch, sometimes in my 3rd period, and sometimes during 4th. The juniors basically call me a dumbass because I'm the senior. I'm the oldest, and it doesn't help I have a C in there because I had missed a test and made a few bad grades on homework.....homework that I didn't do because I cried all night and didn't tell anyone.
I just......just....
.......*depression*
All right, I'm not dead yet.
Just wish I was....
I haven't been in the best of moods lately, and since I had something go on last Friday, I haven't been able to stop crying every night and I even get teary eyed in the mornings before I go to school....which I started bawling Tuesday morning and blamed it more on my upset stomach than the real reason....
Yesterday I went home early because stress had built up on me and I couldn't take it anymore....I just couldn't. I was getting a headache and I couldn't breathe, was almost like I was suffocating. So I left at the end of 3rd period.
I thank Venisha and Hollie ONLY for caring about what had happened to me. Mostly Hollie because she actually took the time to sit down with me and talk to me about things yesterday morning that made me happier. Venisha, of course, I can't ever stay mad at her, no no. Shouldn't have been upset to begin with, and yet she drew a pretty picture in my sketchbook with me and her, and written around it was "I love my Mel!"
When I got home and saw it I cried, but it was a good cry.
I don't feel comfortable about talking to others about things anymore, especially one person in particular, because she only talks to me when she's feeling down or upset or whatever.
I've shown how good of a friend I can be, and I'm sorry that I do not try TOO hard to do things with others, but as much as I say here and there "wish we could go do something.." and nobody really goes along with it, then *shrugs* I'm just stuck doing things with family.
This is the only way I know for my friends at school to see what I'm going through in some ways.
You have to know that unlike most of you, I'm alone. Nearly forgotten in most cases. Unlike most of you, there are no guys interested in me, and I will likely have nobody to go with to the prom. Just like homecoming.
I see NO point in going to the prom just to be hurt by the reminder during every slow song that nobody went with me, and that for most songs I will be standing alone.....not to mention I can't dance that well but I wonder why.
I'm rambling on and on, but who cares, its my Xanga. If none of you like what I say, don't read it, because this makes me feel better. I deserve to feel better I think. Even if its just rambling and most of the mean things I say I don't mean.
Irony of my life, here it is:
The moment I feel like I could possibly like someone nearby, and go to tell them, someone else pulls them away, leaving me alone.
Things work out for the best, but damn it, its starting to hurt very much...it has happened to Spencer, Eric, lets seeeee....Kyle *cough*bastard*cough*, and someone else I will not mention here because there is no point in saying it out loud, and knowing he just might possibly still read my Xanga.
Point is, is that I'm hurting, and I'm getting sick and tired of being the one left out....everyone thinks that they're in the worse position. I used to didn't think I was, but here lately I don't know anymore.
I have no job. I don't go out and do things with friends. I have no boyfriend here (which means nobody to hug me and tell me things are ok). I have parents that don't trust me. I have a dad that constantly yells at me. I have to buy my own computer in order to continue WORKING on one, because my dad doesn't want me on his anymore. I have a sister that has two children that misbehaves. I have another sister that refuses to get a job and bums off the other sister. That sister never bought me and my family anything for our birthdays, and something cheap for Christmas (thought that counts, but still..). That sister won't pay rent and her bills. I HAVE PEOPLE THAT WON'T TALK TO ME. I have lost touch with Mmatt completely, and I no longer care about Liam. I LOST MY CAT WINTER. I cry every night and sometimes wish I was dead. I use my letter opener to do things I shouldn't, but I don't care. I'M NOT AFRAID OF DYING ANYMORE. I'm emotionally dying. I can't remember things anymore. All I feel is pain and suffering. I can't stand to talk to some people sometimes, because their caring nature actually upsets me. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE.
So you see, I'm screwed up. I've tried to get myself out of this, but every time I try, I get pulled in further and further.
It hurts.
I need to consider a shrink, but that would mean my parents would have to pay for that. ANOTHER PROBLEM. because even though my dad has his own business, we only get enough money to pay bills. My mom only gets enough for food. Which means I don't see the priviledge of having my parents buy me something because I want it. ANOTHER PROBLEM. I don't find the need to want anything anymore. Except to get away from here.
Just too many issues, its building up, and I'm breaking apart. As soon as I graduate from school (IF I do), I won't see many of you ever again....IT HURTS, DAMNIT.
I don't care to see people kissing because everytime I do, I want to hurt them. Just throw something at them. May it be a book or a blade or what the hell ever.
I know many of you will say "Its not fair" about me fussing about happiness, but you know, I've always tried to keep my mouth shut. I've tried to solve my prblems myself because nobody really cares. If you cared, you would try to talk to me more instead of just waiting for me to contact you. You would email me, leave me offline messages, whatever.
I often wondered what it would be like once I'm gone forever. If anyone would miss me at all....some don't even realize when I'm not at school.
I just want to be happy again...is it really just that hard?
Is it?
To know that everyone around you is happy except for yourself, its enough to commit suicide.
I don't want anyone to go "I'm sorry" or pat me on the head or give me a hug and walk away.
All I want is for people to know that I AM NOT HAPPY AT ALL....and respect that. I want people to know that I DO cry almost everynight and every morning. Seems like its why I wake up so early, to go ahead and cry it all out before I get to school.
I have people that still make fun of me. I know it. I see it during lunch, sometimes in my 3rd period, and sometimes during 4th. The juniors basically call me a dumbass because I'm the senior. I'm the oldest, and it doesn't help I have a C in there because I had missed a test and made a few bad grades on homework.....homework that I didn't do because I cried all night and didn't tell anyone.
I just......just....
.......*depression*