After a long hiatus, the story continues.
So....
Here we are again. I wonder if this is really the best idea.
Yes.
It is. Alright. It makes sense to me now, because in that fraction of a second I was able to gain an understanding and an answer without actually pondering for any great amount of time.
I'm actually rambling, even though it doesn't seem like it.
Let me start over ^_^*.
I just came from therapy. I'm seeing this new therapist who has experience dealing with OCD. This year, I will beat my OCD. It says so on my Dream Board.
Anyway... so this is my second time talking to her. I like her. Ridley. She thinks I should start writing again. Journaling. She wanted me to start tomorrow, but why wait? She suggested something more private, that isn't open for other people to read. But... this just seems and feels right to me. It's what this place was created for. Why shouldn't it be used as such?
The truth is, I let someone chase me away from here. And... that was damaging to me without me even fully realizing it. I let someone silence me and I became ashamed and afraid to speak my mind again, even in a place that I created with the intent of only speaking my true mind with no fear whatsoever. And there, as you see, is where the damaging part comes in. If I feel unable to speak my mind in a place I created with that intent, then... where will I EVER feel able to speak my mind again? So I feel that this is the place to do it.
Besides...
If he still reads this journal, then that's his issue and not mine.
DISCLAIMER: This journal, although an open forum, is not created for anyone but me. As a result, sometimes what I write here will be mopey, and sad... and sometimes it may even be very down on myself and full of misery and despair. It's my diary. If this bothers you, then stop reading it. I don't want that to sound harsh, but I feel like it needs to be said.
There. All out there now. So let's start:
I just came from therapy. Exposure starts tomorrow. My right eye. I have to start by touching it tomorrow and then touching other things without cleaning them. I had a stye in my eye and well... that caused me to feel that it was full of bacteria or something. Not sure exactly... but it made me feel that I could no longer touch it. It's what I think will be the easiest place to start, so there we start.
I told her about the whole HPV thing. I felt really uncomfortable doing so. I felt a shift in her energy when I did. Oh bother... I didn't even TELL her... I wrote it to her because I felt so uncomfortable doing it. I explained the situation behind it. There was definitely a shift in her energy and I don't know exactly why... but it doesn't matter. I want to be able to do these things that everyone else does. I want to feel alright. So this is what we must do. We must force ourselves, or we'll never stretch our comfort zone. I can and will overcome these issues. Only I can do it.
So...
I'm ready. Tomorrow we start. I will journal daily, and I will start Exposure Therapy tomorrow. It will help me in so many ways, I just know it.
Since I'm going to be journaling more, I think I may have to try to find time to update journal and icons again. We'll see how things go. For now, I'm very busy in a new play and such what.
Now, it is time for bed because I am super sleepy.
Night ^_^.
Here we are again. I wonder if this is really the best idea.
Yes.
It is. Alright. It makes sense to me now, because in that fraction of a second I was able to gain an understanding and an answer without actually pondering for any great amount of time.
I'm actually rambling, even though it doesn't seem like it.
Let me start over ^_^*.
I just came from therapy. I'm seeing this new therapist who has experience dealing with OCD. This year, I will beat my OCD. It says so on my Dream Board.
Anyway... so this is my second time talking to her. I like her. Ridley. She thinks I should start writing again. Journaling. She wanted me to start tomorrow, but why wait? She suggested something more private, that isn't open for other people to read. But... this just seems and feels right to me. It's what this place was created for. Why shouldn't it be used as such?
The truth is, I let someone chase me away from here. And... that was damaging to me without me even fully realizing it. I let someone silence me and I became ashamed and afraid to speak my mind again, even in a place that I created with the intent of only speaking my true mind with no fear whatsoever. And there, as you see, is where the damaging part comes in. If I feel unable to speak my mind in a place I created with that intent, then... where will I EVER feel able to speak my mind again? So I feel that this is the place to do it.
Besides...
If he still reads this journal, then that's his issue and not mine.
DISCLAIMER: This journal, although an open forum, is not created for anyone but me. As a result, sometimes what I write here will be mopey, and sad... and sometimes it may even be very down on myself and full of misery and despair. It's my diary. If this bothers you, then stop reading it. I don't want that to sound harsh, but I feel like it needs to be said.
There. All out there now. So let's start:
I just came from therapy. Exposure starts tomorrow. My right eye. I have to start by touching it tomorrow and then touching other things without cleaning them. I had a stye in my eye and well... that caused me to feel that it was full of bacteria or something. Not sure exactly... but it made me feel that I could no longer touch it. It's what I think will be the easiest place to start, so there we start.
I told her about the whole HPV thing. I felt really uncomfortable doing so. I felt a shift in her energy when I did. Oh bother... I didn't even TELL her... I wrote it to her because I felt so uncomfortable doing it. I explained the situation behind it. There was definitely a shift in her energy and I don't know exactly why... but it doesn't matter. I want to be able to do these things that everyone else does. I want to feel alright. So this is what we must do. We must force ourselves, or we'll never stretch our comfort zone. I can and will overcome these issues. Only I can do it.
So...
I'm ready. Tomorrow we start. I will journal daily, and I will start Exposure Therapy tomorrow. It will help me in so many ways, I just know it.
Since I'm going to be journaling more, I think I may have to try to find time to update journal and icons again. We'll see how things go. For now, I'm very busy in a new play and such what.
Now, it is time for bed because I am super sleepy.
Night ^_^.