Change... sick puppies... and a rant.
It's groundhog day. Apparently it's going to be an early spring. I think I need that a lot. This song has definitely been speaking to me lately... can't seem to get it out of my head, no matter how hard I try.
It... just fits. With my life, with it all.
"Maybe I'm a Dreamer...
Maybe I'm misunderstood...
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should.
Maybe I'm crazy...
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one...
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch,
Maybe I've just had enough!
Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind...
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try.
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change...
Maybe it's hopeless.
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up.
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?
Maybe it's time to change!
And leave it all behind...
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try...
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change.
And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind.
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try...
And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind!
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try.
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life?
What am I waiting for?!
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change.
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change!"
I tried to go through and bold and italicize like I used to do with songs... to show the most important parts of the song... the ones that really apply to me strongly. But I couldn't with this one. The whole thing would be bolded and italicized. This is exactly how I feel all the time. I don't fit in anywhere. It's my strength, right? But sometimes... ok, so more than sometimes... it feels more like a curse. If I could just be stupid and blend in like everyone else, I'd finally feel like I belonged somewhere... but I don't. I can't just blend in... because everywhere I go I stick out like a sore thumb. I think I find something that I finally fit into, and I go and try to pursue it... and I see rather abruptly and sometimes harshly that I could never fit in there. I used to try to change myself to fit in better... and that never worked... I thought it did, but it didn't and it just fucked me up more and more each time I tried... and then I just decided I wouldn't try to fit in anywhere because it'd just be better... if I just didn't put myself into situations where I didn't fit in, then I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in... which basically resulted in me doing absolutely nothing because there's not a single place I can find where I fit... and now... I want to change it all. I want to change those things I don't fit into so that maybe I can... which... is impossible. I can't change the world... I'm just a little boy with big Dreams. I keep telling myself that other little boys with big Dreams managed somehow... but they had help from others like them. MLK, Women's lib... they all had help. They were surrounded by like minded people who wanted the same thing... all they had to do was get them to walk together so they weren't wandering aimlessly... but gay people don't play well with others. Most of us are alone by choice. Maybe it's just my area... I haven't really seen much else... but here, we fight each other more than society fights us. Alys said that gay people are a community of individuals. And it's the truth. We'll never get what we want, because we can't stand the thought of standing next to each other. I'm too smart. I think too much. I'm also too fat and too short... but mostly, I think too much and I'm too smart. These things all make me incredibly unpopular with the so-called "gay community" which, as I've said before, is more like a giant sex party. Everyone is sleeping with each other and going home alone. I try to get people to think like me... by sharing my thoughts... and the others 'like me' insult me, and call me an idiot. Tell me I'm too sensitive, or I'm just bitter because I've had a bad experience. Then they turn everyone they know against me... and I get a reputation as the bitter one... or the sensitive faggot. Yeah... it blows my mind that we call each other that as an insult... it's like, "Hello Pot, I'm Kettle." So I speak my mind and try to encourage change because it's impossible to force it... and no one wants it... no one wants to hear me, and everyone turns against me because... I think it's because they know it's true but it'd require them to go against their coping mechanism... so they fight... and gay men can be incredibly hurtful and cruel.
So... my thoughts are worth nothing, because 'my people' don't want to hear them... or they only want to hear them long enough to get my pants down around my ankles so they can move on to their next conquest. Maybe I am bitter... but it's the truth isn't it? Isn't it gay men? How many sexual partners have you had, exactly? I remember when I first came out... and went to the doctor and had to fill in how many different sexual partners I had that year... 10. I remember it was 10 and I was so embarrassed, so I texted my other gay friend in Chicago... and he said, "10? And you're embarrassed? To a gay man, you're still a virgin."
Anyway... so my thoughts mean nothing... so instead I think, "hell, maybe I can encourage change by example! I can start a community group, we can get together and talk about real issues and just... be a community group. Have social events... know that we're not alone in our own communities. So I texted the people I know here... there are all of 4 of us in our little town... *shrugs*. It's still four (myself included) and we can grow from there. One person thought it was a good idea. Others said flat out they wouldn't come to any meetings or be involved in any way because "gay men are annoying." So... that's out. I can't even get people to meet to talk and to feel like they aren't alone. That's too intimate for them... they'd rather be alone in their dark houses with nothing to do than spend time with others like themselves because they're "annoying."
The truth is...
We all hate ourselves. We want to be included and have equal rights... but deep down I think... we're still dealing with the pain we felt before we came out. We're still stuck believing that we're horrible and that we're wrong just for being. That we're unnatural. That there's something wrong with us... it's the only thing that makes sense... I've thought about it so much... we literally hate ourselves... Gay men are mean to each other... either they sleep with each other, or they hate each other. Or... they do both! They sleep with each other, THEN they hate each other. Some aren't like this, I know that. There are exceptions to everything... and like I said, maybe it's just this place. Maybe it's just here. ... but I don't think it is. We just had DADT repealed... think about it... why is that the first thing? Anybody? Could it be... that if you don't watch each others' backs in the army, then you're dead. You have no choice but to work together as a group or you die. The only place were there's been any real documented change... and what most of us think is a huge step for us (but it's only a step if the rest of us follow through, which... we won't...) was brought about by an actual COMMUNITY. That's right people. Wake up! If you don't fight alongside each other, you DIE ALONE.
It's our time to follow through now... show the world that we are united amongst ourselves... and that we are willing to fight alongside each other to get the rights we know we deserve... now is the time for us to be saying, "Hey! Why can we die for our country but not get married in it?" And we have to say it all at the same time... or that one voice is going to be drowned out... But I don't think we will. We're too busy fighting each other and calling each other "faggot" and turning each other against one another. And... when Obama is out of office (not stating any personal feelings for him or his administration), then the next president will reinstate DADT, and we'll have lost it all. And... we'll deal with more shame, more feelings of lack of belonging, because we'll have had something and then lost it. A community of victims... that's what we are... so when we lose it, we'll all go out and drink more, have sex more, do more drugs... all in an attempt to cover the fact that we're so unhappy... and then more of us will take our own lives when it gets to be too much. I don't see change coming... because none of us are willing to fight for it... and the ones who are, don't know how to get through to the ones who aren't.
Anyway... this was a long rant... about something completely different than I had intended...
All I really wanted to do was post those lyrics and say that... I was playing Final Fantasy 13, and there's this beautiful beach with palm trees and in the scene the sun was setting and it looked warm and happy... and... these was this beachside bar of some sort... and... I want that. I realized I wanted that. I realized I'd love to live on the beach and own a beachside juice bar... or cafe... or SOMETHING... and I think that'd be a great way to live. Just a small little operation with a very calm atmosphere about it... where people can get refreshments and just... sit. And stare at the beauty surrounding them... and just relax... in a safe, comfortable setting where there's always someone to offer a smile... I just think that would be swell.
And...
I was going to say...
"Maybe it's time to change..."
*literally wipes away a tear*
It... just fits. With my life, with it all.
"Maybe I'm a Dreamer...
Maybe I'm misunderstood...
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should.
Maybe I'm crazy...
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one...
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch,
Maybe I've just had enough!
Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind...
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try.
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change...
Maybe it's hopeless.
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up.
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?
Maybe it's time to change!
And leave it all behind...
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try...
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change.
And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind.
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try...
And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind!
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try.
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more?
To wanna live a better life?
What am I waiting for?!
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change.
'Cause nothing stays the same...
Maybe it's time to change!"
I tried to go through and bold and italicize like I used to do with songs... to show the most important parts of the song... the ones that really apply to me strongly. But I couldn't with this one. The whole thing would be bolded and italicized. This is exactly how I feel all the time. I don't fit in anywhere. It's my strength, right? But sometimes... ok, so more than sometimes... it feels more like a curse. If I could just be stupid and blend in like everyone else, I'd finally feel like I belonged somewhere... but I don't. I can't just blend in... because everywhere I go I stick out like a sore thumb. I think I find something that I finally fit into, and I go and try to pursue it... and I see rather abruptly and sometimes harshly that I could never fit in there. I used to try to change myself to fit in better... and that never worked... I thought it did, but it didn't and it just fucked me up more and more each time I tried... and then I just decided I wouldn't try to fit in anywhere because it'd just be better... if I just didn't put myself into situations where I didn't fit in, then I wouldn't have to worry about fitting in... which basically resulted in me doing absolutely nothing because there's not a single place I can find where I fit... and now... I want to change it all. I want to change those things I don't fit into so that maybe I can... which... is impossible. I can't change the world... I'm just a little boy with big Dreams. I keep telling myself that other little boys with big Dreams managed somehow... but they had help from others like them. MLK, Women's lib... they all had help. They were surrounded by like minded people who wanted the same thing... all they had to do was get them to walk together so they weren't wandering aimlessly... but gay people don't play well with others. Most of us are alone by choice. Maybe it's just my area... I haven't really seen much else... but here, we fight each other more than society fights us. Alys said that gay people are a community of individuals. And it's the truth. We'll never get what we want, because we can't stand the thought of standing next to each other. I'm too smart. I think too much. I'm also too fat and too short... but mostly, I think too much and I'm too smart. These things all make me incredibly unpopular with the so-called "gay community" which, as I've said before, is more like a giant sex party. Everyone is sleeping with each other and going home alone. I try to get people to think like me... by sharing my thoughts... and the others 'like me' insult me, and call me an idiot. Tell me I'm too sensitive, or I'm just bitter because I've had a bad experience. Then they turn everyone they know against me... and I get a reputation as the bitter one... or the sensitive faggot. Yeah... it blows my mind that we call each other that as an insult... it's like, "Hello Pot, I'm Kettle." So I speak my mind and try to encourage change because it's impossible to force it... and no one wants it... no one wants to hear me, and everyone turns against me because... I think it's because they know it's true but it'd require them to go against their coping mechanism... so they fight... and gay men can be incredibly hurtful and cruel.
So... my thoughts are worth nothing, because 'my people' don't want to hear them... or they only want to hear them long enough to get my pants down around my ankles so they can move on to their next conquest. Maybe I am bitter... but it's the truth isn't it? Isn't it gay men? How many sexual partners have you had, exactly? I remember when I first came out... and went to the doctor and had to fill in how many different sexual partners I had that year... 10. I remember it was 10 and I was so embarrassed, so I texted my other gay friend in Chicago... and he said, "10? And you're embarrassed? To a gay man, you're still a virgin."
Anyway... so my thoughts mean nothing... so instead I think, "hell, maybe I can encourage change by example! I can start a community group, we can get together and talk about real issues and just... be a community group. Have social events... know that we're not alone in our own communities. So I texted the people I know here... there are all of 4 of us in our little town... *shrugs*. It's still four (myself included) and we can grow from there. One person thought it was a good idea. Others said flat out they wouldn't come to any meetings or be involved in any way because "gay men are annoying." So... that's out. I can't even get people to meet to talk and to feel like they aren't alone. That's too intimate for them... they'd rather be alone in their dark houses with nothing to do than spend time with others like themselves because they're "annoying."
The truth is...
We all hate ourselves. We want to be included and have equal rights... but deep down I think... we're still dealing with the pain we felt before we came out. We're still stuck believing that we're horrible and that we're wrong just for being. That we're unnatural. That there's something wrong with us... it's the only thing that makes sense... I've thought about it so much... we literally hate ourselves... Gay men are mean to each other... either they sleep with each other, or they hate each other. Or... they do both! They sleep with each other, THEN they hate each other. Some aren't like this, I know that. There are exceptions to everything... and like I said, maybe it's just this place. Maybe it's just here. ... but I don't think it is. We just had DADT repealed... think about it... why is that the first thing? Anybody? Could it be... that if you don't watch each others' backs in the army, then you're dead. You have no choice but to work together as a group or you die. The only place were there's been any real documented change... and what most of us think is a huge step for us (but it's only a step if the rest of us follow through, which... we won't...) was brought about by an actual COMMUNITY. That's right people. Wake up! If you don't fight alongside each other, you DIE ALONE.
It's our time to follow through now... show the world that we are united amongst ourselves... and that we are willing to fight alongside each other to get the rights we know we deserve... now is the time for us to be saying, "Hey! Why can we die for our country but not get married in it?" And we have to say it all at the same time... or that one voice is going to be drowned out... But I don't think we will. We're too busy fighting each other and calling each other "faggot" and turning each other against one another. And... when Obama is out of office (not stating any personal feelings for him or his administration), then the next president will reinstate DADT, and we'll have lost it all. And... we'll deal with more shame, more feelings of lack of belonging, because we'll have had something and then lost it. A community of victims... that's what we are... so when we lose it, we'll all go out and drink more, have sex more, do more drugs... all in an attempt to cover the fact that we're so unhappy... and then more of us will take our own lives when it gets to be too much. I don't see change coming... because none of us are willing to fight for it... and the ones who are, don't know how to get through to the ones who aren't.
Anyway... this was a long rant... about something completely different than I had intended...
All I really wanted to do was post those lyrics and say that... I was playing Final Fantasy 13, and there's this beautiful beach with palm trees and in the scene the sun was setting and it looked warm and happy... and... these was this beachside bar of some sort... and... I want that. I realized I wanted that. I realized I'd love to live on the beach and own a beachside juice bar... or cafe... or SOMETHING... and I think that'd be a great way to live. Just a small little operation with a very calm atmosphere about it... where people can get refreshments and just... sit. And stare at the beauty surrounding them... and just relax... in a safe, comfortable setting where there's always someone to offer a smile... I just think that would be swell.
And...
I was going to say...
"Maybe it's time to change..."
*literally wipes away a tear*