Just an angsty stream of consciousness. You've been warned.
You know what?
I'm just so discouraged by so much.
I hate the course my life is taking, I hate so much of everything right now...
I just feel this sense of constant turmoil... is this really life? Is this what life is?
My mother referred to the human race as ants last night... we just go through and do all we can. We work so hard and we do all the things we need to do to survive... and then some kid comes up and stomps on us... or it rains and our tunnels and homes are flooded and destroyed and we have to do it all over again.
I feel so trapped. I feel trapped and alone.
I feel so lonely. But it's not loneliness, I don't think. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just see a relationship as the only thing that will bring some sort of change to my life. I guess it makes an odd sort of sense. I've changed jobs so many times, that it's actually starting to hurt my job prospects ("Why... do you change jobs so often? You're almost never at a job for more than a year..."). So I know changing my job will do little to change the course of my life... I could move (which I plan on doing as soon as I'm able) but I don't know where I'll go... and I can't picture it being any different there than it is here. It would literally be the same shit, just in a different area. So... the only thing that seems to make sense is bringing a new person into my life, but that doesn't even work. It doesn't work because I'm virtually asexual. I love sex, and would love to have more of it... but I'm just not attracted to... anyone. It is so rare for me to find another person attractive enough that I'd want to spend any real time getting to know them, and I can't justify having sex with them if I don't see it going somewhere.
I'm only attracted to people it would never work with, either because they're so far out of my league, they're straight, or they barely speak our language. I realize that it's not coincidence. It's me. It's probably some sort of a defense mechanism. I'm attracted to unattainable men. I don't want to be, but how the fuck can I change that? How do I change that part of me?
I feel so lost and so confused all the time now. My therapist is a joke... "Focus on your job" what job?! I work at a fucking hotel and it's an awful job. I don't know what I want to do. I like acting but I worry I'm just too practical to pursue it. I can't drain myself all the time. And no job is going to be ok with knowing that they're just not important enough to make a top priority.
Ugh! I'm so tired of fighting every single day! I'm only 28 and I'm just so bored with all of this! I'm tired of having to struggle for every single thing. Even when I fight and fight for something, it never turns out the way I want it to... and I just... ugh! I'm obviously too much of an idealist to live in this world. I don't like the things I see around me and I feel so strongly they NEED to be different... but nothing's ever going to change and all that happens is that the more I see and the more I realize it, the less I'm impassioned by this joke of a place.
I do nothing all day long. I'm trying to find things I enjoy... but it just... what do I enjoy? Everything I once enjoyed bore the hell out of me now because I've done it all before. Now it's all just coming around again.
I know I need a change... but the harder I search for change, the less I find... and then change finds me and it's horrible, awful change that just makes things so much worse.
Is that REALLY what life is? Is it really just pain, and hardship forever with no chance of things ever getting better? Is it really the mentality that, "No, this isn't what I want... but it could be SO much worse." I just don't understand.
There's so much that I just don't understand... ugh...
I have to get back to work.
I'm just so discouraged by so much.
I hate the course my life is taking, I hate so much of everything right now...
I just feel this sense of constant turmoil... is this really life? Is this what life is?
My mother referred to the human race as ants last night... we just go through and do all we can. We work so hard and we do all the things we need to do to survive... and then some kid comes up and stomps on us... or it rains and our tunnels and homes are flooded and destroyed and we have to do it all over again.
I feel so trapped. I feel trapped and alone.
I feel so lonely. But it's not loneliness, I don't think. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just see a relationship as the only thing that will bring some sort of change to my life. I guess it makes an odd sort of sense. I've changed jobs so many times, that it's actually starting to hurt my job prospects ("Why... do you change jobs so often? You're almost never at a job for more than a year..."). So I know changing my job will do little to change the course of my life... I could move (which I plan on doing as soon as I'm able) but I don't know where I'll go... and I can't picture it being any different there than it is here. It would literally be the same shit, just in a different area. So... the only thing that seems to make sense is bringing a new person into my life, but that doesn't even work. It doesn't work because I'm virtually asexual. I love sex, and would love to have more of it... but I'm just not attracted to... anyone. It is so rare for me to find another person attractive enough that I'd want to spend any real time getting to know them, and I can't justify having sex with them if I don't see it going somewhere.
I'm only attracted to people it would never work with, either because they're so far out of my league, they're straight, or they barely speak our language. I realize that it's not coincidence. It's me. It's probably some sort of a defense mechanism. I'm attracted to unattainable men. I don't want to be, but how the fuck can I change that? How do I change that part of me?
I feel so lost and so confused all the time now. My therapist is a joke... "Focus on your job" what job?! I work at a fucking hotel and it's an awful job. I don't know what I want to do. I like acting but I worry I'm just too practical to pursue it. I can't drain myself all the time. And no job is going to be ok with knowing that they're just not important enough to make a top priority.
Ugh! I'm so tired of fighting every single day! I'm only 28 and I'm just so bored with all of this! I'm tired of having to struggle for every single thing. Even when I fight and fight for something, it never turns out the way I want it to... and I just... ugh! I'm obviously too much of an idealist to live in this world. I don't like the things I see around me and I feel so strongly they NEED to be different... but nothing's ever going to change and all that happens is that the more I see and the more I realize it, the less I'm impassioned by this joke of a place.
I do nothing all day long. I'm trying to find things I enjoy... but it just... what do I enjoy? Everything I once enjoyed bore the hell out of me now because I've done it all before. Now it's all just coming around again.
I know I need a change... but the harder I search for change, the less I find... and then change finds me and it's horrible, awful change that just makes things so much worse.
Is that REALLY what life is? Is it really just pain, and hardship forever with no chance of things ever getting better? Is it really the mentality that, "No, this isn't what I want... but it could be SO much worse." I just don't understand.
There's so much that I just don't understand... ugh...
I have to get back to work.