I need a change.
Ya know what I want? To be happy. Like truly happy. I understood that I'd have to forgo some of that happiness I sought when I came on to the job. But I didn't know how much that some would turn out to be.
Here's my life.
At night, I go to work.
During the day, when I get off, I attempt to sleep. If I fail, I either keep trying, or I run errands. Regardless, inevitably, I fail, and am lucky to eke out six hours.
If I don't have kung fu, I go back to work that night.
If I do have kung fu, which during the work week falls on Monday evenings at 6:15 PM, and Saturday mornings at 10:15 AM, I either wake up earlier (Mondays) or get an hour of sleep beforehand (Saturdays) in order to be there.
My off nights are on Tuesday nights and Wednesday nights.
I have kung fu also on Wednesday nights.
In other words, my social life is typically set for Tuesday nights, with one of my best buddies Charlie, for typically dinner at Hankook Taqueria and possibly (if not typically) some beer. Otherwise I am relegated to my computer and/or television for company.
I'm single, and with no answers presented, and one of my biggest obstacles is how my life is set up. I don't socialize, because I don't want to be drained for work. Screw that-- I don't socialize because I don't want to be rushed because of work. Not to add to the fact that inside the perimeter, my most trusted friend is probably the only one I have away from work.
I struggle with loneliness deep down inside, and it's a problem only a few people get to hear. Why? Because most people don't know how to talk about it, or in my case, listen about it. I want to get out, I want to have a life again. I don't do squat. I don't have time for friends, and the time I have is so scarce. It makes it hard to be so much as okay inside. And it makes it worse on attempts to get into a relationship.
Speaking of which, last week I reminisced about how before I got into relationships, I was a very naive person. There was Jessica Zimerle, a couple years older than myself, and very different -- pretty liberal, atheist, vegetarian. But I fell for her, and was as loyal as they come. We never dated, of course, but I think that the fact that I was naive and not willing to push myself past certain boundaries prevented that. But it was the way that I treated her that made me think. I was willing to overlook differences, and very gladly. I was willing to be her gentleman, and without reservation. I was a shmuck, but I was a kinder person. I was also genuine. Not that I'm not genuine now, but back then my heart seemed a little more open.
Then after Jessica, I truly entered a relationship for the first time, with Stephanie. And the lines I wasn't willing to push myself past with Jessica, I pushed past. By the time we broke up, it was a small time coming, and because of the reasons, I don't fault Steph for breaking up with me. But at the same time, I came out of it stronger. Tougher. The guard went up for the first time, and not in an "I'm shy and a little insecure" way (which, in my opinion, isn't a real guard).
Then I dated Laura. I really don't think Laura warrants mention in this post because we dated for only a couple of months, and I wasn't any worse for the wear after.
After Laura came Kristen. Who I liked, and pretty much only for physical reasons. I figured my expectations of women were set too high, in the intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and pretty much any other sides that weren't physical. I said, screw it, I'm gonna see what happens.
Oh, it was fun. Physically. And that's about it. And the guard went up even higher.
After Kristen, I found myself working as an extra. Boy was that fun. Got to meet girls and flirt a LOT, which means I tapped into a side of me that I didn't know existed. I think it came about from being guarded so much. I had a fun time, and picked up phone numbers like it was cool. Got a few dates out of it, too.
This was after I met Ashley, but before we started dating. I met Ashley at a mutual friend's wedding. And within a few months, I fell in love, and thought I was going to marry her. She was sweet, kind, optimistic, Godly, and we shared a lot of interests. I thought I wanted to be with her the rest of my life.
I got to know her family. She was a preacher's daughter. Two older sisters, one younger brother.
They didn't like me. I know I'm not the most likeable guy, but they didn't like me. I had to be me, but on a short leash around her family. Our personalities clashed, and her family was important to her. And nearly a year ago, I let her go, which was the single hardest decision I had to make in my life at that point. They were very anti-alcohol. I liked the taste of a good beer, and did not drink while I was with Ashley. To them, Catholics were wrong. Part of me will always remain Catholic, but I don't necessarily need to be with a girl who is. I wanted to raise a family on my own terms. Ashley's father and mother had a tendency to bring their opinions to her like it was law. That part I definitely didn't like dealing with. If Ashley and I had married each other, I would have been marrying her family, which would not have been good for either of us. Ashley deserved somebody who treated her better, and who her family approved of 100%, and I was not that guy, so I left her.
And the guard was fully up.
Every relationship I've been in has replaced the naivete with experience. I'm not the shmuck I was. Instead, I'm cynical and brooding. Relationships come hard now, and with every female encounter, they become harder. The worst part is, I don't even know what I truly want, so how will I know it when I see it?
Lastly I've dealt with somebody who I've had feelings for for a long time, and didn't do anything about because of this thing called life. But now life is set up in a way that we can deal with each other better. When we're sober, we're good friends. I found out the hard way that when she's drunk, almost anything goes. And when I found out, my heart was crushed. So now I don't know how to break out of the funk. I'm in a position where I want to do nothing but forget her. I would give anything to stop having these feelings. I told one of my best friends, Bonnie, that I should just go out and pick up hot bimbos and screw around, maybe it'll take my mind off of things and make me put her behind. Bonnie thought it was a good idea, but only because she doesn't want to see me so down. I like to think that I could very well do it, except, ya know, I'm me. And deep down inside I don't like the idea of putting my wanker in any hot thing that moves.
In other news, I've gotten addicted to "How I Met Your Mother."
Here's my life.
At night, I go to work.
During the day, when I get off, I attempt to sleep. If I fail, I either keep trying, or I run errands. Regardless, inevitably, I fail, and am lucky to eke out six hours.
If I don't have kung fu, I go back to work that night.
If I do have kung fu, which during the work week falls on Monday evenings at 6:15 PM, and Saturday mornings at 10:15 AM, I either wake up earlier (Mondays) or get an hour of sleep beforehand (Saturdays) in order to be there.
My off nights are on Tuesday nights and Wednesday nights.
I have kung fu also on Wednesday nights.
In other words, my social life is typically set for Tuesday nights, with one of my best buddies Charlie, for typically dinner at Hankook Taqueria and possibly (if not typically) some beer. Otherwise I am relegated to my computer and/or television for company.
I'm single, and with no answers presented, and one of my biggest obstacles is how my life is set up. I don't socialize, because I don't want to be drained for work. Screw that-- I don't socialize because I don't want to be rushed because of work. Not to add to the fact that inside the perimeter, my most trusted friend is probably the only one I have away from work.
I struggle with loneliness deep down inside, and it's a problem only a few people get to hear. Why? Because most people don't know how to talk about it, or in my case, listen about it. I want to get out, I want to have a life again. I don't do squat. I don't have time for friends, and the time I have is so scarce. It makes it hard to be so much as okay inside. And it makes it worse on attempts to get into a relationship.
Speaking of which, last week I reminisced about how before I got into relationships, I was a very naive person. There was Jessica Zimerle, a couple years older than myself, and very different -- pretty liberal, atheist, vegetarian. But I fell for her, and was as loyal as they come. We never dated, of course, but I think that the fact that I was naive and not willing to push myself past certain boundaries prevented that. But it was the way that I treated her that made me think. I was willing to overlook differences, and very gladly. I was willing to be her gentleman, and without reservation. I was a shmuck, but I was a kinder person. I was also genuine. Not that I'm not genuine now, but back then my heart seemed a little more open.
Then after Jessica, I truly entered a relationship for the first time, with Stephanie. And the lines I wasn't willing to push myself past with Jessica, I pushed past. By the time we broke up, it was a small time coming, and because of the reasons, I don't fault Steph for breaking up with me. But at the same time, I came out of it stronger. Tougher. The guard went up for the first time, and not in an "I'm shy and a little insecure" way (which, in my opinion, isn't a real guard).
Then I dated Laura. I really don't think Laura warrants mention in this post because we dated for only a couple of months, and I wasn't any worse for the wear after.
After Laura came Kristen. Who I liked, and pretty much only for physical reasons. I figured my expectations of women were set too high, in the intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and pretty much any other sides that weren't physical. I said, screw it, I'm gonna see what happens.
Oh, it was fun. Physically. And that's about it. And the guard went up even higher.
After Kristen, I found myself working as an extra. Boy was that fun. Got to meet girls and flirt a LOT, which means I tapped into a side of me that I didn't know existed. I think it came about from being guarded so much. I had a fun time, and picked up phone numbers like it was cool. Got a few dates out of it, too.
This was after I met Ashley, but before we started dating. I met Ashley at a mutual friend's wedding. And within a few months, I fell in love, and thought I was going to marry her. She was sweet, kind, optimistic, Godly, and we shared a lot of interests. I thought I wanted to be with her the rest of my life.
I got to know her family. She was a preacher's daughter. Two older sisters, one younger brother.
They didn't like me. I know I'm not the most likeable guy, but they didn't like me. I had to be me, but on a short leash around her family. Our personalities clashed, and her family was important to her. And nearly a year ago, I let her go, which was the single hardest decision I had to make in my life at that point. They were very anti-alcohol. I liked the taste of a good beer, and did not drink while I was with Ashley. To them, Catholics were wrong. Part of me will always remain Catholic, but I don't necessarily need to be with a girl who is. I wanted to raise a family on my own terms. Ashley's father and mother had a tendency to bring their opinions to her like it was law. That part I definitely didn't like dealing with. If Ashley and I had married each other, I would have been marrying her family, which would not have been good for either of us. Ashley deserved somebody who treated her better, and who her family approved of 100%, and I was not that guy, so I left her.
And the guard was fully up.
Every relationship I've been in has replaced the naivete with experience. I'm not the shmuck I was. Instead, I'm cynical and brooding. Relationships come hard now, and with every female encounter, they become harder. The worst part is, I don't even know what I truly want, so how will I know it when I see it?
Lastly I've dealt with somebody who I've had feelings for for a long time, and didn't do anything about because of this thing called life. But now life is set up in a way that we can deal with each other better. When we're sober, we're good friends. I found out the hard way that when she's drunk, almost anything goes. And when I found out, my heart was crushed. So now I don't know how to break out of the funk. I'm in a position where I want to do nothing but forget her. I would give anything to stop having these feelings. I told one of my best friends, Bonnie, that I should just go out and pick up hot bimbos and screw around, maybe it'll take my mind off of things and make me put her behind. Bonnie thought it was a good idea, but only because she doesn't want to see me so down. I like to think that I could very well do it, except, ya know, I'm me. And deep down inside I don't like the idea of putting my wanker in any hot thing that moves.
In other news, I've gotten addicted to "How I Met Your Mother."