(no subject)
I also looked back to November 3rd of last year... I still have a job, and five years ago, no, a year and a half ago, I had no clue that my life would be as great as it is, and not just in terms of work. I had to wake up and decide that unhappiness isn't where I wanted to be. Of course, I had caught myself up in unhappiness for a long time, but it's not like that's where I wanted to be. But the more one gets caught up in it, the more they feel like the unhappiness is what makes them important. The problem with unhappiness is that it breeds more unhappiness. When we're not happy, we're not respecting ourselves. When others find reasons to be happy with us, we don't respect it; instead, we throw it to the side, asking for more with a desire to believe, but with no true intent to believe. We like the fact that people pay us attention, even if it's pity, so we keep on with unhappiness, feeling the attention will keep coming.
I couldn't live this way. I had to come to terms with that first. I had to acknowledge, deep down inside, just how much pain I was putting myself through. I had to realize just how awful it must have been to put up with me, but I'm so thankful for those who did put up with me, and offered me advice and guidance. I didn't have much to look at for myself-- I worked out now and then, to differing results, and until a year and a half ago, I wasn't doing very well in the women department. I was living at home (wait, I'm BACK at home!), sitting on my butt, wondering what I was gonna do with my day, or night, or weekend. I was spending money I barely had. And it was NOT fun. So I decided one day to stop thinking so negatively. And God, it was HARD. By hard, I mean, I had to undo a way of thought that settled into my heart so well for nearly 24 years. 24. That's nearly a quarter of a century. I had to stop listening to negativity. First, negativity from the outside. The people I'm closest to are NOT negative, at least, in the aspects that are most important to me. I just needed to be like them. I didn't necessarily need to be positive, but I sure didn't need to be negative.
So here I am, back in the gym after two months plus off, running for 8 minutes before my workout and at least a mile after I workout (stupid Colby read somewhere that it would burn more calories). I realized that it's not necessarily that I LOVE being in shape. It's that I HATE being out of shape. That, and I love to do things that require a certain level of fitness. In the spring, while I was in the police academy, I went and ran the Warrior Dash with Charlie. And it was fun. Not just fun-- one of the best things I've ever done. So next spring I'll be back, running all 3 miles of the Warrior Dash... along with the 7 miles of the Tough Mudder.
I'm also with a girl who treats me well and loves me regardless of my errors and faults. Who is faithful, kind, and caring. And loves guns! Ashley has been such a blessing in my life over the past year. And I FINALLY understood how to talk to women only less than a year before I met her. It's odd that in that time phone numbers and first dates came easy. Of course, I've always been looking for a good, loving relationship, so second dates were rare, especially since most first dates weren't the most exciting thing in the world to me, and if they were (in very FEW cases), weren't going to go any further than a fun night or few. Then I met one where I wanted the second date. :D
And of course, there's work. Can't fully discuss it on here, lest one of the IT guys decides to snoop around the net and find my livejournal. Not that it matters, I don't really brag about being an officer, but I'd also be lying if I said I didn't love this job. It's rewarding to contribute to society in some way, shape, or form, and I learn skills that come in handy in daily life. Even moreso, I get a paycheck, that's landed me a Playstation 3 and a Plasma TV, two things I didn't think I'd see in my lifetime. And believe me, when you've waited so long to achieve things you wanted but didn't think you see... there is NO such thing as buyer's remorse. I take that back. I nearly regretted forking out an extra $50 for the 250gb PS3, as opposed to the 120. But I probably shouldn't get any greedier.
It's been a long road, and it only continues from here, and that's why I posted that last entry. I believe that a hard work ethic and inner motivation boosted now and then by outer inspiration can lead to some seriously amazing things. And I believed once with my heart, and now I believe with every fiber of my being, because I've been there, and I'm going to keep on.
I couldn't live this way. I had to come to terms with that first. I had to acknowledge, deep down inside, just how much pain I was putting myself through. I had to realize just how awful it must have been to put up with me, but I'm so thankful for those who did put up with me, and offered me advice and guidance. I didn't have much to look at for myself-- I worked out now and then, to differing results, and until a year and a half ago, I wasn't doing very well in the women department. I was living at home (wait, I'm BACK at home!), sitting on my butt, wondering what I was gonna do with my day, or night, or weekend. I was spending money I barely had. And it was NOT fun. So I decided one day to stop thinking so negatively. And God, it was HARD. By hard, I mean, I had to undo a way of thought that settled into my heart so well for nearly 24 years. 24. That's nearly a quarter of a century. I had to stop listening to negativity. First, negativity from the outside. The people I'm closest to are NOT negative, at least, in the aspects that are most important to me. I just needed to be like them. I didn't necessarily need to be positive, but I sure didn't need to be negative.
So here I am, back in the gym after two months plus off, running for 8 minutes before my workout and at least a mile after I workout (stupid Colby read somewhere that it would burn more calories). I realized that it's not necessarily that I LOVE being in shape. It's that I HATE being out of shape. That, and I love to do things that require a certain level of fitness. In the spring, while I was in the police academy, I went and ran the Warrior Dash with Charlie. And it was fun. Not just fun-- one of the best things I've ever done. So next spring I'll be back, running all 3 miles of the Warrior Dash... along with the 7 miles of the Tough Mudder.
I'm also with a girl who treats me well and loves me regardless of my errors and faults. Who is faithful, kind, and caring. And loves guns! Ashley has been such a blessing in my life over the past year. And I FINALLY understood how to talk to women only less than a year before I met her. It's odd that in that time phone numbers and first dates came easy. Of course, I've always been looking for a good, loving relationship, so second dates were rare, especially since most first dates weren't the most exciting thing in the world to me, and if they were (in very FEW cases), weren't going to go any further than a fun night or few. Then I met one where I wanted the second date. :D
And of course, there's work. Can't fully discuss it on here, lest one of the IT guys decides to snoop around the net and find my livejournal. Not that it matters, I don't really brag about being an officer, but I'd also be lying if I said I didn't love this job. It's rewarding to contribute to society in some way, shape, or form, and I learn skills that come in handy in daily life. Even moreso, I get a paycheck, that's landed me a Playstation 3 and a Plasma TV, two things I didn't think I'd see in my lifetime. And believe me, when you've waited so long to achieve things you wanted but didn't think you see... there is NO such thing as buyer's remorse. I take that back. I nearly regretted forking out an extra $50 for the 250gb PS3, as opposed to the 120. But I probably shouldn't get any greedier.
It's been a long road, and it only continues from here, and that's why I posted that last entry. I believe that a hard work ethic and inner motivation boosted now and then by outer inspiration can lead to some seriously amazing things. And I believed once with my heart, and now I believe with every fiber of my being, because I've been there, and I'm going to keep on.