What to Do?
What do you do.. When other people get into your business and try to tell you how to live your life?
This isn't a big issue, and yet it is.
Let's just say that I am fine where things are in my life, concerning certain issues.
I am the kind of person who, if I am unsure of a situation, i try to avoid things going awfully wrong. Rejection is a huge fear of mine, so much so, that at times it holds me back from making moves and decisions that I later end up regretting. However, I would rather live with the "not knowing" how things would really be, than knowing that I would end up hurt or feeling worthless.
I guess a lot of this is my own fault as well. I don't mean to, but I know that I let people into my life kinda fast. Not everyone, and I am not completely open with everyone either.. But certain people, and when those people get into my life, they have this magically ability to slice through all of my barriers like they were made of butter... I know that this leaves me open for major rejection, or even worse, being used.. And it has happened on countless occasions in my past. I have been good for almost two years now.. Almost, not letting anyone in close enough to hurt me.
I was on my way back to myself.. Depending on myself, learning that I am beautiful, that I mean so many things to so many people, and that I have a purpose in this life.. And even growing spiritually. All of this has taken me some time to work on, time that I needed without the interference of other people tearing me down for their own benefits..
So, here I am working on myself.. Finishing up the last touches of myself so that I am completely satisfied in my mind with myself, my life, and the direction that I am headed.. When *WHAM* I am smacked in the face, before I even saw it coming, with a person walking into my life.. A person that I knew was in my life, but I honestly never planned on letting him in close.. Perhaps it was because I honestly didn't expect him to even care, or even try to become such a large part of my life, that he did.
For the longest time I tried to tell myself, "Don't let him in too close.." "Keep it cool Krys, make sure that no matter what happens you wont be hurt when he is no longer a part of your life.." "Don't set yourself up girl!" And I had deceived myself into thinking that I really was playing along with my own rules.. But I wasn't..
Because now.. Now, I know that if he were to suddenly walk out of my life, my world would be completely turned upside down.. And I would feel as though he ripped out a piece of my heart and soul in his wake..
Do you know how frightening that realization was for me? Because I honestly never saw it coming, until it was here.. And I then denied seeing the danger until now I am feeling as though I am naked of comfort and completely vulnerable to him. And the scariest part.. He probably doesn't even know this.
The problem from before? Oh yeah.. So, I realize this.. Only as other people are prodding and poking into my life.. Telling me, "Does he know how you feel? Does he know how much you care? You guys should really be honest with eachother! You guys need to consider all of the variables in making your decisions." I don't know if he even cares to know how I really feel about him. And I am afraid that if I am honest with him.. It will only scare him away from me.. And with him gone, back to the whole upside down world thing... Which is the last thing that I want to happen to me.
He is like my best friend now.. In many ways. In such a short time, he has gotten out of me so much. And I am so comfortable with him, that I can tell him anything.. I know this, and it sets me into that trap. He is an amazing listener.. He does not judge me, or hold against me the differences that we have. And he has a pure and kind heart.. Which too many people in this world lack. His path is set on God, which helps me more than he knows, to put myself in that same perspective and on that same track. He wont lead me astray, and right now I know that I need that in my life. He is always there, and has never been a flat out jerk to me for anything. Not once has he done a bull-headed "guy moment", and he gives of himself and his time. I see so many of these amazing qualities in him, that how could I not have seen myself falling for him sooner than now?
On the same note.. Yes, I do like all of these qualities in him, and I do care for him deeply, but that does not mean that I *need* to be with him in a relationship. I know that I could be completely satisfied with a strong friendship with him, just as long as I knew that I wouldn't be hurting in the end. Even if he would never even consider returning those feelings to me, I would be fine as long as I wasn't led on.
But right now, I have no clue how he feels or what he thinks. I don't know how to even approach him on this, because I am so afraid of that conversation when it happens... And how it will turn out. It's not so much that I am afraid of him not returning those feelings.. But more that I am afraid that what will happen is.. IF he doesn't feel the same about me, he might get freaked out about how I feel, and as a result he might start to back away and leave me completely out of a fear of my feelings for him. Then things would change, and he would leave, and my world would be upside down and inside out.
I know people are constantly asking me what is going on between me and him, and people are always telling me what to do and how to do it. I don't want to listen to them, because this is not thier friendship, or their relationship. It is mine and his, and I think it shouldn't matter what we say or do to anyone else as long as we are truthful to eachother when and if something is said, or something moves further, or something falls apart. I am happy where things are now, and why would I want to risk that?
A relationship with him has crossed my mind, many times.. But I don't want to completely jump into anything, because that scares me. I mean, it has scared me that he has somehow magically gotten this far into my life without me realizing it, and it does scare me to let him in even further. Especially since my last relationship went so awfully wrong, and because I don't want to lose a best friend out of this. Yet, I am reaching the point within myself where I feel that I could handle a relationship, and that if I could have one.. I would want it to be with someone that has those same qualities that he has.
You know, this journal is supposed to help me sort my thoughts.. But it doesn't in this case.. It's like, the more I think about it, the more lost I begin to feel. Perhaps this is why I try not to think about it, and why I try not to rationalize my feelings, or the possibilities..
I know God has brought him into my life for a reason. I can see that and feel it every day. But just what that reason is, I do not know. Maybe God realized that I needed a strong Christian to walk next to me on my road. Someone to help keep me in line and rooted in this world... Or maybe God has brought him into my life for a greater purpose. Either way, it is impossible for me to know God's plan. So, I have decided that I am not going to take this into my hands, but rather I am going to give it to God. Something that is so difficult for me to do.. But I can do it, because I trust in God. God wont let me get hurt, and God will be able to best work out his plan without my interference. I think then, that what is meant to happen will, and both parties involved will be comfortable with the verdict.
This isn't a big issue, and yet it is.
Let's just say that I am fine where things are in my life, concerning certain issues.
I am the kind of person who, if I am unsure of a situation, i try to avoid things going awfully wrong. Rejection is a huge fear of mine, so much so, that at times it holds me back from making moves and decisions that I later end up regretting. However, I would rather live with the "not knowing" how things would really be, than knowing that I would end up hurt or feeling worthless.
I guess a lot of this is my own fault as well. I don't mean to, but I know that I let people into my life kinda fast. Not everyone, and I am not completely open with everyone either.. But certain people, and when those people get into my life, they have this magically ability to slice through all of my barriers like they were made of butter... I know that this leaves me open for major rejection, or even worse, being used.. And it has happened on countless occasions in my past. I have been good for almost two years now.. Almost, not letting anyone in close enough to hurt me.
I was on my way back to myself.. Depending on myself, learning that I am beautiful, that I mean so many things to so many people, and that I have a purpose in this life.. And even growing spiritually. All of this has taken me some time to work on, time that I needed without the interference of other people tearing me down for their own benefits..
So, here I am working on myself.. Finishing up the last touches of myself so that I am completely satisfied in my mind with myself, my life, and the direction that I am headed.. When *WHAM* I am smacked in the face, before I even saw it coming, with a person walking into my life.. A person that I knew was in my life, but I honestly never planned on letting him in close.. Perhaps it was because I honestly didn't expect him to even care, or even try to become such a large part of my life, that he did.
For the longest time I tried to tell myself, "Don't let him in too close.." "Keep it cool Krys, make sure that no matter what happens you wont be hurt when he is no longer a part of your life.." "Don't set yourself up girl!" And I had deceived myself into thinking that I really was playing along with my own rules.. But I wasn't..
Because now.. Now, I know that if he were to suddenly walk out of my life, my world would be completely turned upside down.. And I would feel as though he ripped out a piece of my heart and soul in his wake..
Do you know how frightening that realization was for me? Because I honestly never saw it coming, until it was here.. And I then denied seeing the danger until now I am feeling as though I am naked of comfort and completely vulnerable to him. And the scariest part.. He probably doesn't even know this.
The problem from before? Oh yeah.. So, I realize this.. Only as other people are prodding and poking into my life.. Telling me, "Does he know how you feel? Does he know how much you care? You guys should really be honest with eachother! You guys need to consider all of the variables in making your decisions." I don't know if he even cares to know how I really feel about him. And I am afraid that if I am honest with him.. It will only scare him away from me.. And with him gone, back to the whole upside down world thing... Which is the last thing that I want to happen to me.
He is like my best friend now.. In many ways. In such a short time, he has gotten out of me so much. And I am so comfortable with him, that I can tell him anything.. I know this, and it sets me into that trap. He is an amazing listener.. He does not judge me, or hold against me the differences that we have. And he has a pure and kind heart.. Which too many people in this world lack. His path is set on God, which helps me more than he knows, to put myself in that same perspective and on that same track. He wont lead me astray, and right now I know that I need that in my life. He is always there, and has never been a flat out jerk to me for anything. Not once has he done a bull-headed "guy moment", and he gives of himself and his time. I see so many of these amazing qualities in him, that how could I not have seen myself falling for him sooner than now?
On the same note.. Yes, I do like all of these qualities in him, and I do care for him deeply, but that does not mean that I *need* to be with him in a relationship. I know that I could be completely satisfied with a strong friendship with him, just as long as I knew that I wouldn't be hurting in the end. Even if he would never even consider returning those feelings to me, I would be fine as long as I wasn't led on.
But right now, I have no clue how he feels or what he thinks. I don't know how to even approach him on this, because I am so afraid of that conversation when it happens... And how it will turn out. It's not so much that I am afraid of him not returning those feelings.. But more that I am afraid that what will happen is.. IF he doesn't feel the same about me, he might get freaked out about how I feel, and as a result he might start to back away and leave me completely out of a fear of my feelings for him. Then things would change, and he would leave, and my world would be upside down and inside out.
I know people are constantly asking me what is going on between me and him, and people are always telling me what to do and how to do it. I don't want to listen to them, because this is not thier friendship, or their relationship. It is mine and his, and I think it shouldn't matter what we say or do to anyone else as long as we are truthful to eachother when and if something is said, or something moves further, or something falls apart. I am happy where things are now, and why would I want to risk that?
A relationship with him has crossed my mind, many times.. But I don't want to completely jump into anything, because that scares me. I mean, it has scared me that he has somehow magically gotten this far into my life without me realizing it, and it does scare me to let him in even further. Especially since my last relationship went so awfully wrong, and because I don't want to lose a best friend out of this. Yet, I am reaching the point within myself where I feel that I could handle a relationship, and that if I could have one.. I would want it to be with someone that has those same qualities that he has.
You know, this journal is supposed to help me sort my thoughts.. But it doesn't in this case.. It's like, the more I think about it, the more lost I begin to feel. Perhaps this is why I try not to think about it, and why I try not to rationalize my feelings, or the possibilities..
I know God has brought him into my life for a reason. I can see that and feel it every day. But just what that reason is, I do not know. Maybe God realized that I needed a strong Christian to walk next to me on my road. Someone to help keep me in line and rooted in this world... Or maybe God has brought him into my life for a greater purpose. Either way, it is impossible for me to know God's plan. So, I have decided that I am not going to take this into my hands, but rather I am going to give it to God. Something that is so difficult for me to do.. But I can do it, because I trust in God. God wont let me get hurt, and God will be able to best work out his plan without my interference. I think then, that what is meant to happen will, and both parties involved will be comfortable with the verdict.