Jul 23, 2008 05:33
I, for whatever reason, was feeling very nostalgic tonight. I decided I needed to appreciate the things I have more than being pissy about what I dont. So i got on my Livejournal (yes I still use it) and I looked up entries from several years ago when I was going through a VERY VERY hard time. I also turned on music that I was very into at the time (all very emo mind you.) I think there is alot to be said for the way songs can take you back. I am a firm believer in the fact that songs can take you to places like smells can.
Say for example. I was sitting in my old car, and a certain song came on, any song I was into at the time. I am telling you that I would have to change the station or pull over due to the mere fact that my mind would not be in that car. I would be thinking about things that were going on at some point when that song was playing. For example: I cannot hear (and this will make you laugh) any song from one of the Ludacris CD's because my mind automatically goes back to Jr year with April. We would drive around in my car listening to that crap all the time. It was hilarious and I become almost home sick for more memories like those.
I know I am making new memories now a days, but I feel like Im not as emotional as I used to be. I pretty much have one emotion anymore.... that would be the feeling of "Blah". I never get unbelieveably happy. I rarely RARELY laugh until my sides hurt like I used to. But I also never get really depressed. I know it sounds weird that Im upset I never get that depressed but hear me out. You need to get really sad sometimes because it means you still feel. Kinda like you need those really exciting days because it means you feel. I feel like Im an empty, lifeless lump anymore. I keep to myself typically. I have my tiny circle of friends I call daily and the calls are dwindleing anymore. I just want to be quiet and not do anything. Matt and I go to the bar alone most days and just sit and chat. Now those of you who knew me in highschool... does that sound like me?
I kida miss the way I used to be. I miss being insane and loud and obnoxious. It may not have gotten me friends, but I had a good time. And the friends I made, liked me for me. I feel like the only friends I have besides Chrissy and Aundrea like me for who I have become... and If I dont feel like myself, then its like they like someone else. If that makes any sense.
Its like people I know anymore only like me because they know me through Matt. All my friends know me though Matt and they are all actually his friends. Ive made friends through jobs in the past year, but its like they didnt actually meet me, they met my zombie self. Im just numb to life anymore and I feel like its the city. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but thats just my mind set.
One thing that kinda irritates me: I had an administrator in highschool, that would actually thank my ex for "calming me down." I dont know that those are the correct words. He didnt calm me down, he took away what made me, me. I was so afraid of everything. So afraid to say the wrong thing, to wear the wrong thing, to do anything wrong... I just stopped doing everything. And for some odd reason, I have never been able to get the old person back. I became at 17, what most people dont become until they are 40.
Alot of my friends have kids, and I know they did the same thing at roughly the same age. They became adults way to fast. They had reason to though. I mean once you have a kid, you are no longer a kid. Me on the other hand? I became an adult for selfish kid reasons. I wanted a boyfriend and I got one and I had to do everything in my power to keep him around.
The sad thing is, if I hadnt met Matt and gotten my head together... I would be divorced with a kid right now. I almost guarantee it. And thats the scary part. I would have sucked it up and just delt with my misery for as long as I could. It became sort of a "I made my bed now Im going to have to lie in it thing." I think thats what bothers me most.
I just want to be something. I want to be sad, I want to be happy, I want to be anything besides Blah.
I am ridiculous amounts of glad I met Matt (which, yanno, I should be, Im friggin marrying him!) But Matt, besides treating me like gold, helped me find out certain things about myself. I am not positive what those things are, but I do know that I am more confident since we got together. Im not going to say I have all the confidence in the world, but I have more than I did before. I <3 him.