The great snow of 2014
St. Louis got over 8" of snow in 12 hours, and of course it was my weekend to work. And the CSN Gina called in. So I was CSN Saturday and Sunday. Saturday night we had a sleepover at my house with Cindy, Heather T, Molly, and Tony! We went out for mexican before the snow began and Sean came too. He was really great, not pouty and mean like Daryl would have been if I'd been talking to my friends slightly more than him. And molly stayed here last night too. The roads are terrible! And the high was 1 degree today, for the most part it was -8. We were short house-wide, so I only had 4 nurses on Sunday and 2 techs with a full floor. And over half the floor was on droplet precautions due to influenza A. Staff are coming down with it despite the mandatory flu shots....Arnela, Cindy, Windy....and Heather O is in distress from her divorce. She started having chest pains and hypertension yesterday, so I took over her team of 6 and was CSN simultaneously. Then as we were finally clocking out at 8pm, they mandated all staff to stay. Thankfully a few minutes later 5 Northers were excused because they know we show up and do our jobs for the most part. The joys of being a floor nurse! I still love it, exhaustion and all. But man I am exhausted!
On another subject, I am really struggling right now. The lawyer called and said Daryl is requesting ALL our text messages from the last 3 years. She suspects he's going to say I'm abusive because I've told him giving up his rights is an option a few times. I'm really worried about how far he's going to try dragging me through the mud. When we first separated I can't recall specifics but I know I texted him some very mean stuff. I hadnt known Christ yet, and I was pregnant working nights and single parenting. It was the most stress I can recall, ever. Then I had Mabel and suffered from some very rough post-partum depression and anxiety. I was sleeping with Greg and miserable. I'm trying to give it all to God, but I'm also terrified. Afraid that all this struggle and lawyer bills will be completely in vain, or even worse that I will come out of it with less than I went in. Daryl's new lawyer is very good at what he does. And lately Kelly sounds disconnected and apathetic....sometimes I swear she sounds like she can't stand me and thinks our case has no merit. She also announced she was pregnant at the last court date, so there's pregnancy brain and exhaustion to figure into this as well. I'm hoping mom and I made the right choice a few months ago when we made the choice to keep her instead of looking into that christian lawyer Maggie recommended. I'm also worried about the financial strain all of this is putting on Grandma Bea. She sounded grumpy last time I asked for lawyer bill money. I also feel guilty because not this time but last I ended up spending some of the lawyer bill money on bills and Christmas. I didn't ask for 1 dollar more this time, even though I was tempted because I have this car sales tax payment and titling due at the end of the month for 1700 dollars I have no clue how I'll pay. That's another part of this giant fiery ball of stress in my stomach...what if I've gotten in over my head with the new car? I was so grateful to have it with the snow, I dont think my van would have made it! Heat is an absolute necessity in negative degree weather. And with the traction control on there were so many times it kicked in and locked my wheels when I was sliding. If I'd been driving the van we'd probably have crashed.
I'm also surrounded by people going through nasty relationship/ divorce issues. Heather O and her husband are really in the thick of it, and its ALL she can talk about/focus on. I really do mean ALL. It gets bad enough I just want to run the other direction when I see her. But in an attempt to be a good friend and Christian, I stay and try to quietly listen without interjecting too much well-meaning advice. The truth is, I don't know what to tell her! Her husband sounds like a real jerk. But she also cheated on him. And when she talks about her disbelief at how cruel he's acting, and how he's manipulating their kids, it just makes me think about when I was in that position and stirs up so many feelings. Absolute disbelief and betrayal at Daryl emptying our bank account, drinking every weekend, not paying child support, getting a girlfriend......he was like a stranger to me. It was the ultimate reckoning. When you stand on the edge and wonder, what have I done????? You can never be prepared for that.
"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect." Malachai 2:16 (NSV)
You hate me Daryl, and you broke my heart. And you have tried to continue punishing me for 3 years with this dragged out, circus of a divorce. I'm really feeling it lately. It hurts. More than anything it is terrifying to think about dealing with you until the girls grow up. I'm terrified that you've put me in a financial hole I cannot climb out of. That the girls' weddings and college funds are going to be non-existant thanks to me paying off this debt. That their current living conditions will be affected by it. That you have us in bondage. That I'll have to live with my mentally ill mother for a long time. And yet you have no idea what all of this has done or the repercussions of your actions. Daily I'm trying to give this to God and trust that he will not allow me to remain in bondage.
"For the Lord watches over the path of the Godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalms 1:6 NLT
Prayer: Father, I am struggling with hopelessness, and feeling like a failure. I wish I had nothing to worry about with these texts. I wish I had better control of myself and foresight to know that anything that can be used against me, will. I know people tried to tell me, but I was just angry and looking for a place to unleash it. I feel like a crappy Christian lately, because I'm trying to minister to people around me but I can't get myself under control. Please help me father to tap into your redemption and grace so I can move forward and make better choices. I'm praying that this court date will be within your will, despite the limited tools you have. I know you've worked with less before! Thank you for your endless patience and grace, because I would have given up on me long ago. Please reveal your will to me with clarity. And enable me to fulfill it to the best I can. I love you Father, you are all I have. Amen.
On another subject, I am really struggling right now. The lawyer called and said Daryl is requesting ALL our text messages from the last 3 years. She suspects he's going to say I'm abusive because I've told him giving up his rights is an option a few times. I'm really worried about how far he's going to try dragging me through the mud. When we first separated I can't recall specifics but I know I texted him some very mean stuff. I hadnt known Christ yet, and I was pregnant working nights and single parenting. It was the most stress I can recall, ever. Then I had Mabel and suffered from some very rough post-partum depression and anxiety. I was sleeping with Greg and miserable. I'm trying to give it all to God, but I'm also terrified. Afraid that all this struggle and lawyer bills will be completely in vain, or even worse that I will come out of it with less than I went in. Daryl's new lawyer is very good at what he does. And lately Kelly sounds disconnected and apathetic....sometimes I swear she sounds like she can't stand me and thinks our case has no merit. She also announced she was pregnant at the last court date, so there's pregnancy brain and exhaustion to figure into this as well. I'm hoping mom and I made the right choice a few months ago when we made the choice to keep her instead of looking into that christian lawyer Maggie recommended. I'm also worried about the financial strain all of this is putting on Grandma Bea. She sounded grumpy last time I asked for lawyer bill money. I also feel guilty because not this time but last I ended up spending some of the lawyer bill money on bills and Christmas. I didn't ask for 1 dollar more this time, even though I was tempted because I have this car sales tax payment and titling due at the end of the month for 1700 dollars I have no clue how I'll pay. That's another part of this giant fiery ball of stress in my stomach...what if I've gotten in over my head with the new car? I was so grateful to have it with the snow, I dont think my van would have made it! Heat is an absolute necessity in negative degree weather. And with the traction control on there were so many times it kicked in and locked my wheels when I was sliding. If I'd been driving the van we'd probably have crashed.
I'm also surrounded by people going through nasty relationship/ divorce issues. Heather O and her husband are really in the thick of it, and its ALL she can talk about/focus on. I really do mean ALL. It gets bad enough I just want to run the other direction when I see her. But in an attempt to be a good friend and Christian, I stay and try to quietly listen without interjecting too much well-meaning advice. The truth is, I don't know what to tell her! Her husband sounds like a real jerk. But she also cheated on him. And when she talks about her disbelief at how cruel he's acting, and how he's manipulating their kids, it just makes me think about when I was in that position and stirs up so many feelings. Absolute disbelief and betrayal at Daryl emptying our bank account, drinking every weekend, not paying child support, getting a girlfriend......he was like a stranger to me. It was the ultimate reckoning. When you stand on the edge and wonder, what have I done????? You can never be prepared for that.
"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect." Malachai 2:16 (NSV)
You hate me Daryl, and you broke my heart. And you have tried to continue punishing me for 3 years with this dragged out, circus of a divorce. I'm really feeling it lately. It hurts. More than anything it is terrifying to think about dealing with you until the girls grow up. I'm terrified that you've put me in a financial hole I cannot climb out of. That the girls' weddings and college funds are going to be non-existant thanks to me paying off this debt. That their current living conditions will be affected by it. That you have us in bondage. That I'll have to live with my mentally ill mother for a long time. And yet you have no idea what all of this has done or the repercussions of your actions. Daily I'm trying to give this to God and trust that he will not allow me to remain in bondage.
"For the Lord watches over the path of the Godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction." Psalms 1:6 NLT
Prayer: Father, I am struggling with hopelessness, and feeling like a failure. I wish I had nothing to worry about with these texts. I wish I had better control of myself and foresight to know that anything that can be used against me, will. I know people tried to tell me, but I was just angry and looking for a place to unleash it. I feel like a crappy Christian lately, because I'm trying to minister to people around me but I can't get myself under control. Please help me father to tap into your redemption and grace so I can move forward and make better choices. I'm praying that this court date will be within your will, despite the limited tools you have. I know you've worked with less before! Thank you for your endless patience and grace, because I would have given up on me long ago. Please reveal your will to me with clarity. And enable me to fulfill it to the best I can. I love you Father, you are all I have. Amen.