June 27, 2012.
Would you please get our from under my skin
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go
Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame
Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know...
I'm really lonely, and I see no reprieve in sight. I keep wondering when it's time to stop grieving for my marriage, my dreams, the good parts about D that I miss. I tried to clean out the DVD's and it's such a dumb thing to care about but it was a large part of our relationship. They were like little time portals I would touch and be transported back to the time we bought the movie together or snuggled on the couch while watching or he bought me as a present. I do miss that stuff, the sweet times. It wasn't all bad....I wouldn't have stayed 3 years if it was. This feeling is like a giant rock in my stomach. Ugh. I promised God I wouldn't date until my divorce is through, to do things the right way, but after only a month I'm damn lonely and scared. I also keep revisiting the many mistakes I've made during this separation. I can't control his actions, or in this case reactions, but I can see now that keeping him from calling and seeing he has hurt Lydia so much. I thought I was protecting her from his insanity but I don't think it's turning out any less harmful. She's been crying alot over him lately and it breaks my heart. This process has been the worst on her. But I don't let my thoughts linger on it or my heart would split in two. I'll never know for sure, but I felt leaving was best for the girls, to not grow up in a toxic household. I wish I'd been a stronger Christian at the time, but I wasn't. I would have pushed harder for marriage counseling. But that chance is long gone. What hurts the most is that all he can see is his own pain.....he just has never understood the way I cared about him, so now he can't see how much leaving him has hurt me and continues to hurt.
I know what I should be focusing on right now, but I can't seem to make myself care for long stretches at a time. This fog around my brain is dense from new baby, stress, etc...so I'm trying to be easy on myself as possible. It can be difficult since I have the tendency to place impossibly high standards on myself. I just want to be a good mom, good person, good Christian, good daughter, good sister, good friend. But I fall short of the Glory of God and everything else. I should relish in God's love more, the fact that he loves me as I am--completely imperfect, and I am useful to him anyway.
For I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go
Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame
Would you please get our from under my skin
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance
And you should go, go, go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know...
I'm really lonely, and I see no reprieve in sight. I keep wondering when it's time to stop grieving for my marriage, my dreams, the good parts about D that I miss. I tried to clean out the DVD's and it's such a dumb thing to care about but it was a large part of our relationship. They were like little time portals I would touch and be transported back to the time we bought the movie together or snuggled on the couch while watching or he bought me as a present. I do miss that stuff, the sweet times. It wasn't all bad....I wouldn't have stayed 3 years if it was. This feeling is like a giant rock in my stomach. Ugh. I promised God I wouldn't date until my divorce is through, to do things the right way, but after only a month I'm damn lonely and scared. I also keep revisiting the many mistakes I've made during this separation. I can't control his actions, or in this case reactions, but I can see now that keeping him from calling and seeing he has hurt Lydia so much. I thought I was protecting her from his insanity but I don't think it's turning out any less harmful. She's been crying alot over him lately and it breaks my heart. This process has been the worst on her. But I don't let my thoughts linger on it or my heart would split in two. I'll never know for sure, but I felt leaving was best for the girls, to not grow up in a toxic household. I wish I'd been a stronger Christian at the time, but I wasn't. I would have pushed harder for marriage counseling. But that chance is long gone. What hurts the most is that all he can see is his own pain.....he just has never understood the way I cared about him, so now he can't see how much leaving him has hurt me and continues to hurt.
I know what I should be focusing on right now, but I can't seem to make myself care for long stretches at a time. This fog around my brain is dense from new baby, stress, etc...so I'm trying to be easy on myself as possible. It can be difficult since I have the tendency to place impossibly high standards on myself. I just want to be a good mom, good person, good Christian, good daughter, good sister, good friend. But I fall short of the Glory of God and everything else. I should relish in God's love more, the fact that he loves me as I am--completely imperfect, and I am useful to him anyway.