May 24, 2012
"What's this feeling? My love will rip a hole in the ceiling. Giving myself to you from the essence of my being. Sing to my God these songs of love and healing."---- Matisyahu
I was contemplating my unworthiness....how I could either let the feelings of inferiority stand between myself and God, or I could rejoice in the absolute beauty of receiving a gift I could never ever deserve. Satan wants me to wallow in this self pity and doubt, dragging my heels against what the Holy Spirit whispers in my heart everyday, but I choose to stand against that mind-frame now.
My choices, my "independence", my arrogance are what have brought me to this place. I have been half-living. A year ago this upcoming Sunday is the first time I walked into a church and felt God speak to me.....not my mother's version of God, but the actual One. He asked me to surrender my anguish to him, to trust. It was like a whisper on the wind, building strength until one day in June 2011 I crossed the threshold into his love. And I have never been the same. I honestly feel I would have committed suicide or ended up back with Daryl if it wasn't for Him lending me His strength. But these last 2 months I chose to put myself back into the chains of my old life, where I foolishly did what I "knew" was best for me and the people around me.......and my joy vanished. I felt angry, empty, cold, ashamed, heartsick. I prayed but felt my prayers bouncing off the sky. I knew what I was supposed to do but I felt I "deserved" a little comfort and attention from Greg. My life fell apart at the seams again.
But I won't let the shame of my betrayal against God continue to be the rift between us. I'm letting it go to Him. I prayed for the strength to break things off with Greg, and He showed me mercy by making it easy on me. We said we could be friends, it didn't end months from now with my heart in little pieces on the floor....and I know that's exactly how it would have been. Could I have recovered from another heartbreak like that? I'm glad I don't have to find out.
Rules are on what is on my mind now.....I felt I could bend the rules He put in place to keep me safe....so arrogant. I experienced firsthand that those rules are my saving grace, they may be difficult to follow but not nearly as painful as the earthly consequences of not. I'm not a rule follower by nature....rules tick me off, they challenge me, they make me get ugly. But God's rules are different to me now.....I see them as welcome relief from this world I just don't have the strength to navigate anymore. When I drink, I always regret the choices I make, even if its just staying up too late or feeling like crap in the morning....or worse, like chatting with Aaron Niles. No sex before marriage always seemed like an outdated rule.....but I know beyond a doubt now that it is for my protection, from myself. I can't control myself, I fall in love, and I obsess, and then there's all the other things like STD's and pregnancy to worry about. There are too many variables, and I can't manage them all no matter how educated or careful I am.
Apples..... I know now that I'm not one of those easy to reach apples all the guys go for. I'm one of the special ones, way at the top, that not just any guy is willing to climb up and get. I've done things the rotten apple way, now I see I need to be a patient apple sitting at the top, basking in the sun.
Redeeming Love........that book is etched on my heart. Wanting my own "Micheal Hosea" was part of the reason I was able to end things with Greg. He's a long way from that.
Prayer box.....write my concerns on slips of paper, date them, and give them over to God.
Tin can telephones.......you can't listen while you're talking to God.
Singing..........I read that telling God "not right now" is the same as saying no. He wants me to join praise choir. I need to just do it, and let Him worry about the rest.
Lord, help me as I try to take all of this in. It has taken me far longer than it should to choose obedience to you, and I feel robbed of the joy of the process since I had to let life beat me into submission rather than relying on faith. Thank you for your mercy. I know my lessons could have been far worse than they have been lately. Help me heal, Lord. My heart and soul are aching from trying to find my salvation in men, when all along it was you. Help me to have faith that you are the one who will fix myself, set me on the path.....that it is nothing I do. Your mercy is more than my mind and soul will ever grasp while I'm here. Thank you!
I was contemplating my unworthiness....how I could either let the feelings of inferiority stand between myself and God, or I could rejoice in the absolute beauty of receiving a gift I could never ever deserve. Satan wants me to wallow in this self pity and doubt, dragging my heels against what the Holy Spirit whispers in my heart everyday, but I choose to stand against that mind-frame now.
My choices, my "independence", my arrogance are what have brought me to this place. I have been half-living. A year ago this upcoming Sunday is the first time I walked into a church and felt God speak to me.....not my mother's version of God, but the actual One. He asked me to surrender my anguish to him, to trust. It was like a whisper on the wind, building strength until one day in June 2011 I crossed the threshold into his love. And I have never been the same. I honestly feel I would have committed suicide or ended up back with Daryl if it wasn't for Him lending me His strength. But these last 2 months I chose to put myself back into the chains of my old life, where I foolishly did what I "knew" was best for me and the people around me.......and my joy vanished. I felt angry, empty, cold, ashamed, heartsick. I prayed but felt my prayers bouncing off the sky. I knew what I was supposed to do but I felt I "deserved" a little comfort and attention from Greg. My life fell apart at the seams again.
But I won't let the shame of my betrayal against God continue to be the rift between us. I'm letting it go to Him. I prayed for the strength to break things off with Greg, and He showed me mercy by making it easy on me. We said we could be friends, it didn't end months from now with my heart in little pieces on the floor....and I know that's exactly how it would have been. Could I have recovered from another heartbreak like that? I'm glad I don't have to find out.
Rules are on what is on my mind now.....I felt I could bend the rules He put in place to keep me safe....so arrogant. I experienced firsthand that those rules are my saving grace, they may be difficult to follow but not nearly as painful as the earthly consequences of not. I'm not a rule follower by nature....rules tick me off, they challenge me, they make me get ugly. But God's rules are different to me now.....I see them as welcome relief from this world I just don't have the strength to navigate anymore. When I drink, I always regret the choices I make, even if its just staying up too late or feeling like crap in the morning....or worse, like chatting with Aaron Niles. No sex before marriage always seemed like an outdated rule.....but I know beyond a doubt now that it is for my protection, from myself. I can't control myself, I fall in love, and I obsess, and then there's all the other things like STD's and pregnancy to worry about. There are too many variables, and I can't manage them all no matter how educated or careful I am.
Apples..... I know now that I'm not one of those easy to reach apples all the guys go for. I'm one of the special ones, way at the top, that not just any guy is willing to climb up and get. I've done things the rotten apple way, now I see I need to be a patient apple sitting at the top, basking in the sun.
Redeeming Love........that book is etched on my heart. Wanting my own "Micheal Hosea" was part of the reason I was able to end things with Greg. He's a long way from that.
Prayer box.....write my concerns on slips of paper, date them, and give them over to God.
Tin can telephones.......you can't listen while you're talking to God.
Singing..........I read that telling God "not right now" is the same as saying no. He wants me to join praise choir. I need to just do it, and let Him worry about the rest.
Lord, help me as I try to take all of this in. It has taken me far longer than it should to choose obedience to you, and I feel robbed of the joy of the process since I had to let life beat me into submission rather than relying on faith. Thank you for your mercy. I know my lessons could have been far worse than they have been lately. Help me heal, Lord. My heart and soul are aching from trying to find my salvation in men, when all along it was you. Help me to have faith that you are the one who will fix myself, set me on the path.....that it is nothing I do. Your mercy is more than my mind and soul will ever grasp while I'm here. Thank you!