Day 3
Yesterday I woke up and had a good talk with Anna. We talked very honestly for several hours. She can see my transparency and says she knows how much I still love her and that she realizes more work has to be done before we can even ponder dating again. I said I didn't know if that was even possible despite the agonizing amount that I love her. She said she understood. I said we can't live together anymore and she said she knows she blew it. It was hard but good.
I went out to do some errands after and my friend A. called me up and said she was in the hood and did I need anything. It was good to walk around the neighbourhood to shop and have some sense of normalcy. She helped me load 10,000 banana boxes into my car prior to our shopping around for shoes. Later when I went back to the car, the baking sun on a black car with banana boxes= stinky rotten banana stench! Ugh. I had promised some other friends I had not seen in ages that I would drop by for a drink, so I did. Cried a little again but recouped. It made them cry.
I decided that because A. was going to Diva's Den (a women's strip night fundraiser) that I would have the guts to go. It was hard but I needed to be distracted. When I walked in there were friends of Anna's and mine who ushered me over to sit with them. They asked where she was, I got all choked up, tried my best to explain. They were so unexpectedly wonderful and accepting. I just needed to stay there, with people who love us both. I really didn't see A. much or the friends I had drinks with and had convinced to come which made me feel badly. I just needed to feel okay and being there with those folks who know us both did the trick. Watching the campy performances also helped.
The night was a great distraction until the song "apologize" came on. It had me nearly run out the door. It's my breakup song about Anna and I. I recovered and enjoyed the rest of the wild and excellent show. My friend Elaine did a remarkable performance. Then my friends dragged me to Hershe to go dancing. I knew it was a mistake the minute I walked in. I couldn't handle being there. It brought up too many feelings and so I left.
I was naughty. On the way home I texted Anna telling her how mad I was that she put me in this position. The position of loving her so much and not being able to emotionally safely have her in my life. We chatted that way for over an hour and a half until I was falling asleep between messages. She was good about it and said she understood and that she was glad I messaged her. At points it is all I can do not to say "please come home".
This morning she messaged me as soon as I had my computer on and we talked for a long time on msn. I appreciate that she is willing to hear all the hard stuff. I also know I need to stay resolute. I told her I was packing everything up today, that I can't let her do that because it would be too emotionally hard. Frankly it is brutal even when I am doing it. My house feels stripped and empty without her and her things and I'm only 1/4 done.
Sometimes doing the right thing is agonizing. She is saying everything I want to hear. She has said these things before. The difference is this time she is saying she won't even try to win me back until she has figured all the crap out that is keeping her from loving properly the person she loves most in this world- me. I can't fathom loving someone that much and not giving them the expressions of love they need. It is like second nature to me.
So now I need to be strong, for her to grow, and for me to be safe. I'm lonely and sad and my self esteem has taken a huge dive. But I'll carry on and work on myself. If I ever date again it will be with a clear set of criteria of what I need and what is negotiable. It's not worth settling for a life that doesn't work for me. It's too short. Spend time with my 87 year old grandma who is resentful because she isn't ready to die and you'd understand.
I went out to do some errands after and my friend A. called me up and said she was in the hood and did I need anything. It was good to walk around the neighbourhood to shop and have some sense of normalcy. She helped me load 10,000 banana boxes into my car prior to our shopping around for shoes. Later when I went back to the car, the baking sun on a black car with banana boxes= stinky rotten banana stench! Ugh. I had promised some other friends I had not seen in ages that I would drop by for a drink, so I did. Cried a little again but recouped. It made them cry.
I decided that because A. was going to Diva's Den (a women's strip night fundraiser) that I would have the guts to go. It was hard but I needed to be distracted. When I walked in there were friends of Anna's and mine who ushered me over to sit with them. They asked where she was, I got all choked up, tried my best to explain. They were so unexpectedly wonderful and accepting. I just needed to stay there, with people who love us both. I really didn't see A. much or the friends I had drinks with and had convinced to come which made me feel badly. I just needed to feel okay and being there with those folks who know us both did the trick. Watching the campy performances also helped.
The night was a great distraction until the song "apologize" came on. It had me nearly run out the door. It's my breakup song about Anna and I. I recovered and enjoyed the rest of the wild and excellent show. My friend Elaine did a remarkable performance. Then my friends dragged me to Hershe to go dancing. I knew it was a mistake the minute I walked in. I couldn't handle being there. It brought up too many feelings and so I left.
I was naughty. On the way home I texted Anna telling her how mad I was that she put me in this position. The position of loving her so much and not being able to emotionally safely have her in my life. We chatted that way for over an hour and a half until I was falling asleep between messages. She was good about it and said she understood and that she was glad I messaged her. At points it is all I can do not to say "please come home".
This morning she messaged me as soon as I had my computer on and we talked for a long time on msn. I appreciate that she is willing to hear all the hard stuff. I also know I need to stay resolute. I told her I was packing everything up today, that I can't let her do that because it would be too emotionally hard. Frankly it is brutal even when I am doing it. My house feels stripped and empty without her and her things and I'm only 1/4 done.
Sometimes doing the right thing is agonizing. She is saying everything I want to hear. She has said these things before. The difference is this time she is saying she won't even try to win me back until she has figured all the crap out that is keeping her from loving properly the person she loves most in this world- me. I can't fathom loving someone that much and not giving them the expressions of love they need. It is like second nature to me.
So now I need to be strong, for her to grow, and for me to be safe. I'm lonely and sad and my self esteem has taken a huge dive. But I'll carry on and work on myself. If I ever date again it will be with a clear set of criteria of what I need and what is negotiable. It's not worth settling for a life that doesn't work for me. It's too short. Spend time with my 87 year old grandma who is resentful because she isn't ready to die and you'd understand.