Soul Man, Chapter 2
MEMO
From the Desks of the Princes of Hell
TO: Dean Winchester
RE: Your recent soulfunding project
It has come to our attention that you recently created and successfully funded the most massive soul harvesting campaign in Hell's history. What you accomplished was astounding. Needless to say, we are most impressed. We would like to convey our most profound respect and appreciation to you. Despite your deplorable past as a human hunter we consider you to be a demon with a bright future.
We are curious as to your methods, however. The time frame for the standard deal is typically ten years. Why did you give one year instead?
We mean no disrespect by this. No matter how unorthodox your methods are, the fact that they are most effective is undeniable. It is our understanding that you have forged an alliance with Circe and her coven, which does explain the quickness of your results. This is most remarkable. No one else in the history of Hell has been able to do that.
We do have some concerns about future endeavors, however. We hearby respectfully request a temporary freeze on future harvests. Due to budget cuts in personnel we are now experiencing a backlog in processing incoming souls. The Second Circle (Lust) in particular has experienced massive delays. Many of the souls are demanding that you pay them a personal visit of a carnal nature. That is not going to happen, of course. We are not in the habit of giving them what they want down here. If they wanted to be rewarded they should have kept it in their pants, behaved themselves and gone Upstairs.
We have currently set up a holding area in the First Circle (Limbo). The unbaptized and the virtuous pagans are pitching a fit about overcrowding. Tough titty, as the kitty was purported to have said. Depending on the nature of the deals of the damned, the backlogs range from anywhere from 6 months to a year for the following departments:
Second Circle (Lust)
Third Circle (Gluttony)
Fourth Circle (Greed and Avarice)
Fifth Circle (Anger)
Sixth Circle (Heresy/Flaming BBQ pits) Don't be a stranger. You're welcome to visit any time. Lunch is on the house. We recommend the rump roast with hickory smoke flavored BBQ sauce.
Seventh Circle (Violence)
Eighth Circle (Fraud)
Ninth Circle (Treachery)
King Crowley (His Infernal Majesty, long may he reign) has ordered that half of our personnel topside come down to beef up our workforce until the backlog is eliminated. That means that certain tv evangelists, politicians and internet trolls will have to put their careers on hold for the time being, but that's a small price to pay. He is our King after all, and if they do not comply we are certain that Juliet and her pack will be only to happy to drag them back down to Hell for a stay of a more permanent nature. We remain confident that we can and will recruit new personnel from the influx of souls after processing. Then you may resume operations.
Once again, our sincere regards and thanks for your efforts.
BTW: Snooki sends her love.
Sincerely,
Princes Rege, Larnu, Pau, Set, Medit et al
TBC this week.