Dependancy and the annoying reality of aggrivation
So yeah this is an annoyed rant. I'm not sure why I'm annoyed it's probably a few things all rolled into one, but it's one of those moments where I want to let my hair down and scream at the top of my lungs. But because I lack the ability to lose that self-control it usually just ends in a mess of tears and a sore throat from trying to swallow that pride I just can't vomit up.
Independence and the inability to admit reliance:
I am a very independent person, and I usually have issues asking for help when I need it, be it financially, emotionally, physically or metaphorically. It's been something I have been working on in the last year, anyway, not to be that person who 'can not' ask for help. My father has always been an authority figure and a rock in the face of madness that stood fast, and I probably have only ever witnessed him reach breaking point twice in my almost 30 years on this earth.
It wasn't until the culmination and spilling of every sacred thought, that is counselling... that I realized simply 'I am human'. I have needs, I have desires, I have the inability to expose my soft spot. I so crave for someone to rescue me sometimes when I least expect it, that I actually shelter any evidence that I am hurting. It's the legacy that my father taught me. The irony is that I can see right through every one else's thick exterior, right to those squishy parts that they don't want anyone to know are bruised. Secretly I always longed for someone to do the same and be compassionate about it.
See the thing is, that anyone in my past that I have let see my weakness, or has seen it regardless, have turned it against me, to play in their favour and get some kind of personal gain from it. All of them, whether they realized it or not, or outwardly pretended to have me in mind, ended up hurting me, and leaving a scar in the soft bruised under-tissue.
The silly part is, that I always seemed to rely on someone else, just as we all do every day, to save me, to comfort ME for a change. So simultaneously being the stone wall of stability I was a tender crumbling ruin inside that just needed someone to touch it the right way to realize I was hanging on a thread.
This is not to say I am hanging on a thread at present, but I was thinking about it today... the counselling I chose to endure at the beginning of the year. It was ever so painful and I realized I may never forgive for the scars that were laid over the years. The middle of January will mark one year that world got turned upside down... not that I am purposely keeping track, it was more of an after thought.
And I almost cried. Maybe because today I felt alone entirely for the first time in a long time. And in that aloneness, thoughts of mortality and panic began flooding my mind.
I have a tendancy to do this to myself every now and again, I don't know if it's being open minded or comforting myself into delusion when it happens. Am I grounding myself and realizing when I open my mind to all my worries, everything floats to the surface? Or Am I forcing myself into a plan, some kind of preparedness that I lacked previously?
A person can not possibly be open 100 % of the time. It will drive a person insane. Sometimes I find my mind has opened the floodgates of reality, and instead of desperately fighting against it until I drown, I make an emergency plan... a practice if you will, about siphoning water and diverting efforts.
All I can be is honest with myself and everyone else. I am unprepared, and it scares me. But I am currently trying to devise some kind of an action plan that is 'proactive' instead of just solely reactive.
January will mark the close to one year of adventure... and open a new gate, not only because it is a new year, but because I hope it will bring some closure for me. Unfortunately, I have grown impatient and that is over a month away. I try to comfort myself in knowing that the absence of fact is causing my present stress... but until I am able to resolve this on my own, I will feel as though my self accomplishment is incomplete. The current amount of stress, I think I subconsciously brought on myself, has come because I needed a wake up call.
I need to know that everything I have gotten myself into recently, and in the past is my responsibility and I have just as much responsibility in resolving it. Only this isn't a 30 min tv show where some kind of relief comes with sirens and some kind of flashing light to signal the end... no the end of this comes when I wade my way out of the stress one brimming bucket at a time. And that can only happen over time... nothing is instant in the world, not even oatmeal.
The reality of it though, brings me back... to that aggravation that no matter how much ownership I want to accept for my own... I am still dependent on a few things... which ultimately, by definition makes me anything other then independent.
That as they say, is irony.
Independence and the inability to admit reliance:
I am a very independent person, and I usually have issues asking for help when I need it, be it financially, emotionally, physically or metaphorically. It's been something I have been working on in the last year, anyway, not to be that person who 'can not' ask for help. My father has always been an authority figure and a rock in the face of madness that stood fast, and I probably have only ever witnessed him reach breaking point twice in my almost 30 years on this earth.
It wasn't until the culmination and spilling of every sacred thought, that is counselling... that I realized simply 'I am human'. I have needs, I have desires, I have the inability to expose my soft spot. I so crave for someone to rescue me sometimes when I least expect it, that I actually shelter any evidence that I am hurting. It's the legacy that my father taught me. The irony is that I can see right through every one else's thick exterior, right to those squishy parts that they don't want anyone to know are bruised. Secretly I always longed for someone to do the same and be compassionate about it.
See the thing is, that anyone in my past that I have let see my weakness, or has seen it regardless, have turned it against me, to play in their favour and get some kind of personal gain from it. All of them, whether they realized it or not, or outwardly pretended to have me in mind, ended up hurting me, and leaving a scar in the soft bruised under-tissue.
The silly part is, that I always seemed to rely on someone else, just as we all do every day, to save me, to comfort ME for a change. So simultaneously being the stone wall of stability I was a tender crumbling ruin inside that just needed someone to touch it the right way to realize I was hanging on a thread.
This is not to say I am hanging on a thread at present, but I was thinking about it today... the counselling I chose to endure at the beginning of the year. It was ever so painful and I realized I may never forgive for the scars that were laid over the years. The middle of January will mark one year that world got turned upside down... not that I am purposely keeping track, it was more of an after thought.
And I almost cried. Maybe because today I felt alone entirely for the first time in a long time. And in that aloneness, thoughts of mortality and panic began flooding my mind.
I have a tendancy to do this to myself every now and again, I don't know if it's being open minded or comforting myself into delusion when it happens. Am I grounding myself and realizing when I open my mind to all my worries, everything floats to the surface? Or Am I forcing myself into a plan, some kind of preparedness that I lacked previously?
A person can not possibly be open 100 % of the time. It will drive a person insane. Sometimes I find my mind has opened the floodgates of reality, and instead of desperately fighting against it until I drown, I make an emergency plan... a practice if you will, about siphoning water and diverting efforts.
All I can be is honest with myself and everyone else. I am unprepared, and it scares me. But I am currently trying to devise some kind of an action plan that is 'proactive' instead of just solely reactive.
January will mark the close to one year of adventure... and open a new gate, not only because it is a new year, but because I hope it will bring some closure for me. Unfortunately, I have grown impatient and that is over a month away. I try to comfort myself in knowing that the absence of fact is causing my present stress... but until I am able to resolve this on my own, I will feel as though my self accomplishment is incomplete. The current amount of stress, I think I subconsciously brought on myself, has come because I needed a wake up call.
I need to know that everything I have gotten myself into recently, and in the past is my responsibility and I have just as much responsibility in resolving it. Only this isn't a 30 min tv show where some kind of relief comes with sirens and some kind of flashing light to signal the end... no the end of this comes when I wade my way out of the stress one brimming bucket at a time. And that can only happen over time... nothing is instant in the world, not even oatmeal.
The reality of it though, brings me back... to that aggravation that no matter how much ownership I want to accept for my own... I am still dependent on a few things... which ultimately, by definition makes me anything other then independent.
That as they say, is irony.