Days become weeks Weeks become months and I become more confused
I havent updated in a long time, my internet at home has been down and my computer is messed up. Damn technology!
The craziest few days I have had in a long time. The horrible fight. Found out I dont take well to physical violence in my presence. The shaking lasted for hours. Funny thing that Nina pointed out is when those idiots came back she went around the corner thinking I was gonna follow instead I storm up and stand in front of everyone. What I thought I could do who knows. I was just gonna go protect my friends. All 5'3 of me. I am a killer grrrr feel the intimidation!
Got rapped up in stupid situation that really had nothing to do with me. This happens. Jesse is right just got to let it go. I let things get to me. Just got to say fuck it. But I cant do that to well maybe my problem is I care to much and then I thought about it and not matter how much easier it would be to say screw it I cant. After a year plus of not caring not feeling being dead inside I cant go back to that. I dont even know who that person was. In fact it wasnt a person it was a void with flesh. Never again. I wont do that. I cant. So if I care to much fuck it. I am sensitive things do affect me a lot but I would rather have that than nothing.
Gathering at Dan and Stephs was great fun had by all. Didnt drink a lot for I am the "honest drunk" and I just wanted everything to be ok. And it seems to be. But nothing is exactly what it seems. eh
Got me some new shoes. Yea. Got paid today even bigger YEA.
Everting will be fine. Life will move on. I jsut feel so strange all the time cause I get so sad not really sad even but empty. I just dont know if I have anything to give. I hate the empty feeling and I dont know how to get rid of it. But overall Im happy good times. Best summer of my life in fact. But then the nothingness will creep in. Ill figure out what it is someday and makes it go away. All in due time I guess. With the good comes the bad. Dont know what the future holds and I dont care much because Im going to live for today, I will strive for what will make me happy now not wait for it to come in the future. Do what it takes to make me happy and others around me. Thats why I take chances let people know how I feel Im willing to take a chance on great happiness with out worrying about the end result. Becuase when you worry about the end result you could be missing out on something great at the time, and you have to live in the now. So I will continue to take these chances on happiness and hope that others around me may follow no matter what the situation may be. If it sucks in the end at least you were happy for the time being. Cause with the good comes the bad no matter what. So ill continue to put myself on the line take the pain that comes with either the rejection or the pain that comes from the aftermath no matter what there will be pain. I know this but I also know that the pain will pass and all will be well again. I so much want to have the pain of the aftermath than that of the rejection. blah blah blah blah blah rambling making no sence or maybe making a lot I dunno. I dont care.
Gonna see Meri tonight she is mad at me. Dont know what to do. Im a shitty friend I guess. Ill try harder but I can only give so much without getting a return.
Done for now off to my happy place.
The craziest few days I have had in a long time. The horrible fight. Found out I dont take well to physical violence in my presence. The shaking lasted for hours. Funny thing that Nina pointed out is when those idiots came back she went around the corner thinking I was gonna follow instead I storm up and stand in front of everyone. What I thought I could do who knows. I was just gonna go protect my friends. All 5'3 of me. I am a killer grrrr feel the intimidation!
Got rapped up in stupid situation that really had nothing to do with me. This happens. Jesse is right just got to let it go. I let things get to me. Just got to say fuck it. But I cant do that to well maybe my problem is I care to much and then I thought about it and not matter how much easier it would be to say screw it I cant. After a year plus of not caring not feeling being dead inside I cant go back to that. I dont even know who that person was. In fact it wasnt a person it was a void with flesh. Never again. I wont do that. I cant. So if I care to much fuck it. I am sensitive things do affect me a lot but I would rather have that than nothing.
Gathering at Dan and Stephs was great fun had by all. Didnt drink a lot for I am the "honest drunk" and I just wanted everything to be ok. And it seems to be. But nothing is exactly what it seems. eh
Got me some new shoes. Yea. Got paid today even bigger YEA.
Everting will be fine. Life will move on. I jsut feel so strange all the time cause I get so sad not really sad even but empty. I just dont know if I have anything to give. I hate the empty feeling and I dont know how to get rid of it. But overall Im happy good times. Best summer of my life in fact. But then the nothingness will creep in. Ill figure out what it is someday and makes it go away. All in due time I guess. With the good comes the bad. Dont know what the future holds and I dont care much because Im going to live for today, I will strive for what will make me happy now not wait for it to come in the future. Do what it takes to make me happy and others around me. Thats why I take chances let people know how I feel Im willing to take a chance on great happiness with out worrying about the end result. Becuase when you worry about the end result you could be missing out on something great at the time, and you have to live in the now. So I will continue to take these chances on happiness and hope that others around me may follow no matter what the situation may be. If it sucks in the end at least you were happy for the time being. Cause with the good comes the bad no matter what. So ill continue to put myself on the line take the pain that comes with either the rejection or the pain that comes from the aftermath no matter what there will be pain. I know this but I also know that the pain will pass and all will be well again. I so much want to have the pain of the aftermath than that of the rejection. blah blah blah blah blah rambling making no sence or maybe making a lot I dunno. I dont care.
Gonna see Meri tonight she is mad at me. Dont know what to do. Im a shitty friend I guess. Ill try harder but I can only give so much without getting a return.
Done for now off to my happy place.