(no subject)
Having read this back...my god was I young.
I wish I'd told everyone the truth about me and Barrie. Instead I held back out of shame and now realise that that shame should not have been mine and instead I've spent the last decade allowing him to pretend to be something he is not. He went around tarnishing my name and I allowed him. What occurred during our relationship majorly affects me to this day and after discussing it with a friend recently, made me realise how little I've spoken up about what happened. It's also made me realise how few friends I actually have, I have tonnes of friends but none that I can burden with my shit life. I hate being vulnerable too and this is what my life has made me feel.I've taken a step back from communicating and messaging my friends for the last few days and not one person, including family, bar Liam and the kids obviously, has asked how I am....that hurts, but I'm not anyone elses burden
The truth about why our relationship ended was because Barrie was bought up in quite an archaic household....he was also mentally abusive...to this day I wonder if he knew that? Locking my room at night and taking my keys, so I was locked in till he let me out...that was not okay, but it was such "normal" part of our relationship that I just accepted it, as did he. Maybe he never realised it was wrong? Maybe we're both to blame. The biggest downfall of our relationship is that he forced himself on me, despite me saying no, despite me telling him to get off me, despite me trying to get him off me. Despite him knowing my past. I told him afterwards what he'd done, his response was, we are in a relationship, no one will believe you and a very, very meagre apology with assurance that nothing would happen....great.
So, I moved back home, went to Uni, met Liam, had two kids, married Liam, had another child, was happy. Moved to Cornwall, eventually got my own home and a decade later, back to feeling shit...why is all this? Because everything has worked out and now things I haven't dealt with, have to be dealt with.
In total, I have been sexually abused four times, three of these have been to the police, I wonder if I attract it? I find myself wanting to tell people why I am so screwed up but then I worry that people wont believe me, wont want to be my friend and I don't see what I have to offer to friendships so the fact that I have friends makes me wonder why the heck I do. But then right now I don't fit in and have no social life so that explains that. I'm a burden, a needy burden and thas no ones responsibility. I feel guilty as I'm so complicated and I don't want to burden people with that but whats happened is sadly integral to me as a person and I wish it wasn’t. It’s a taboo and it sucks
Anyway, I’m forever grateful for Liam and my three babies. I just wish I was more understandable to people, I struggle as I seem to lose friends so quickly or scare them away somehow. I try so hard to be normal but can’t.
There’s so much more to my life beyond this, family problems and so on...but my family are my little bubble and I’ll be forever grateful to them and my rock ❤️