Valentine's Day Fiasco
so i know i haven't updated in a while. but i have alot of issues i want to post about so here goes.
please read at ur own discretion. this post will be a series of complaining and whining with a moral at the end of the story.
Valentine's Day Sucks
it was such a pretty day today that I couldn't complain. I couldn't complain about how stupid valentine's day was, how much it hurt me to see people walking hand in hand all happily, or how much it depressed me to see a flower being sold that I would never get. Valentine's Day has always been one of the worst holidays in my book, a day where i'm close to tears as i walk around, pitying myself, and wishing that my ideal love would knock on my door. unfortunately, we dont live in a fairy tale
so i realized alot of myself today. i realized so many things as i tried to address my issues since i really needed a clear mind to do all the work that I have due this week. i realized that i have alot of walls up around me. anyone talks to me about love, and i start going into this mad rant about how i hate all men that walk the face of the planet and how bitter I am at waiting 19 years for a prince charming that never had the guts to show his face. thats when i realized, i had a problem. i was too angry at prince charming for not showing up and leaving me alone all these years, and as a result, he probably would never ever show up. i would just scare him off or beat the shit out of him when he did show up. and that made me sad to realize that i would be more angry at my lover when he showed his face, rather than being thrilled out of my life that the impossible had finally made its way to me.
i don't think i am a scary person, but i think it can get pretty damn scary when someone tries to approach me in a more than friends way. and the truth is, i'm just terrified. i'm scared you guys. we live in a homophobic world. i dont want to think about what getting in a relationship entails. all the stares, the inability to hold hands in public, just all the hate left and right. or how about telling me parents and having them hate me or start blaming themselves. nope its not a fun thing at all. its like u obtain one of the greatest things in the world, yes i'm a hopeless romantic, and on the other side, ur being cursed with this huge burden. all my life i have told myself that i wouldn't bother with dealing with the burden unless it was one of those fairy tale loves. but fairy tale loves dont happen for everyone in the real world. and i can't sit around being picky about who prince charming is. for all i know, he could be sitting right smack dab in front of my face
so the fairy tale bug is screwing me over. but other than the fear of having to deal with society, i have alot of other fears too, which are brought out by valentines day. i am so scared that i am cursed to be alone for my entire life. it just seems like the odds are completely not in my favor. tons of normal straight people haven't found their soulmates yet and they dont have to deal with the question of is he gay or is he not? it makes it even harder when u have to sit around guessing if a person might be interested in you, without completely pressuring them with your own sexuality. and it seems like we are rare enough as it is. combine that with the many other factors, and dammit aaliyah is right. thats one in a million. and what about running into them at the right moment, thanks to location, schooling etc. what happens when they are off in some random place in the world like new guinea or something. that diminishes the odds to probably like 1 in a billion. and then weed out the ones that aren't compatible with you. 1 in a trillion? okay yea these odds are getting depressing
aite well i know this post probably made absolutely no sense, cuz i have made no sense all day long, but it was just something i wanted to share with you guys. there is a side of me i would like to share with u, a side that isn't always happy, ditzy, or crazy. its a part of who i am.
nite ya'll
please read at ur own discretion. this post will be a series of complaining and whining with a moral at the end of the story.
Valentine's Day Sucks
it was such a pretty day today that I couldn't complain. I couldn't complain about how stupid valentine's day was, how much it hurt me to see people walking hand in hand all happily, or how much it depressed me to see a flower being sold that I would never get. Valentine's Day has always been one of the worst holidays in my book, a day where i'm close to tears as i walk around, pitying myself, and wishing that my ideal love would knock on my door. unfortunately, we dont live in a fairy tale
so i realized alot of myself today. i realized so many things as i tried to address my issues since i really needed a clear mind to do all the work that I have due this week. i realized that i have alot of walls up around me. anyone talks to me about love, and i start going into this mad rant about how i hate all men that walk the face of the planet and how bitter I am at waiting 19 years for a prince charming that never had the guts to show his face. thats when i realized, i had a problem. i was too angry at prince charming for not showing up and leaving me alone all these years, and as a result, he probably would never ever show up. i would just scare him off or beat the shit out of him when he did show up. and that made me sad to realize that i would be more angry at my lover when he showed his face, rather than being thrilled out of my life that the impossible had finally made its way to me.
i don't think i am a scary person, but i think it can get pretty damn scary when someone tries to approach me in a more than friends way. and the truth is, i'm just terrified. i'm scared you guys. we live in a homophobic world. i dont want to think about what getting in a relationship entails. all the stares, the inability to hold hands in public, just all the hate left and right. or how about telling me parents and having them hate me or start blaming themselves. nope its not a fun thing at all. its like u obtain one of the greatest things in the world, yes i'm a hopeless romantic, and on the other side, ur being cursed with this huge burden. all my life i have told myself that i wouldn't bother with dealing with the burden unless it was one of those fairy tale loves. but fairy tale loves dont happen for everyone in the real world. and i can't sit around being picky about who prince charming is. for all i know, he could be sitting right smack dab in front of my face
so the fairy tale bug is screwing me over. but other than the fear of having to deal with society, i have alot of other fears too, which are brought out by valentines day. i am so scared that i am cursed to be alone for my entire life. it just seems like the odds are completely not in my favor. tons of normal straight people haven't found their soulmates yet and they dont have to deal with the question of is he gay or is he not? it makes it even harder when u have to sit around guessing if a person might be interested in you, without completely pressuring them with your own sexuality. and it seems like we are rare enough as it is. combine that with the many other factors, and dammit aaliyah is right. thats one in a million. and what about running into them at the right moment, thanks to location, schooling etc. what happens when they are off in some random place in the world like new guinea or something. that diminishes the odds to probably like 1 in a billion. and then weed out the ones that aren't compatible with you. 1 in a trillion? okay yea these odds are getting depressing
aite well i know this post probably made absolutely no sense, cuz i have made no sense all day long, but it was just something i wanted to share with you guys. there is a side of me i would like to share with u, a side that isn't always happy, ditzy, or crazy. its a part of who i am.
nite ya'll