Intersexed Fantasy
So I'm in this class called Introduction to Gender Studies. It's a really neat class that talks about gender identities. We are going to talk about what previous cultures have thought of people in different genders, how that has changed, what it is now, and how we feel about it. It is really cool, and I thought that I was going to have a great time in it. I have a teacher who I swear is a lesbian (her clothes just scream it), and it is a subject matter that relates to me. I mean, who else is more gender confused than I am?
And that's just it. I took the class because I thought it would help me explore my gender identity. Only... it is making me explore that, and sometimes exploring this subject is frustrating and depressing.
The first thing I want to point out here: I hate it when people tell me I don't want to be a girl. I mean, I understand where female sexed people are coming from. They hate periods, many of them are upset at having large breasts, hormonal imbalances cause lots of stress. I understand that. I mean, I can't know what that is like, but I understand that those can all be negatives to being female. However, when I say I wish I was born as a girl I really mean it. Although I can't know what having a period is like, if I could be a girl I would suffer through it. Or, at least, I wish I had the chance to experience really being a girl. I strongly suspect that even with all the biological things girl's have to go through I would be a lot more comfortable with myself.
Which leads me to my next question. Do I want gender reassignment surgery? It's called gender reassignment surgery because it is impossible to actually get a sex change. All the doctor's can do is give you plastic surgery so it looks like a male has female gentilia or visa versa. Then they pump your body full of hormones for the rest of your life. I guess it's a step closer to being a girl. Maybe it's like Data getting an emotion chip. However, I wouldn't really be a girl.
Would that matter? Maybe it would be close enough. At least it would allow me to live like a girl. I would look like one, I could train my voice to sound like one. I already act like one most of the time. Maybe that's all I need.
However, even that is a dream I fear will be forever out of my reach. The family ramifications of gender reassignment surgery is too great. My poor Mormon family. My parents, my sister, my daughter. All of them are Mormon and are not exactly in a great position to be sympathetic of my troubles. Part of me yearns to break away from them a little. Why should my family determine what choices I get to make in my life? I'm twenty one now. Is there ever going to be a time when I can make decisions without having to keep them in mind? The answer is no. Right now it is my parents. Later it will be my daughter. I love her, I really do; however, even now I feel like I have to make decisions that will continue to foster her love for me in later years. And they are decisions that I wouldn't have to keep back if she wasn't being raised Mormon. I try not to harbor hatred against the Mormon church. Yet it always seems to be getting in the way of my life. I know it does good things for lots of people, but I wish I could just break free of it. It doesn't fit me. It never will. I'm bisexual, transgendered, of pagan beliefs... it just isn't the peanut butter to my jelly. It's more like the peanut to my nut allergy. Deadly. Lethal. It's like an emotional dagger that has been stabbed through my dreams and won't go away.
And dreams lead to weird desires. I was in my gender's class today and we were talking about intersexed babies and how they almost always undergo correctional surgery. And as we were watching the movie I started wondering if I had been born intersexed. Maybe I was born a female with an enlarged clitoris and so I was surgically altered to be a guy. I got really excited about the idea because it meant that there was a reason for feeling the way I do. I was meant to be a female all the time! I get it now! Only... then I realized that I was capable of having children the same way all guys have children. It basically shot a hole through that theory really, really fast. But it was a nice thirty seconds or so.
*sigh* Well... for now I guess that's all the complaining I'm going to be doing on this subject. However, I fear it is one that won't go away while I'm in this class. Which means that I will probably be doing a vast amount of complaining, searching, and self analyzing over the next few months.
You have been warned.
P.S. What do people think of the name Lexi?
And that's just it. I took the class because I thought it would help me explore my gender identity. Only... it is making me explore that, and sometimes exploring this subject is frustrating and depressing.
The first thing I want to point out here: I hate it when people tell me I don't want to be a girl. I mean, I understand where female sexed people are coming from. They hate periods, many of them are upset at having large breasts, hormonal imbalances cause lots of stress. I understand that. I mean, I can't know what that is like, but I understand that those can all be negatives to being female. However, when I say I wish I was born as a girl I really mean it. Although I can't know what having a period is like, if I could be a girl I would suffer through it. Or, at least, I wish I had the chance to experience really being a girl. I strongly suspect that even with all the biological things girl's have to go through I would be a lot more comfortable with myself.
Which leads me to my next question. Do I want gender reassignment surgery? It's called gender reassignment surgery because it is impossible to actually get a sex change. All the doctor's can do is give you plastic surgery so it looks like a male has female gentilia or visa versa. Then they pump your body full of hormones for the rest of your life. I guess it's a step closer to being a girl. Maybe it's like Data getting an emotion chip. However, I wouldn't really be a girl.
Would that matter? Maybe it would be close enough. At least it would allow me to live like a girl. I would look like one, I could train my voice to sound like one. I already act like one most of the time. Maybe that's all I need.
However, even that is a dream I fear will be forever out of my reach. The family ramifications of gender reassignment surgery is too great. My poor Mormon family. My parents, my sister, my daughter. All of them are Mormon and are not exactly in a great position to be sympathetic of my troubles. Part of me yearns to break away from them a little. Why should my family determine what choices I get to make in my life? I'm twenty one now. Is there ever going to be a time when I can make decisions without having to keep them in mind? The answer is no. Right now it is my parents. Later it will be my daughter. I love her, I really do; however, even now I feel like I have to make decisions that will continue to foster her love for me in later years. And they are decisions that I wouldn't have to keep back if she wasn't being raised Mormon. I try not to harbor hatred against the Mormon church. Yet it always seems to be getting in the way of my life. I know it does good things for lots of people, but I wish I could just break free of it. It doesn't fit me. It never will. I'm bisexual, transgendered, of pagan beliefs... it just isn't the peanut butter to my jelly. It's more like the peanut to my nut allergy. Deadly. Lethal. It's like an emotional dagger that has been stabbed through my dreams and won't go away.
And dreams lead to weird desires. I was in my gender's class today and we were talking about intersexed babies and how they almost always undergo correctional surgery. And as we were watching the movie I started wondering if I had been born intersexed. Maybe I was born a female with an enlarged clitoris and so I was surgically altered to be a guy. I got really excited about the idea because it meant that there was a reason for feeling the way I do. I was meant to be a female all the time! I get it now! Only... then I realized that I was capable of having children the same way all guys have children. It basically shot a hole through that theory really, really fast. But it was a nice thirty seconds or so.
*sigh* Well... for now I guess that's all the complaining I'm going to be doing on this subject. However, I fear it is one that won't go away while I'm in this class. Which means that I will probably be doing a vast amount of complaining, searching, and self analyzing over the next few months.
You have been warned.
P.S. What do people think of the name Lexi?