Pain
kevin's a big meanie...he said " I think you're going to love me even more as the next few days pass by" and i asked why, and he said "because I'm awesome". Now those aren't normal statements for Kevin to make. So of course i started to think he got me a nice little giftie and then he avoided talking about it and talked about my work. And now he says he's not. That he sent me a gift...but i really don't believe him cuz why would it take 2 hours for him to say that when I told him an hour ago that getting my hopes up that he may have actually been coming down was mean he just apologized and said, he'd been seriously thinking about it but decided he couldn't afford tapping completely out. Which I can understand but I can't get that hope out of my head. HOPE is evil. It makes you think the impossible will happen. Now if he really does come visit I'm gonna have conflicting emotion, i'm gonna wanna kiss him and be so happy of the the surprise and want to kill him cuz of the pain he put me through tonight. He says I should get the gift but now the gift will make me sad cuz then it'll be second best cuz of what he said and got my hopes up that he'd come see me. I wish he didn't say anything. cuz then it would've been a gift out of the blue and made me dance and clap in joyous rapture. But no, it's gonna be a 'sorry' gift. It's gonna feel second rate and I don't want it to. Maybe I'm being a whiny cunt but guess what I miss my boyfriend and I wanna see him, I don't get paid for at least one week if not two. So i can't. I love him and miss him and can't get him out of my head. Right now I just wanna carve my heart out so I don't love him or anyone. Life would be so much simpler without love. We could just breed cuz we needed to/copulate because it's enjoyable recreation and not worry about this pain that makes you wanna die or dance depending, cuz love feels like pain. It always has...hence since I was 17 and first fell in love, I've hated it, with as passion as I feel it, i've hated it too. I hate pain and all love is is pain. But one I can't live without.