State of the Quasi-Asian - Separation Edition
State of the Quasi-Asian
I could go over some of the going-ons in my existence, but there has been a new development that, I believe, trumps just about everything else.
Carolyn and I are Separating
It’s quite possible that some of you had no clue that this might occur. It’s just as possible that some of you have entertained this as a possibility. Either way, the reality of this is inevitable.
It’s been five and a half years since Carolyn and I got together, almost two years since we’ve been married. In the past year, after multiple sessions with a couples counselor, we have found ourselves at a point in which we cannot proceed. Recent events and discussions have prompted Carolyn to decide to separate. More information as to her motives and rationale can be found at her LJ.
A few things to keep in mind:
-This is a trail separation.
-There is no guarantee that we will reunite, and if we do not manage to reconcile, this separation will result in a divorce. Neither of us want this result, but we cannot, in good conscience, ignore the possibility.
-We are presently going to separate one-on-one counselors to help us work out our own particular issues. We will also be reconvening with our couples counselor in the next month to help facilitate what we’re going to do and how we’re going to do it.
-The “fault” or “blame” for the reasons behind this lie with both of us. True, Carolyn has initiated this separation, but we both agree that this is likely for the best. We both have our own bits of baggage to work out.
-We both still love one another very much. This isn’t about love.
-The breakdown between us lies in our ability (or lack thereof) to communicate and our ability to deal with the frustration, anxiety, and more recently mutual anger that has arisen due to individual behaviors.
-I’ll crib from Carolyn here since she’s said it as well if not better than I can:
I would like to ask that no one take sides. There is fault and blame enough between us without a third party trying for unneeded vilification. I also ask that mutual friends handle us with a more care than usual and extend a bit more understanding in this difficult time. I feel safe in speaking for both Rey and I when I say that we are both hurting and very fragile right now.
-I am okay. I’m not good, nor am I fine, but I plan to be. This too, as they say, shall pass.
My present plan involves moving into a spare room with a friend for a presently undetermined amount of time until such a time that Carolyn and I can make a more long-lasting decision. This will not take a short time, but shouldn’t go beyond August. If it takes that long, I’ll find somewhere else to live so as not to abuse Zack’s generosity.
Carolyn will be moving out with her items, the bed, and the cats sometime in the midst of June to an apartment closer to work.
If you have questions, please ask. I still have the rule that straight questions get straight answers, but you’ll be held responsible for both the question you ask and the answer you get. We’d rather not have the rumormill going into overdrive at this point. Both she and I have our own particular views on the matter with the unavoidable natural biases. In advance, I would urge anyone who garners an answer from me to also poll Carolyn for her side of the question. There won’t be any mudslinging on either side, though I believe we both reserve the right to vent.
We are both making our announcements of this at roughly the same time. If you believe anyone would be interested, please feel free to mention it, but please keep the above points in mind.
Comments are screened and will likely stay that way. I may or may not respond to comments, if there is something you would like me to to respond to please let me know and I shall try and do so.
In Sorrow,
-R
Addendum: We both realize that we are both going to be attending BayCon, a function where many of our shared social circles will be present. Please note that hugs, expressions of comfort, and sympathies are appreciated. I believe it’s safe to say that we could both use them. This is not to say that we are welcoming advances. Much the opposite; I sincerely doubt that either of us would take well to that, given our current status. However, I for one am a relatively tactile person fond of giving massages to those who ask for it for those I believe could use one. This has never been, and likely will never be, a sexual or sensual advance; I simply believe this life is to short to walk around with knots you don’t need to have.
If I feel the need to talk about it, please let me initiate the conversation. If I balk or tell you that I’m not ready to talk about that, please respect that. It will all come out in time, but this is a problem between Carolyn and I.
If you have questions, either at BayCon or elsewhere, please understand that I’m feeling a touch broken here. I may not be my normal cheerful self. I’ll try to keep the angst-factor down, but if I put you off, please allow me to apologize in advance.
This weekend isn’t about our problems. It’s about being in a good space with good people. Let’s keep the focus there, shall we?
-R
I could go over some of the going-ons in my existence, but there has been a new development that, I believe, trumps just about everything else.
Carolyn and I are Separating
It’s quite possible that some of you had no clue that this might occur. It’s just as possible that some of you have entertained this as a possibility. Either way, the reality of this is inevitable.
It’s been five and a half years since Carolyn and I got together, almost two years since we’ve been married. In the past year, after multiple sessions with a couples counselor, we have found ourselves at a point in which we cannot proceed. Recent events and discussions have prompted Carolyn to decide to separate. More information as to her motives and rationale can be found at her LJ.
A few things to keep in mind:
-This is a trail separation.
-There is no guarantee that we will reunite, and if we do not manage to reconcile, this separation will result in a divorce. Neither of us want this result, but we cannot, in good conscience, ignore the possibility.
-We are presently going to separate one-on-one counselors to help us work out our own particular issues. We will also be reconvening with our couples counselor in the next month to help facilitate what we’re going to do and how we’re going to do it.
-The “fault” or “blame” for the reasons behind this lie with both of us. True, Carolyn has initiated this separation, but we both agree that this is likely for the best. We both have our own bits of baggage to work out.
-We both still love one another very much. This isn’t about love.
-The breakdown between us lies in our ability (or lack thereof) to communicate and our ability to deal with the frustration, anxiety, and more recently mutual anger that has arisen due to individual behaviors.
-I’ll crib from Carolyn here since she’s said it as well if not better than I can:
I would like to ask that no one take sides. There is fault and blame enough between us without a third party trying for unneeded vilification. I also ask that mutual friends handle us with a more care than usual and extend a bit more understanding in this difficult time. I feel safe in speaking for both Rey and I when I say that we are both hurting and very fragile right now.
-I am okay. I’m not good, nor am I fine, but I plan to be. This too, as they say, shall pass.
My present plan involves moving into a spare room with a friend for a presently undetermined amount of time until such a time that Carolyn and I can make a more long-lasting decision. This will not take a short time, but shouldn’t go beyond August. If it takes that long, I’ll find somewhere else to live so as not to abuse Zack’s generosity.
Carolyn will be moving out with her items, the bed, and the cats sometime in the midst of June to an apartment closer to work.
If you have questions, please ask. I still have the rule that straight questions get straight answers, but you’ll be held responsible for both the question you ask and the answer you get. We’d rather not have the rumormill going into overdrive at this point. Both she and I have our own particular views on the matter with the unavoidable natural biases. In advance, I would urge anyone who garners an answer from me to also poll Carolyn for her side of the question. There won’t be any mudslinging on either side, though I believe we both reserve the right to vent.
We are both making our announcements of this at roughly the same time. If you believe anyone would be interested, please feel free to mention it, but please keep the above points in mind.
Comments are screened and will likely stay that way. I may or may not respond to comments, if there is something you would like me to to respond to please let me know and I shall try and do so.
In Sorrow,
-R
Addendum: We both realize that we are both going to be attending BayCon, a function where many of our shared social circles will be present. Please note that hugs, expressions of comfort, and sympathies are appreciated. I believe it’s safe to say that we could both use them. This is not to say that we are welcoming advances. Much the opposite; I sincerely doubt that either of us would take well to that, given our current status. However, I for one am a relatively tactile person fond of giving massages to those who ask for it for those I believe could use one. This has never been, and likely will never be, a sexual or sensual advance; I simply believe this life is to short to walk around with knots you don’t need to have.
If I feel the need to talk about it, please let me initiate the conversation. If I balk or tell you that I’m not ready to talk about that, please respect that. It will all come out in time, but this is a problem between Carolyn and I.
If you have questions, either at BayCon or elsewhere, please understand that I’m feeling a touch broken here. I may not be my normal cheerful self. I’ll try to keep the angst-factor down, but if I put you off, please allow me to apologize in advance.
This weekend isn’t about our problems. It’s about being in a good space with good people. Let’s keep the focus there, shall we?
-R