Facebook thing
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
(Some of these are actually copied from my livejournal, from a post I made a few weeks ago. So...I cheated.)
-- Recently, we had our first fight in years. For a week I faced the possibility of a life without your constant enduring friendship, and my whole world shook on its foundations. I love you more than I could possibly express in mere words. I love you like a song, with swelling crescendos and notes that vibrate at such deep levels that they are light made darkness. I want this song to never end. I hope that we can continue to grow together even as our opinions continue to differ, for they must, love, in order for each of us to be healthy and happy.
--I am not always sure what you think of me. We have been friends for so long (on and off), and sometimes I think I get you, but other times I am worried I annoy you, or that you secretly don't really like me. It wouldn't be worth mentioning, except that I am *always* worried about it because I see and hear from you so rarely.. For my part, I adore you. Other than the worry, your presence makes me absurdly happy, as it does all those you come in contact with. I only hope I return some of that.
--You are so new to me, but I feel as though I love you far too much to have known you the shortest of my friends. You are a very special person, very dear to my heart, and I find you one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. Every moment spent with you (few and far between though they are these days) is one of pleasure and an almost giddy feeling. You, to be plain, make me *happy*. I only wish that I knew more of the darkness that I sense lurks in your past and, like a Mind Healer, could take some of it away. I feel that you are too bright, too beautiful, to let that kind of pain stain you. And yet... I find pain to be a powerful and beautiful thing, and yours, even in glimpses, only makes your radiance that much brighter. ...Forgive me. I have gone on too long and far. This is why these are written here, anonymously, rather than ever spoken aloud.
--First, let me say that I miss you, my tiny lovely friend. You were the highlight of an already bright class, and were certainly the best lunch date i ever had all those days at the picnic tables. You understand fanfiction, yaoi, japanese, eccentricity, Harry Potter, writing, and the importance of talking rabbits. You get parts of me that no one else does. I love you very much, and all your quirks and habits only enforce that feeling. You are one of my favorite people, and one that I honestly want to spend days with just catching up. Our lives are busy, but know that I will always be here for me. God forbid you need them, but my shoulder and arms are waiting just in case.
--I am struck, at times, by a staggering surge of melancholy nostalgia, and it hurts, because I am well aware that you are not at all affected by such feelings. The rest of the time, when I think of you, it is with pain and, yes, sometimes there is anger there. What once was haunts me with doubts and worries. And yet, there is a brightness in the dark depression, for, the majority of the time, I do not think of you at all. I only wish for that portion to grow. I am ready to be rid of unrequited emotions, and ready for you to stop pretending things you do not, will not, have never felt. it hurts more that you are not honest with me. We could be shallow friends, perhaps, but not with all this unspoken pain.
--I think I am mostly in love with you sometimes, and then suddenly I am overcome by the urge to strangle you. I am pretty sure the two extremes are perfectly indicative of our relationship, as strange as parts of it still are. Nevertheless, you are one of my most beloved friends, and I cherish you. I certainly wish you cherished me a bit more... but I ask nothing more of you than you are already willing to give. I want you to be happy. I only wish I could show you the way to happiness... but your path is certainly not for me to illuminate when you are so determined to go it in the dark.
--You... our past is strage and broken. I vary between love and hate... no, too strong. I vary between affection and irritation. Ah. There we go. You and I have a relationship based on gain, and we are both aware of it. You do nice things for me because you expect me to return the favor, which I often do. I put up with your assery because I like gifts. It's a materialistic and shallow relationship at its surface, but there is a kind of love there. I number you among my friends, which is a very select group. That says something. You can often make me smile. That's a perk. But, dearheart, I only wish you wouldn't try so hard. You don't have to be the loudest, the funniest, or the birghtest. Just be you. My affection for you stems from the moments where you just... are.
--I have known you since you were much younger, and have watched you grow into who you are now... and you fill me with pride. Truly, I love you like family, even though our blood is not our bond. You also make me happy. You are deeper than I could have hoped you would be, and you are intelligent, kind, caring, funny, dorky, and honest, which are all facets of you that I only wish I could show you a bit clearer. I often find myself wishing you could see yourself through my eyes so that the ridiculously low opinion you have of yourself could be banished forever. You are my favorite sister.
--I miss you, and, yet, I am so used to the feeling that it is a part of my affection by this time. You have changed far more than I had thought you might, and, though I feel bitchy saying it, not all of the changed are ones I can follow or admire much. But you are still my friend, love, still my Chosen, and that will never change. The core of you is the same one I grew to love so long ago. Growing apart in opinion, as another friend showed me recently, does not have to mean growing apart in affection. Come home safely.
--Have we really only known one another for a handful of years? Surely my reckoning is off. The affection I have for you is too strong for that. Surely it has been a decade or more. You made a dark place much brighter, chased dull shadows with the bright bells of laughter. You are best memories I have of the better part of three years. Ours was a friendship of games, giggles, music, and, rarely, pain. I know a dark part of you, a wounded slice of your sould, I hold it precious in my heart. It makes you something more than just a friend. You are a part of my family even if time has rendered us a necessarily more distant part. And, though it may sound condescending, I am proud of you.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
-My favorite game is Dragon Age: Origins. Yes, that one was the first on the list.
-I used to have to shower standing on a washcloth due to fear of the shower bottom. I thought this was normal. I did it until college.
-I love things passionately and completely, but my love moves often and in cycles. I fangirl, in other words. I consider this normal as well.
-I am tempted every day to just run away and leave everything behind so I can stop worrying. I am only held back by one or two friends that I feel would take it amiss.
-I love to write stories, but absolutely hate people reading them. There are about three people who are exception to this rule.
-If I could have any talent, it would be art. I want to be able to draw with a longing that has followed me since I was six.
-If I could, I would hibernate through the winter. It is my favorite time of year for weather, but I am constantly depressed.
-I am materialistic and okay with that. Getting new things makes me happy. If those things are books or vidja games, I am usually ecstatic.
-I want to be Ravenclaw, but there's a good chance I'd be a Hufflepuff. This thought keeps me up at night.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. (I'ma take this as either romantic or platonic. ^^;)
-Tell me you love me. I like to hear it without having to say it first.
-Spend time with me. Nothing makes me happier than time with friends.
-As noted above, I am materialistic. you could always buy me a book or something. But beware: your choice of book is going to say a lot. choose carefully. :p
-Touch. I don't touch a lot. I don't know why. It just doesn't happen. So when someone does touch me, it's something I take note of, and usually enjoy. Unless I don't know you... then it's unsettling at best.
-Interests. Share them with me. Do you like video games? Books? Fantasy? RPGs? I do. Let's talk about it. I could do this for hours.
-Srstalk: This one really doesn't work with a lot of people. I like to think about new things. Let's discuss religion, spirituality, philosophy, and almost anything else. Just know that I am bad at articulating thoughts aloud without sufficient preparation. I'm better at writing. Also, be aware that if I do not find your topic interesting, I reserve the right to fall asleep. ^_^
-Talent. It doesn't even matter what kind. Are you god at something? That's hot. Whether it's dancing, singing, drawing, or weaving stories, I find talent to be an amazingly attractive thing to have.
-Humor. Life can be Hell. Can you laugh your way out? Because if you can, and if you can keep up with my group's humor, I am bound to love you.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
-Where the hell is my Ravenclaw gear (seriously at least five times a day...).
-I need to *insert responsibility here*.
-Money. I wish I had more so I wouldn't have to worry about it so much.
-I could be playing WoW/Dragon Age right now.
-I miss *insert friend here*.
- If Evea is about balance of the light and dark does that mean she's twice as powerful because for every noon and midnight there is both a dawn and twilight.../ If Avariel is Evea's Chosen and Evea is over control and Gigi is over free will, does that mean that Avariel will be completely.... / *blahblahblahstorymusingsblahblah*
-Oh God where's my phon- oh. There it is. *relief*
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
-Kissed him.
-Fallen in love.
-Given that speech.
-Told her.
-Lied about all the trouble I'm in.
-Ignored his calls.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
-Jenny, Jonvon, Sarah, Connor, Kristin
(Also so so many more. A separate list: Nelle, Jeb, Adi, Josh, Jessichan... the list gets stupidly long if I go on.)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
-Smoking
-Narrow minds
-Lack of humor
-Ego
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
-Nerdiness
-Humor
-Glasses
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
New moon on snow - I feel like I am at a low point, my nadir, a dark place, much like the season. I am praying that I come back out of it soon. I don't know how much I can take. I feel cold, frozen. I can't cry. I just lie wait for Spring.
Mask - I wear so many. Sometimes it gets hard to keep up with them, hard to remember who can't know I'm sad, who I only show the smile, who I can talk to about what things... I get tired of constantly thinking of which part of my story this person knows about, which facet they prefer to see, what secrets they are privy to. It's exhausting.
Day Ten: One confession.
I'm pretty sure I really need to be back in therapy before I do something stupid, but I don't even care enough anymore to try.