Cause I can't talk in an odd tense anymore
Hello everyone.
I've had an odd, confusing today.
When I woke up this morning, I just felt like crawling back under the covers. Not surfacing ever again. I felt like screaming that I didn't want to face the world. I'd stayed up all night just thinking. I do that sometimes. When I have too much on my brain. I can't sleep. I think. Geuss who was the main topic in my head? You got it - David. (The mysterious person called "You" in my last enteries.) I thought about Michaela a bit, too.
Why did I think of Michaela? I'm a bit angry with her. You see, she was trading phone calls about me with David. Doing her "best friend" duty, lol, and trying to hook us up. But, she lied a bit. She told David that I didn't know if he wanted to get with me to be with me, or for sex. That I was sceptical. Not true. She even admitted to me that she knows it wasn't true, but she wanted to make sure that he didn't just want me for that. I know he would never do that to me.
I was a bit angry about that.
Well, as I was saying, I didn't want to get out of the bed today. But, I made myself. I made myself happy and hyper this morning. I felt like I needed to. John, (a boy who's crushing on me and sits by me in the Gym in the mornings and tickles me the entire time, but I'm not interested in..) kept tickling me. I wanted to yell at him. But I didn't. It was weird. As if I didn't want him to touch me - not even on the arm. Like...I'm not sure, but it felt odd and wrong. It hasn't been like that before. I don't know what's going on there.
The rest of the day went by slowly. I slept in the classes we didn't do anything in, I did my work when I was told to, and I wrote notes & read when I wasn't doing that. It was like I was on manual. I wasn't controlling my body. Something else was.
At lunch, I spilled everything to my friend Nicolette. She's not really the type to be sympathetic, or to even be like "Aww, I'm sorry." but I still felt like I needed to talk to her about it. I couldn't leave her out of the loop. And, it was also like I just needed to tell someone. Michaela knows, yes, but she's too busy telling me what I should do and saying "Oh Davids right, you're being an idiot.." blah,blah. (And, no, I don't blame him in this situation, but still it's not a very bestfriend-y thing of her to do.) Brad knows. I've given him the link to this blog. He's not the kind of person who likes to talk about emotions of any sort. I felt like I needed to tell Nicolette, because I knew she wouldn't take sides because she honestly wasn't that interested in it. She listened. She said guys are confusing. And it helped.
I'm angry at Michaela for another reason. When she was telling me about David maybe getting back with his ex, she wouldn't spit it out. She just kept saying she agreed with his decision, and then she said she knew me, and not to do anything crazy or stupid. Wtf?? What am I supposed to do? Did she think I would yell and scream? No, she knew I wouldn't do that. That isn't me. Did she think I'll stop talking to David? No, she knows I wouldn't do that. Did she think I'll get all depressed? I'm not sure. I hope she didn't think that.
Many people don't know that I used to have a problem with depression. A few years ago, I went into a deep depression and it took a lot to pull me out. It was the rather cliche kind. Not wanting to eat, wanting to dress in dark colors, just wanting to sleep and never wake again, etc. etc.
I hope she didn't think that. I will never go down that road again, and that isn't a promise - it's a fact.
When I got home today I was looking forward to seeing David. He promised my brother free guitar lessons on Thursdays, and I was supposed to come with. I was so looking forward to seeing him, and talking to him a bit, and maybe just - getting a confirmation that nothing has changed between us.
Unfortunately, my brother lied to his mother. And then told her he lied, like, thirty minutes later. Stupid, right? She canceled the practice. I was sad. And pissed.
I won't get to see David until the 26th - we're going to see Saw Five with a bunch of other people. It better not be weird. I don't think I could handle it.
My bus driver warned me away from David today. (His daughter used to date one of David's friends) He said that David & his friend's liked to play "games" but I don't know what he meant. He also said that they liked to "party" and they partied hard. I know he was looking out for me, but it angered me that his daughter had found out about me hanging out with David&them and told her dad and he warned me. I know my friends. I like them. I just nodded.
David asked me for the link to this blog again today. Apparently, he'd lost it. I'm not sure, how to feel about that. I'm happy that he seems to want to know what's going on with me. Everyone on here has heard how much I like him, and then the whole ex drama. You don't actually know what he's like.
He makes jokes about everything. He goes up to random strangers in the store to talk to them - especially if they're looking at us like we're weird. He's really polite when he doesn't know you - he'll shake your hand, and so on. He curses like a sailor - but it's not annoying in the way some people are when they try hard to sound bad and curse, because I know he's not doing that. He's a chocolate freak. He always has an opinion about everything and he has to say it. He's terrified of heights and spiders - walking over bridges freaks him out, and so does talking about spiders. That fake wood that they use to make spoons and utinsels to cook with freaks him out. He tells people to shutup a lot. He plays the guitar constantly. He can turn any comment sexual. He has more peircings and tattoos than anyone else I know. David's amazing.
I sound like a stalker. I am aware. I hate that. The freaky chicks that follow guys around annoy the hell out of me. I hope he doesn't think I'm doing that. A lot of guys would think that - but face it, this is a window into a girl's brain. We're like this, no matter what we act like on the outside - but this is our inner core.
We fall hard. We get in too deep. We promise not to let someone break us, but we give them the power to anyway. We think about them constantly. We doodle their names. We tell our girlfriends about them. We think about them when we can't sleep. We don't tell them this because we don't want to scare them away.
But I missed the last one, didn't I?
I've had an odd, confusing today.
When I woke up this morning, I just felt like crawling back under the covers. Not surfacing ever again. I felt like screaming that I didn't want to face the world. I'd stayed up all night just thinking. I do that sometimes. When I have too much on my brain. I can't sleep. I think. Geuss who was the main topic in my head? You got it - David. (The mysterious person called "You" in my last enteries.) I thought about Michaela a bit, too.
Why did I think of Michaela? I'm a bit angry with her. You see, she was trading phone calls about me with David. Doing her "best friend" duty, lol, and trying to hook us up. But, she lied a bit. She told David that I didn't know if he wanted to get with me to be with me, or for sex. That I was sceptical. Not true. She even admitted to me that she knows it wasn't true, but she wanted to make sure that he didn't just want me for that. I know he would never do that to me.
I was a bit angry about that.
Well, as I was saying, I didn't want to get out of the bed today. But, I made myself. I made myself happy and hyper this morning. I felt like I needed to. John, (a boy who's crushing on me and sits by me in the Gym in the mornings and tickles me the entire time, but I'm not interested in..) kept tickling me. I wanted to yell at him. But I didn't. It was weird. As if I didn't want him to touch me - not even on the arm. Like...I'm not sure, but it felt odd and wrong. It hasn't been like that before. I don't know what's going on there.
The rest of the day went by slowly. I slept in the classes we didn't do anything in, I did my work when I was told to, and I wrote notes & read when I wasn't doing that. It was like I was on manual. I wasn't controlling my body. Something else was.
At lunch, I spilled everything to my friend Nicolette. She's not really the type to be sympathetic, or to even be like "Aww, I'm sorry." but I still felt like I needed to talk to her about it. I couldn't leave her out of the loop. And, it was also like I just needed to tell someone. Michaela knows, yes, but she's too busy telling me what I should do and saying "Oh Davids right, you're being an idiot.." blah,blah. (And, no, I don't blame him in this situation, but still it's not a very bestfriend-y thing of her to do.) Brad knows. I've given him the link to this blog. He's not the kind of person who likes to talk about emotions of any sort. I felt like I needed to tell Nicolette, because I knew she wouldn't take sides because she honestly wasn't that interested in it. She listened. She said guys are confusing. And it helped.
I'm angry at Michaela for another reason. When she was telling me about David maybe getting back with his ex, she wouldn't spit it out. She just kept saying she agreed with his decision, and then she said she knew me, and not to do anything crazy or stupid. Wtf?? What am I supposed to do? Did she think I would yell and scream? No, she knew I wouldn't do that. That isn't me. Did she think I'll stop talking to David? No, she knows I wouldn't do that. Did she think I'll get all depressed? I'm not sure. I hope she didn't think that.
Many people don't know that I used to have a problem with depression. A few years ago, I went into a deep depression and it took a lot to pull me out. It was the rather cliche kind. Not wanting to eat, wanting to dress in dark colors, just wanting to sleep and never wake again, etc. etc.
I hope she didn't think that. I will never go down that road again, and that isn't a promise - it's a fact.
When I got home today I was looking forward to seeing David. He promised my brother free guitar lessons on Thursdays, and I was supposed to come with. I was so looking forward to seeing him, and talking to him a bit, and maybe just - getting a confirmation that nothing has changed between us.
Unfortunately, my brother lied to his mother. And then told her he lied, like, thirty minutes later. Stupid, right? She canceled the practice. I was sad. And pissed.
I won't get to see David until the 26th - we're going to see Saw Five with a bunch of other people. It better not be weird. I don't think I could handle it.
My bus driver warned me away from David today. (His daughter used to date one of David's friends) He said that David & his friend's liked to play "games" but I don't know what he meant. He also said that they liked to "party" and they partied hard. I know he was looking out for me, but it angered me that his daughter had found out about me hanging out with David&them and told her dad and he warned me. I know my friends. I like them. I just nodded.
David asked me for the link to this blog again today. Apparently, he'd lost it. I'm not sure, how to feel about that. I'm happy that he seems to want to know what's going on with me. Everyone on here has heard how much I like him, and then the whole ex drama. You don't actually know what he's like.
He makes jokes about everything. He goes up to random strangers in the store to talk to them - especially if they're looking at us like we're weird. He's really polite when he doesn't know you - he'll shake your hand, and so on. He curses like a sailor - but it's not annoying in the way some people are when they try hard to sound bad and curse, because I know he's not doing that. He's a chocolate freak. He always has an opinion about everything and he has to say it. He's terrified of heights and spiders - walking over bridges freaks him out, and so does talking about spiders. That fake wood that they use to make spoons and utinsels to cook with freaks him out. He tells people to shutup a lot. He plays the guitar constantly. He can turn any comment sexual. He has more peircings and tattoos than anyone else I know. David's amazing.
I sound like a stalker. I am aware. I hate that. The freaky chicks that follow guys around annoy the hell out of me. I hope he doesn't think I'm doing that. A lot of guys would think that - but face it, this is a window into a girl's brain. We're like this, no matter what we act like on the outside - but this is our inner core.
We fall hard. We get in too deep. We promise not to let someone break us, but we give them the power to anyway. We think about them constantly. We doodle their names. We tell our girlfriends about them. We think about them when we can't sleep. We don't tell them this because we don't want to scare them away.
But I missed the last one, didn't I?