Adventures in Online Dating, Episode 1: The Lulz Begins
You wouldn't believe how many times people have suggested I try online dating. Well, if you're a single woman over the age of 22, then yeah, you probably actually would believe it, because the entire world thinks it's a travesty if you're not hitched to a man and spawning by the time you're in your mid-20s. Over the years I've gone from "NO WAY" to "Well, maybe in the future" to "I really should try this" to, finally, "Fuck it, sure." My sister met her (current) husband online. My mom is dating a man she met online. I have at least a dozen friends who found their partners this way. What's the big deal?
The big deal is, it's really hard to put your face and perfectly culled life story out there for strangers to judge. Really hard. But I digress. After years of meeting my dates through work or friends -- with moderate to limited success -- I gave in and made a Match.com profile. I signed up for three months, because although it kept saying I was "saving 20% over the monthly price" by buying in bulk, I literally could not figure out how to buy just one month at a time. Oh, well.
So I went with this picture for my profile pic, because it's a very recent photo and for once I was having a good hair day, which is such an unusual occurrence that everyone at work actually commented on it.
I threw in a few other photos. One of me kickboxing, one of me holding the 2012 UK Men's Basketball NCAA Tourney championship trophy (the real thing), me in a sparkly CATS shirt, me on the TRX, me in Vegas wearing a shirt that says FABULOUS. Basically, "I LIKE UK BASKETBALL, FITNESS, AND LULZ" in photo form.
Despite the fact that I do a lot of writing for a living, I was a bit at a loss regarding what to put for the bio. It's hard to encapsulate everything you stand for in approximately 250 words. I went with this:
I enjoy a lot of introverted activities (reading, writing, watching movies) but have an extroverted streak (teaching fitness, karaoke). I am most fulfilled by creative endeavors. I like to laugh. A LOT. I try not to take things in life too seriously and look for others who do the same. I am into a lot of geeky things and am more comfortable discussing the social philosophies behind the X-Men than I am talking about kids or romantic comedies. Fitness is a huge part of my life & I'm looking for someone who can respect that, or better yet, join in on the fun. Lastly, while I have a deep appreciation for sarcasm and a little biting humor, I also look for honesty, respect, and patience from a friend or partner.
And for my "headline," I wrote 'Girl geek, restless writer & fitness fanatic. Do u even lift, bro?' because I figured if anyone 'got' that, it would be an instant signal that they are a fellow nerd.
I activated my account Monday night, at approximately 11:30 p.m. (it took me well over an hour to complete the profile and process). I got an email saying, "Thanks, someone will review and post your profile in 24 hours or less" -- I guess because some people just want to post dick pics or something and they need that level of censorship to keep the dating pool at least a little classy. So I went to bed.
When I got up the next morning, I checked my email first thing, as usual. And my Gmail had exploded. My profile had gone live overnight, and I had 30+ notifications already.
Match is sort of like Facebook on crack. I had notifications that people 'liked' various photos. That people 'liked' my profile. That I had been 'added to favorites.' That 'so and so is interested in you.' That I 'Caught his attention at 6/10, 7:34 a.m.!' I received several 'winks.' And I also received a few actual emails.
Needless to say, it was overwhelming. As I told my coworkers later, it was like I was a slab of raw steak that had been thrown out to the wolves.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean this to sound like I'm bragging, because I definitely don't think it's because I'm sooooo hot or attractive. (I shudder to think at how much attention the truly 'hot' girls out there must get when trying these services). I'm a new profile, and I would have popped up as a new person to all these guys looking for women in my age range. And I'm sure many of these guys use the 'spray and pray' method of messaging/winking/liking every single girl who looks like she even remotely has potential.
"I bet that was a huge ego boost, though!" said my friend Sarah when I was describing the first day.
No, not really, I told her. Especially not when half the messages were generic throwaways like "HAY GIRL, SUP?" and a majority of the men were above the age range I'd specified (look, I know that love knows not the bounds of time or whatever, but I have my limits here). Trying to parse through the notifications took a good hour. You gotta read what it says, go to their profile, read through their life story & personality quirks, and then decide if you're also interested. It feels kind of cruel to look through a profile and then click the big X at the top. Like, who am I to judge if you're a genuinely interesting person based on a short quiz and a single paragraph?
Oh, wait, you spelled six words wrong in your single paragraph? Okay, nevermind. I'm judging. NOPE.
So I cleared my feed Tuesday night, approving some guys, answering a few messages. Wednesday morning, I got to do it all over again. More new guys. More notifications. More fucking winks, what does that even mean?! Just say something, for God's sake, do you have something stuck in your eye? I'm already starting to get confused about who I've talked to, and about what. This cannot end well. My friend Jessica, who met her boyfriend on Match several years ago, said she kept a master sheet of usernames, full names, and topics discussed in emails and chats to keep herself straight. I might have to go that route if I don't want this to become a total clusterfuck.
Bottom line? This shit is work. Why can't I just adorkably stumble into some guy, dropping all my mail and squeeing about how clumsy I am while the guys picks up my stuff, like in the movies? That would save me a lot of hassle.
NEXT TIME: The best lines of the week.
The big deal is, it's really hard to put your face and perfectly culled life story out there for strangers to judge. Really hard. But I digress. After years of meeting my dates through work or friends -- with moderate to limited success -- I gave in and made a Match.com profile. I signed up for three months, because although it kept saying I was "saving 20% over the monthly price" by buying in bulk, I literally could not figure out how to buy just one month at a time. Oh, well.
So I went with this picture for my profile pic, because it's a very recent photo and for once I was having a good hair day, which is such an unusual occurrence that everyone at work actually commented on it.
I threw in a few other photos. One of me kickboxing, one of me holding the 2012 UK Men's Basketball NCAA Tourney championship trophy (the real thing), me in a sparkly CATS shirt, me on the TRX, me in Vegas wearing a shirt that says FABULOUS. Basically, "I LIKE UK BASKETBALL, FITNESS, AND LULZ" in photo form.
Despite the fact that I do a lot of writing for a living, I was a bit at a loss regarding what to put for the bio. It's hard to encapsulate everything you stand for in approximately 250 words. I went with this:
I enjoy a lot of introverted activities (reading, writing, watching movies) but have an extroverted streak (teaching fitness, karaoke). I am most fulfilled by creative endeavors. I like to laugh. A LOT. I try not to take things in life too seriously and look for others who do the same. I am into a lot of geeky things and am more comfortable discussing the social philosophies behind the X-Men than I am talking about kids or romantic comedies. Fitness is a huge part of my life & I'm looking for someone who can respect that, or better yet, join in on the fun. Lastly, while I have a deep appreciation for sarcasm and a little biting humor, I also look for honesty, respect, and patience from a friend or partner.
And for my "headline," I wrote 'Girl geek, restless writer & fitness fanatic. Do u even lift, bro?' because I figured if anyone 'got' that, it would be an instant signal that they are a fellow nerd.
I activated my account Monday night, at approximately 11:30 p.m. (it took me well over an hour to complete the profile and process). I got an email saying, "Thanks, someone will review and post your profile in 24 hours or less" -- I guess because some people just want to post dick pics or something and they need that level of censorship to keep the dating pool at least a little classy. So I went to bed.
When I got up the next morning, I checked my email first thing, as usual. And my Gmail had exploded. My profile had gone live overnight, and I had 30+ notifications already.
Match is sort of like Facebook on crack. I had notifications that people 'liked' various photos. That people 'liked' my profile. That I had been 'added to favorites.' That 'so and so is interested in you.' That I 'Caught his attention at 6/10, 7:34 a.m.!' I received several 'winks.' And I also received a few actual emails.
Needless to say, it was overwhelming. As I told my coworkers later, it was like I was a slab of raw steak that had been thrown out to the wolves.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean this to sound like I'm bragging, because I definitely don't think it's because I'm sooooo hot or attractive. (I shudder to think at how much attention the truly 'hot' girls out there must get when trying these services). I'm a new profile, and I would have popped up as a new person to all these guys looking for women in my age range. And I'm sure many of these guys use the 'spray and pray' method of messaging/winking/liking every single girl who looks like she even remotely has potential.
"I bet that was a huge ego boost, though!" said my friend Sarah when I was describing the first day.
No, not really, I told her. Especially not when half the messages were generic throwaways like "HAY GIRL, SUP?" and a majority of the men were above the age range I'd specified (look, I know that love knows not the bounds of time or whatever, but I have my limits here). Trying to parse through the notifications took a good hour. You gotta read what it says, go to their profile, read through their life story & personality quirks, and then decide if you're also interested. It feels kind of cruel to look through a profile and then click the big X at the top. Like, who am I to judge if you're a genuinely interesting person based on a short quiz and a single paragraph?
Oh, wait, you spelled six words wrong in your single paragraph? Okay, nevermind. I'm judging. NOPE.
So I cleared my feed Tuesday night, approving some guys, answering a few messages. Wednesday morning, I got to do it all over again. More new guys. More notifications. More fucking winks, what does that even mean?! Just say something, for God's sake, do you have something stuck in your eye? I'm already starting to get confused about who I've talked to, and about what. This cannot end well. My friend Jessica, who met her boyfriend on Match several years ago, said she kept a master sheet of usernames, full names, and topics discussed in emails and chats to keep herself straight. I might have to go that route if I don't want this to become a total clusterfuck.
Bottom line? This shit is work. Why can't I just adorkably stumble into some guy, dropping all my mail and squeeing about how clumsy I am while the guys picks up my stuff, like in the movies? That would save me a lot of hassle.
NEXT TIME: The best lines of the week.