tonight is one of those nights
i've returned home after being away for 10 days. being away that long is rough. staying away in a hotel room for 6 nights is rough. unless you're in paris. then no number of days in a hotel are ever enough. but anywhere else...6 days is too long. my cats are grateful that i'm home, and i'm grateful to have them here, loving me. unconditionally. i'm able to see that i was missed, and it makes my heart happy.
i was supposed to be off work tomorrow to make up for the fact that i had class yesterday and didn't get home until very late and am running on fumes. but my computer wasn't working very well remotely, so all of the work i was supposed to do last week, i now have to go in tomorrow to do. it's a colossal bummer. and of course i can't sleep, so getting up in the morning will be a miserable experience.
i spent the afternoon painting and watching episodes of the tudors. i hate everything i painted. i see things in my mind, and i know what i want to accomplish, but the end result is not what i hoped for. not what i saw in my mind. and i wonder, what am i going to do with all these canvases anyway. once i've painted them? throw them out? nothing is working out. i will give it another go later this week. i'll paint over them in white or black and start over if i have to. that is how it is, i guess. you make 30 things and maybe 1 thing doesn't turn out to be crap.
my chest is aching. i'm ready to give my heart away. i'm ready to be loved again. love like crazy. i'm ready for that amazing thing. that thing so perfect there are no words for it. but it eludes me. i feel like i'm chasing a rabbit i'll never catch. a rabbit that runs so fast and dives under a bush or into a hole. a rabbit i'll never catch. i try not to think about it, but it creeps back in from time to time and tonight is one of those times.
i was supposed to be off work tomorrow to make up for the fact that i had class yesterday and didn't get home until very late and am running on fumes. but my computer wasn't working very well remotely, so all of the work i was supposed to do last week, i now have to go in tomorrow to do. it's a colossal bummer. and of course i can't sleep, so getting up in the morning will be a miserable experience.
i spent the afternoon painting and watching episodes of the tudors. i hate everything i painted. i see things in my mind, and i know what i want to accomplish, but the end result is not what i hoped for. not what i saw in my mind. and i wonder, what am i going to do with all these canvases anyway. once i've painted them? throw them out? nothing is working out. i will give it another go later this week. i'll paint over them in white or black and start over if i have to. that is how it is, i guess. you make 30 things and maybe 1 thing doesn't turn out to be crap.
my chest is aching. i'm ready to give my heart away. i'm ready to be loved again. love like crazy. i'm ready for that amazing thing. that thing so perfect there are no words for it. but it eludes me. i feel like i'm chasing a rabbit i'll never catch. a rabbit that runs so fast and dives under a bush or into a hole. a rabbit i'll never catch. i try not to think about it, but it creeps back in from time to time and tonight is one of those times.