Running Up That Hill
This move is the biggest, most complicated, most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I feel a bone-deep desperation to finally build a life of my own, to finally - for the first time in my life - try to be an independent woman, and I’m afraid that I’m going to fail. This move feels like a last chance for me. This year is the tenth anniversary of my cancer year, and although I am not in remission, although I am actually cured, it still just feels like I’m running out of time.
I have to be able to make New Jersey work because I don’t know where else to go.
But when I tell people I’m moving to New Jersey and they say (they always say) “New Jersey?!! Why??” the first thing I say in response is always “Because I have friends there.” and the best part is that it’s true. I am so grateful that this is true.
There are so many details that need to be taken care of if I am to accomplish this move on time, and on many days - like today - my confidence is undermined and tattered. I just don’t know if I can do it. The fears run on a loop through my head: what if I don’t have what it takes, what if I’m not strong enough or clever enough, what if I’m not good enough, what if I don’t deserve it, what if it’s just a pipe dream?
But I’m tired of asking for help for every little thing, and I’m tired of riding Greyhound just to see a show with my friends, and I’m tired of small towns, and hiding behind fake smiles. I'm tired of not being good enough.
I want a life of my own. Self-defined. With friends who like me for myself - my own weird self.
So I’m gonna do this.
Even if it takes me forever.
I have to be able to make New Jersey work because I don’t know where else to go.
But when I tell people I’m moving to New Jersey and they say (they always say) “New Jersey?!! Why??” the first thing I say in response is always “Because I have friends there.” and the best part is that it’s true. I am so grateful that this is true.
There are so many details that need to be taken care of if I am to accomplish this move on time, and on many days - like today - my confidence is undermined and tattered. I just don’t know if I can do it. The fears run on a loop through my head: what if I don’t have what it takes, what if I’m not strong enough or clever enough, what if I’m not good enough, what if I don’t deserve it, what if it’s just a pipe dream?
But I’m tired of asking for help for every little thing, and I’m tired of riding Greyhound just to see a show with my friends, and I’m tired of small towns, and hiding behind fake smiles. I'm tired of not being good enough.
I want a life of my own. Self-defined. With friends who like me for myself - my own weird self.
So I’m gonna do this.
Even if it takes me forever.