Maybe I just need a team of sled dogs.
Last night I indulged in what is both a hopeful exercise and a discouraging one: I looked at north New Jersey apartment listings on Craigslist.
I don't do that very often; I know I'm not nearly close enough with my savings to be able to do so as actual research, but every once in a while I feel the need to take a peek at the possibilities of the future I am working toward. I don't click on anything outside of my price range, but even so, I usually find a place or two that appeal to me (and a few that make me cringe -- wall-to-wall rose carpeting? EEK!)
Last night, however, it ended up more on the discouraging side. I looked at those places and wondered if I'll ever be able to save up enough for even a deposit. Wondered if I'm not just a stupid, foolish woman for still having the dream of living in the NYC area -- I'm not an art student anymore, shouldn't I have given that fantasy up long ago? Wondered that if I'm not meant to live there, then where? Anywhere?
Sometimes everything feels so out of reach.
And then it snows overnight and once again, I'm unable to get to work. I wasn't scheduled for a long shift today, it's true, but those are hours I am not going to get paid for now, income that I've lost, a setback that leaves me a few more dollars further away from those apartments than I was last night. They might as well be renting studio space on the moon.
I think today I need to do something creative. I think I need to pull out an old story and polish it up, or flesh out a portion of an outline that has been sitting skeletal for awhile. Or even draw (how revolutionary).
I mean, yes, I'll be playing Zelda, too. But I think I have to do something to reassure myself that the future I yearn for isn't lost, that the self I keep trying to give birth to is still a possibility, and not a pipedream.
That I'm not going to give up, even though I haven't got a clue how to get there from here.
I don't do that very often; I know I'm not nearly close enough with my savings to be able to do so as actual research, but every once in a while I feel the need to take a peek at the possibilities of the future I am working toward. I don't click on anything outside of my price range, but even so, I usually find a place or two that appeal to me (and a few that make me cringe -- wall-to-wall rose carpeting? EEK!)
Last night, however, it ended up more on the discouraging side. I looked at those places and wondered if I'll ever be able to save up enough for even a deposit. Wondered if I'm not just a stupid, foolish woman for still having the dream of living in the NYC area -- I'm not an art student anymore, shouldn't I have given that fantasy up long ago? Wondered that if I'm not meant to live there, then where? Anywhere?
Sometimes everything feels so out of reach.
And then it snows overnight and once again, I'm unable to get to work. I wasn't scheduled for a long shift today, it's true, but those are hours I am not going to get paid for now, income that I've lost, a setback that leaves me a few more dollars further away from those apartments than I was last night. They might as well be renting studio space on the moon.
I think today I need to do something creative. I think I need to pull out an old story and polish it up, or flesh out a portion of an outline that has been sitting skeletal for awhile. Or even draw (how revolutionary).
I mean, yes, I'll be playing Zelda, too. But I think I have to do something to reassure myself that the future I yearn for isn't lost, that the self I keep trying to give birth to is still a possibility, and not a pipedream.
That I'm not going to give up, even though I haven't got a clue how to get there from here.