(no subject)
I have to admit, I'm just not excited about spring this year. (Which isn't so great when you're trying to write a spring ritual!)
Anniversaries have been a lot on my mind lately. The 4th of March is one: it's the anniversary of both my diagnosis (8 years ago now, happily) and the day my ex moved out. That was four years ago. (I think of it as a birthday.)
March is also when I packed up my apartment and went out on the road two years ago, so that comes up, too. There are moments when I have such an intense craving for that experience, the travel and its focus the dark room echoing with loud music and bright energy. Tonight "Death before Disco" came on and the raw sound of it caused an almost visceral ache.
Spring is when everything starts over. It used to be the New Year and it still feels like it, doesn't it? And maybe that's why I'm feeling reluctant. It's a new year but I'm still at square one.
Living in Kentucky is, for me, like standing in a patch of nettles. And though I do my uneven best to stay true to myself, still, there is always a subliminal discomfort. This place is not a good place for me. But I don't yet have the freedom to leave (and I'm half-afraid I never will.)
And here it comes, my third spring here.
I need the exuberant cheer of spring, I need it to fuel my forward motion, but it isn't easy to find.
So I've been doing research on spring traditions, looking for hints in the folklore, and I've been listening to the band that always gets me fired up. Maybe it's silly, maybe it makes me a fangirl, but My Chem have always been a source of encouragement. One of the themes I've always heard in their music and understood from their attitudes is don't let the bastards grind you down, said with a grin and a finger.
So yeah, getting to where I want to be may be like wading through molasses, but I'm gonna do it. Even if I have to flip off the whole damn state and the whole damn season!
This detour has gone on long enough.
Anniversaries have been a lot on my mind lately. The 4th of March is one: it's the anniversary of both my diagnosis (8 years ago now, happily) and the day my ex moved out. That was four years ago. (I think of it as a birthday.)
March is also when I packed up my apartment and went out on the road two years ago, so that comes up, too. There are moments when I have such an intense craving for that experience, the travel and its focus the dark room echoing with loud music and bright energy. Tonight "Death before Disco" came on and the raw sound of it caused an almost visceral ache.
Spring is when everything starts over. It used to be the New Year and it still feels like it, doesn't it? And maybe that's why I'm feeling reluctant. It's a new year but I'm still at square one.
Living in Kentucky is, for me, like standing in a patch of nettles. And though I do my uneven best to stay true to myself, still, there is always a subliminal discomfort. This place is not a good place for me. But I don't yet have the freedom to leave (and I'm half-afraid I never will.)
And here it comes, my third spring here.
I need the exuberant cheer of spring, I need it to fuel my forward motion, but it isn't easy to find.
So I've been doing research on spring traditions, looking for hints in the folklore, and I've been listening to the band that always gets me fired up. Maybe it's silly, maybe it makes me a fangirl, but My Chem have always been a source of encouragement. One of the themes I've always heard in their music and understood from their attitudes is don't let the bastards grind you down, said with a grin and a finger.
So yeah, getting to where I want to be may be like wading through molasses, but I'm gonna do it. Even if I have to flip off the whole damn state and the whole damn season!
This detour has gone on long enough.