(no subject)
So here I stand head in had, turned my face to the wall
I feel empty at the moment, Like im missing something
my life took this turn recently, from where it came from I dont know, but Im supposed to be ashamed cuz society says I have to be
Let me be me
I say
I just want to live again
put the month behind me
be free from insanity keeping me locked in its "cage"
im gonna sound cheesy, but when you dont write as much as I have, I you have alot to say
you probably wont read it all, too much for your A.D.D eyes to handle, so youll glance and move on....thats alright is it really for your benifit anyway?
Im tired of living this way, like I think I know it all, I do to some degree, but other times I have no Idea
Im breaking down and the world tells me Im strong
but in point of fact, I have my weaknesses
Like john is a weakness
and maybe someone else too
but not like John, no not like John
and maybe I think its alright, because here is a part of my life im comfortable mleaving behind
I so I thought I was better, I thought I was strong
Through the death of my relationship, a part of my heart
To the near destruction of my mothers mind
To the near collapse of my own life through stupid childish stupidity, and not knowing when enough is too much
I speak in riddle right now, cuz I know what I mean....maybe you ont know, or dont want to know, but I see what it is I see
All I have ever wanted in life....ever at all....was to become something great, wonderful beautiful, and have one other, just one other see them, no strings attached, no quarrels to dig myself out of, nothing of that sort. Just love and be loved for the rest of my life. Loving myself isnt the issue anymore, I know what I am and its all I can be, and I have grown to accept that.
Today I was told someone regretted my leaving, that I was something great to them, I seem to be great for everyone , so they say, and yet tey throw me away...right down to my own mother. Ill never forget the day I came home and there she stood and accused me of never loving her, never giving myself enough, I thought I tried my est and again it wasnt what was needed out of me. Its like a compliance I cant fill, and creative mind hungry for what it cannot eat.
Someone thought I was great once, he said I was his everything, and then he got selfish and greedy and left me where I am today. I look bak and say maybe I didnt love myself enough, so I begin to love myself hoping someone else will love me too.
maybe Im not all the things I thought I was, maybe I wanted someone to show me....But I know what I am...its just nice enough to have someone else see it too, that wont leave me at the drop of a hat, when the going gets rough or something else with long legs walks by.
maybe Im just a hopeless romantic with revolutionary conservative Ideas, about believing in what I am and seeing the good in a world that only produces evils we hear about in books
I just saw the weirdest movie....About a convict that escapes from prison, and his whole life he was a trouble maker. he gets stuck in a storm wih a woman, really beautiful cello player. and tehy tell each other stories, the mean time the whole freakin state is looking for him. and the twom of them sit comfortably with each other. He has this crazy dream of owning a poetry nightclub with jazz and friends....but he is serving 2 life sentences, so its just a fantasy, ya know the one thing they cant take away from you in the slammer...the whole story is weird, but there is one thing in that whole movie that made me feel the way I do right now, sincerely spoken and completely unrealistic that it can only be a dream if said in reality...."thsi is one of the happiest nights of my life, and for this night I Love you, and I will always love you just for the way I feel right now"
I dont know why it strikes a cord with me...I dont know why love strikes a cord in me, I think its because my parents dont love eachother, evryone seems fine with this concept, "my parents dont love each other, im fine with this.." Im not...I cant be, the whole concept of matrimony, the whole thought of loving someone as two people together as one fully consums my mind sometimes, because I never saw this as a child. aand maybe Im just at heart a girl who knows nothing of the world i which she lives, but I am still a woman, and I just want to hear, even if its for a moment, that I am beautiful that I am smart, that I dont have to convince myself everytime the words arent said, I want it to be sincere, like im the only one alive, I dont wnat there to be a string attached to ever word thats said to me, an expectation of a compliment in return....just said because its meant. and maybe in the world in which we live its too much to ask for.
Ya know for the first time Iwas scared, scared about how someone really felt about me, afraid to lose all the love I based myself on to an illness....My mother always said she loved me, but maybe it also had strings attached, she couldnt see how much I truely cared and thats why she went mad, maybe thats the reason, I still thionk despite what I present to know, maybe it was jy fault, maybe I wasnt a good daughter, maybe I wasnt enough of a friend, maybe I wasnt understanding enough as a girlfriend, maybe I can only be loved a day at a time, till something else comes around thats more important. my mother left my side to take care of my sister, understandably so, its not easy having a siser that has special needs, maybe my father left my side because he couldnt deal with my mother, maybe John left my side because he couldnt deal with the fact I was human, maybe simone left my side because I wasnt cool enought to be her friend, maybe jason left my side cuz ididnt do drugs, maybe tanner left my side cuz he was scared of me, maybe keith left because he doesnt like to accept the fact he can be worng, maybe I am jst knowing the worng people....but my parents? why not them...I have this feeling of lonliness....
And suddenly I dont feel so alone...I feel rather healthy now, now that I have laid what I want out on the table for the millionth time....hopeless romantics never get what they want, they settle because they know what the want cant exist, and when it does, something so profound is in the way...Like age for example. not to say this is directed toward anyone in particular cuz its really not....I just dont want to be hurt anymnore, by anyone....is it really too much to ask. can I not get along without having to worry about every word comming from someones mouth being BULLSHIT....Why is it so hard for someone to see me as being beautiful....like I am special and amazing and believe this, as i believe in them these things...I just pray what I want is somewhere out there.....aybe its so close I can taste it....and maybe im so lost I cant feel it.
I love myself, lord knows I think Im great, I just dont want to keep thinking in the back of my mind that I am lying to myself, that because of who I am I cant be loved and this feeling I have for myself is untrue.
I cant think of writing anymore....maybe just maybe Ill be alright...maybe someone will stick around for the long haul....hopefully it can be the case....and if I am to be alone for the rest of my life....better get myself a cat
I feel empty at the moment, Like im missing something
my life took this turn recently, from where it came from I dont know, but Im supposed to be ashamed cuz society says I have to be
Let me be me
I say
I just want to live again
put the month behind me
be free from insanity keeping me locked in its "cage"
im gonna sound cheesy, but when you dont write as much as I have, I you have alot to say
you probably wont read it all, too much for your A.D.D eyes to handle, so youll glance and move on....thats alright is it really for your benifit anyway?
Im tired of living this way, like I think I know it all, I do to some degree, but other times I have no Idea
Im breaking down and the world tells me Im strong
but in point of fact, I have my weaknesses
Like john is a weakness
and maybe someone else too
but not like John, no not like John
and maybe I think its alright, because here is a part of my life im comfortable mleaving behind
I so I thought I was better, I thought I was strong
Through the death of my relationship, a part of my heart
To the near destruction of my mothers mind
To the near collapse of my own life through stupid childish stupidity, and not knowing when enough is too much
I speak in riddle right now, cuz I know what I mean....maybe you ont know, or dont want to know, but I see what it is I see
All I have ever wanted in life....ever at all....was to become something great, wonderful beautiful, and have one other, just one other see them, no strings attached, no quarrels to dig myself out of, nothing of that sort. Just love and be loved for the rest of my life. Loving myself isnt the issue anymore, I know what I am and its all I can be, and I have grown to accept that.
Today I was told someone regretted my leaving, that I was something great to them, I seem to be great for everyone , so they say, and yet tey throw me away...right down to my own mother. Ill never forget the day I came home and there she stood and accused me of never loving her, never giving myself enough, I thought I tried my est and again it wasnt what was needed out of me. Its like a compliance I cant fill, and creative mind hungry for what it cannot eat.
Someone thought I was great once, he said I was his everything, and then he got selfish and greedy and left me where I am today. I look bak and say maybe I didnt love myself enough, so I begin to love myself hoping someone else will love me too.
maybe Im not all the things I thought I was, maybe I wanted someone to show me....But I know what I am...its just nice enough to have someone else see it too, that wont leave me at the drop of a hat, when the going gets rough or something else with long legs walks by.
maybe Im just a hopeless romantic with revolutionary conservative Ideas, about believing in what I am and seeing the good in a world that only produces evils we hear about in books
I just saw the weirdest movie....About a convict that escapes from prison, and his whole life he was a trouble maker. he gets stuck in a storm wih a woman, really beautiful cello player. and tehy tell each other stories, the mean time the whole freakin state is looking for him. and the twom of them sit comfortably with each other. He has this crazy dream of owning a poetry nightclub with jazz and friends....but he is serving 2 life sentences, so its just a fantasy, ya know the one thing they cant take away from you in the slammer...the whole story is weird, but there is one thing in that whole movie that made me feel the way I do right now, sincerely spoken and completely unrealistic that it can only be a dream if said in reality...."thsi is one of the happiest nights of my life, and for this night I Love you, and I will always love you just for the way I feel right now"
I dont know why it strikes a cord with me...I dont know why love strikes a cord in me, I think its because my parents dont love eachother, evryone seems fine with this concept, "my parents dont love each other, im fine with this.." Im not...I cant be, the whole concept of matrimony, the whole thought of loving someone as two people together as one fully consums my mind sometimes, because I never saw this as a child. aand maybe Im just at heart a girl who knows nothing of the world i which she lives, but I am still a woman, and I just want to hear, even if its for a moment, that I am beautiful that I am smart, that I dont have to convince myself everytime the words arent said, I want it to be sincere, like im the only one alive, I dont wnat there to be a string attached to ever word thats said to me, an expectation of a compliment in return....just said because its meant. and maybe in the world in which we live its too much to ask for.
Ya know for the first time Iwas scared, scared about how someone really felt about me, afraid to lose all the love I based myself on to an illness....My mother always said she loved me, but maybe it also had strings attached, she couldnt see how much I truely cared and thats why she went mad, maybe thats the reason, I still thionk despite what I present to know, maybe it was jy fault, maybe I wasnt a good daughter, maybe I wasnt enough of a friend, maybe I wasnt understanding enough as a girlfriend, maybe I can only be loved a day at a time, till something else comes around thats more important. my mother left my side to take care of my sister, understandably so, its not easy having a siser that has special needs, maybe my father left my side because he couldnt deal with my mother, maybe John left my side because he couldnt deal with the fact I was human, maybe simone left my side because I wasnt cool enought to be her friend, maybe jason left my side cuz ididnt do drugs, maybe tanner left my side cuz he was scared of me, maybe keith left because he doesnt like to accept the fact he can be worng, maybe I am jst knowing the worng people....but my parents? why not them...I have this feeling of lonliness....
And suddenly I dont feel so alone...I feel rather healthy now, now that I have laid what I want out on the table for the millionth time....hopeless romantics never get what they want, they settle because they know what the want cant exist, and when it does, something so profound is in the way...Like age for example. not to say this is directed toward anyone in particular cuz its really not....I just dont want to be hurt anymnore, by anyone....is it really too much to ask. can I not get along without having to worry about every word comming from someones mouth being BULLSHIT....Why is it so hard for someone to see me as being beautiful....like I am special and amazing and believe this, as i believe in them these things...I just pray what I want is somewhere out there.....aybe its so close I can taste it....and maybe im so lost I cant feel it.
I love myself, lord knows I think Im great, I just dont want to keep thinking in the back of my mind that I am lying to myself, that because of who I am I cant be loved and this feeling I have for myself is untrue.
I cant think of writing anymore....maybe just maybe Ill be alright...maybe someone will stick around for the long haul....hopefully it can be the case....and if I am to be alone for the rest of my life....better get myself a cat