Dolphins, porpoises and their bretheren of the seas
I am scared of whales and dolphins. I realise that this fear is a bit irrational (except for that time I ran into one in a public washroom and it looked at me funny) and so I decided to do a bit of checkin' up these evilevilbadbadbad cetacean scaries. I kid you not, looking at pictures of them online makes me look behind my shoulder. I am not so afraid of sharks because LIKE HELL I'll be near one. Maybe in a tank. I figure it's fine to pen up sharks, seeing as they have a brain that is mostly all about cartilage and a bit of goo.
The brain of a dolphin is 20% larger than our own. This means they can store at least an extra GB of music (if I had enough time, this is where I'd insert an absurd iPod dolphin montage). This doesn't stop them from trying to kill movie stars.
Susan Sarandon is a peach. Especially after countless viewings of Rocky Horror and watching her puff a fatty while Julia Roberts makes cardboard cut-outs. OH IT WAS REAL. Turns out though, female dolphins don't like her too much.
"During a 1970’s visit to a San Francisco lab with Timothy Leary, Sarandon made friends with a male dolphin named Joe, and went for a ride on his fin. His lady friend dolphin saw the shit go down, and took a bite out of Sarandon’s wrist.
She tells PageSix.com, "After he trusted me more, I took hold of Joe's fin and we glided around the tank together.Then Joe stopped swimming horizontally and pushed up against me. I thought the whole experience was just groovy until I felt this horrible pain on my wrist, which was holding Joe's fin. I could hear them (researchers) shouting, 'No, ROSIE! Don't!' I looked over and Joe's mate, this huge dolphin I hadn't even noticed before, was virtually standing up right out of the water, towering over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."
Later, researchers told Sarandon that Rosie's bite, which took months to heal, was a "warning nibble," and that "if she had made that plunge toward me, I would have been killed instantly as surely as if Rosie had been a shark. Apparently, an enraged, jealous dolphin is incredibly dangerous. What a way to die! Who would have believed it?"
Don't fuck with mating dolphins. Don't ever let bitches allow you to play with horny tuna sandwiches to be. It took me a while to find out anything about killer dolphins online. That's probably because they're so fucking smart they leave no evidence. Except bruising. I figure, if I get smashed in the water by a dolphin I'd die just to prove a point.
And it gets better. Jessica Alba says, "I don’t know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being - and they have long, long… (penises). "I didn’t know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little bitches." That was all about filming Flipper. Not too freaky, seeing as I have been poked by something a little less fishy that was equally rude, but still. Don't fuck with horny dolphins. Unless you are a dolphin. Even then, I don't suggest it.
BELUGAS. OMFG. I have always though Down's Syndrome kids are the cutest of cute when it comes to genetic betrayal. If I ever (and I'm probably fated towards such a thing) have a kid that's retarded, I sincerely hope it's DS. And a girl. Probably it'll be a boy. And no, I don't plan on having children anytime soon. And no. One day as punishment I will though. Anyways... Not as scary, but equally creepy in the water. They are probably crying when you see them in tanks because it's not like you'd be able to tell. Awww... Poor retarded babies. How are they related to caviar? Belukha is Russian for White Whale. Sturgeons. There's another one to watch for, luckily they are too sleepy to really be much of a threat.
I am stone cold sober save for a pint of coffee. Which is probably why I keep looking behind my back for dolphins and whales. I have written about my fear of these animals in the past. It all stems from a nightmare I had involing the Strait and Humpback whales amidst orcas and the dubious dark coloured dolphin (prolly actually a porpoise) with the yellow strip up over the eye. And there was the huge cargo ship as well to really add the fear of displacement and me in the water. The dark and cold water with things larger than my home moving about at speeds which could suck me under and make me die. Or play with me. Like a dolphin would bother, but the thought of a scene a la locker ping-pong that I experienced in grade 8 with two rows of grade 12 kids on either side of the hallway... Add water and it's basically the same idea. And if - SUpposing one grabbed me with it's biting teeth and dragged me under I'd have uber nitrogen narcosis or whatever we're calling it. The Benz? I prefer one with heated leather seats. And the autopsy with every blood-vessel in my eyes blown to shit: Dolphin Attack.
River Dolphins of the Amazon. Don't even get me started. They're terrifying. I looked into the dream dictionary of fun and it turns out that bad dreams about dolphins means a change of government in one's life. Then again, the Greek theory of men jumping into the ocean and turning into dolphins could be the root of that one (there's more to it than that, so just accept the fact that it makes sense).
http://www.theporpoisepage.com/ is kinda hot. Now it all makes sense when you look at ancient greek mosaics and go WTF, that's not a fucking dolphin. I need more snout! I think everyone needs more snout, even though Ashlee Simpson says no(se job). I'm done with all this crazy reitteration of my fear of aquatic mammals. I'm just glad I'm not scared of something more commonplace - Like brooms or eggs or potting soil.
The brain of a dolphin is 20% larger than our own. This means they can store at least an extra GB of music (if I had enough time, this is where I'd insert an absurd iPod dolphin montage). This doesn't stop them from trying to kill movie stars.
Susan Sarandon is a peach. Especially after countless viewings of Rocky Horror and watching her puff a fatty while Julia Roberts makes cardboard cut-outs. OH IT WAS REAL. Turns out though, female dolphins don't like her too much.
"During a 1970’s visit to a San Francisco lab with Timothy Leary, Sarandon made friends with a male dolphin named Joe, and went for a ride on his fin. His lady friend dolphin saw the shit go down, and took a bite out of Sarandon’s wrist.
She tells PageSix.com, "After he trusted me more, I took hold of Joe's fin and we glided around the tank together.Then Joe stopped swimming horizontally and pushed up against me. I thought the whole experience was just groovy until I felt this horrible pain on my wrist, which was holding Joe's fin. I could hear them (researchers) shouting, 'No, ROSIE! Don't!' I looked over and Joe's mate, this huge dolphin I hadn't even noticed before, was virtually standing up right out of the water, towering over me on its rear fins. She seemed to be 12 feet tall, emitting this loud, high-pitched noise. The attendants were screaming, 'We've got to get you out!' I was afraid I was going to get my other arm broken."
Later, researchers told Sarandon that Rosie's bite, which took months to heal, was a "warning nibble," and that "if she had made that plunge toward me, I would have been killed instantly as surely as if Rosie had been a shark. Apparently, an enraged, jealous dolphin is incredibly dangerous. What a way to die! Who would have believed it?"
Don't fuck with mating dolphins. Don't ever let bitches allow you to play with horny tuna sandwiches to be. It took me a while to find out anything about killer dolphins online. That's probably because they're so fucking smart they leave no evidence. Except bruising. I figure, if I get smashed in the water by a dolphin I'd die just to prove a point.
And it gets better. Jessica Alba says, "I don’t know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being - and they have long, long… (penises). "I didn’t know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little bitches." That was all about filming Flipper. Not too freaky, seeing as I have been poked by something a little less fishy that was equally rude, but still. Don't fuck with horny dolphins. Unless you are a dolphin. Even then, I don't suggest it.
BELUGAS. OMFG. I have always though Down's Syndrome kids are the cutest of cute when it comes to genetic betrayal. If I ever (and I'm probably fated towards such a thing) have a kid that's retarded, I sincerely hope it's DS. And a girl. Probably it'll be a boy. And no, I don't plan on having children anytime soon. And no. One day as punishment I will though. Anyways... Not as scary, but equally creepy in the water. They are probably crying when you see them in tanks because it's not like you'd be able to tell. Awww... Poor retarded babies. How are they related to caviar? Belukha is Russian for White Whale. Sturgeons. There's another one to watch for, luckily they are too sleepy to really be much of a threat.
I am stone cold sober save for a pint of coffee. Which is probably why I keep looking behind my back for dolphins and whales. I have written about my fear of these animals in the past. It all stems from a nightmare I had involing the Strait and Humpback whales amidst orcas and the dubious dark coloured dolphin (prolly actually a porpoise) with the yellow strip up over the eye. And there was the huge cargo ship as well to really add the fear of displacement and me in the water. The dark and cold water with things larger than my home moving about at speeds which could suck me under and make me die. Or play with me. Like a dolphin would bother, but the thought of a scene a la locker ping-pong that I experienced in grade 8 with two rows of grade 12 kids on either side of the hallway... Add water and it's basically the same idea. And if - SUpposing one grabbed me with it's biting teeth and dragged me under I'd have uber nitrogen narcosis or whatever we're calling it. The Benz? I prefer one with heated leather seats. And the autopsy with every blood-vessel in my eyes blown to shit: Dolphin Attack.
River Dolphins of the Amazon. Don't even get me started. They're terrifying. I looked into the dream dictionary of fun and it turns out that bad dreams about dolphins means a change of government in one's life. Then again, the Greek theory of men jumping into the ocean and turning into dolphins could be the root of that one (there's more to it than that, so just accept the fact that it makes sense).
http://www.theporpoisepage.com/ is kinda hot. Now it all makes sense when you look at ancient greek mosaics and go WTF, that's not a fucking dolphin. I need more snout! I think everyone needs more snout, even though Ashlee Simpson says no(se job). I'm done with all this crazy reitteration of my fear of aquatic mammals. I'm just glad I'm not scared of something more commonplace - Like brooms or eggs or potting soil.