Been a while
Had some thoughts that I though would be fun to have such bloggetry spool about a webserver prior to myself getting ready for work. I think I'm anxious about all the shit that going on in my life - Not like everything on the verge of catastrophe at all, but things seep through my mind far too much. When it comes down to rationale and logic, stuff that does not make sense or simply doesn't have enough information to really be able to say yes or no is fine. It's something I have to deal with pretty much. I wonder if too much caffeine is making things more absurd than they need to be. I'm so general, it hurts.
Speaking of hurting... Self torture. Thoughts about stuff like more money and blah and hair and blah. It comes down to specifics in my life and it's a time of transition. By far I'd have to say that this time of year, as Spring oozes closer, is really the hardest for me to manage. It's when I think I'm going to lose my mind and end of on the street. I figure journalling about it may be some way to vent - and the hot tears of embarrassment a comfort later when used as a substitute for soya sauce. Soy? Soya? I never know.
If you look back through my entries, they're either stoned, anxious or depressed. Maybe not, but let's lump them. I've tried not to reveal too much of myself so far as facts people can sling about after some touchy incidents back when I was far less experienced in the social hoo-haw. It's a word now. Come to think of it, mostly it was complaining about money or relationships or the lack thereof. To continue this delicious trend, I'm stirring up the dregs for some cross-analysis. If you're reading this, maybe it'll make some sense. Chances are it's just observation twixt mental excitement.
I have always found some level of self-conscious/self-esteem issues battering against me. I assume it's normal, but when you've got far too much time to dwell (key point, dwelling on the things that are choices to feel) it eats away. I would have said burn away, but nothing is taken from, but nothing is added to, save for baggage and the learning outcomes associated. I'm glad I've dealt with enough bullshit to at least not burst into tears half the time.
Right now I am faced with some things like finding a new roommate - An issues that loves to flirt with me every so often. Mediating my thoughts turned anxieties in a relationship that seemingly chalks up to not-your-usual-sort, though very easy-going and sweet in nature. Money, the lack thereof and why things have come this far. Thoughts about plans to run away and deal with things from afar, detach and reattach. Having to keep everything balanced otherwise it gets out of whack. Luckily I have been able to keep everything floating along merrily so far.
So, the roommate thing. I need one in less than half a month's time, and still no viable options. I should just do my best to get the word out there. One of my biggest problems is stepping outside of my bubble, not matter how much it hurts me to stay inside and get out and do things. Once I have started I usually work well on the go. Before I start such tasks I usually find ways to avoid or stall until the last minute. It's like I'll have an excuse like it's past business hours or something. Maybe my laundry isn't done and I don't feel like I'll look good wearing something. I wish I could say that I was someone everybody notices when i'm in public, but I don't think that's the case. A socially anxious guy that's six and a half feet tall is kinda a curious thought, but not alien to me.
So maybe it's not about finding a roommate that's hounding me. it's the thought that I won't be able to find someone suitable. Some could say it's karma after I shafted my last roommate-to-be in favour of someone who's been the best roommate I have ever had. I'd shaft and shaft again if I had such results everytime. Everything will work out fine, in the end. I will adjust to whomever steps into that place within my life. I'm not new at this. I still get that bloody virgin feeling though.
The relationship thang. So, I gots myself a boy who's adorable and yada yada yada. I feel like we don't see enough of each other. In his defense, he's been sick, or hasn't been able to get a vehicle to come see me. Why I cannot just go and see him is beyond me. I think perhaps it's just the natural progression of things. I personally have been persuing this guy for a while, even before my last relationship with a 16 year old. And may I say, it's an experience you'll never forget but may have to. As for my bf, I could easily see him dumping my ass. I could see myself dumping his ass after freaking out and self-destructing for a couple of days. All because of my own insecurities.
Having him break up with me after Christmas and then regretting his decision only a couple weeks into things flipped my wig. I didn't cry as much as I thought I might, but then I had a feeling that things weren't entirely done. They weren't. I think he was just freaking about all the shit to go down in January and the new year in general. I'm impressed by what he's trying to accomplish and all the skills he possesses. I personally hate math, he's not about language. Usually I hate math-heads. I find a lot of fags are language moreso than math. I figure math people like Dali, or that Dutch freaky cubistic crap. If I see upside-down staircases, I get upset. I enjoy impressionism with content. How light hits shit is pretty much the way shit is. maybe there's something about the way it softens everything while defining what truly matters. Not that I don't enjoy photo-realism though, I just find the textures and depths of tone create things that are a treat for the eyeballs. Okay, so I made some strong coffee and I am blabbling.
I have nothing to worry about save for worry itself. The relationship will take it's course and I can do nothign but be supportive. Things I have overlooked that are so 'narcissois' are those things like realizing what I say in the way it affects other people. I have the hardest time getting my point across sometimes. I waffle and generalize even when things are such a crystal-clear image of emotion in my head - Words that turn into chaff blown about my tongue and forced between parted lips like spaghetti-o's that won't stay in that stupid toddler's mouth. Piping bags. All I can say.
I worry that I put myself into a position that is folly. I sometimes wonder if I am gullible, unaware or too self-centred to notice the world for what it is around me. Take that and add several zillion other people and we've got a huge problem I'm attempting to deal with in one blow. I know that for whatever does happen you've got to hold true to who you are at this moment. Not that I am huge on the clichés of living within the moment and seizing the day, but these things are such simple tools to stimulate change that might otherwise be ignored and the tumult of everyday will three-ring circus people into craziness.
I know I want to share my life with someone. I also know that they aren't going to live my life for me. The time I have now while people are dealing with some pretty heavy issues of their own is time that I feel like I am wasting. Internalizing into goo. Tying myself up in the fetters of my own guilt for being aimless. It's that step ahead that takes me so much effort to come to the point of beginning - I wonder if that's why the actual act of doing something is far, far easier than the ones leading up to it.
This all ties into the money thing. I cannot believe that I have come to the point where I am totally on my own so late. Some people have purchased houses by now. Some people have created vaccines. I don't really care what people, so much as what it is that they've done. I know we all have our own pace. The trials, which may just be my dramatization do give me a sense of security in knowing that I will survive whatever comes my way. Last year I knew I had to deal with stuff and have pushed to get where I am at. All it took was the fortune of the month of July and some honest effort.
I think I need to step out and witness life for what it is beyond my nest. It's the only way I'm going to get what I want, give what I want and be who I have chosen to be. I am not my own god. I am in control of how I choose to feel. Having dealt with social anxiety, the kind where I still get tears in my eyes in public if I am stressed used to be my biggest block. Understanding that everyone has their own deal and so what if some random says something. Usually the harshest judges are those that sometimes hate being judged themselves. There is a lot to be said about people who get upset about things people do when they do the very same things themselves. I hate bitches, but yo - Am I not one? Everything in moderation, even excess.
People are real. Their insides are squishy and delicious. Your body has a predestined genetic attitude. The mind seemingly as well. The environment plays upon these factors. The mind controls the body. There is no one answer. All the parts of everything mesh, weave, cycle and interlock. They fall away before our eyes. We create, define and label. It's humanity's desire to label these things which I try to convey.If it were a matter of particulars, this wouldn't be what you've just read. I know what I know for where I am at.
My resolve currently lies in a state of transition itself. For everytime I face a turning point I re-evaluate prior to action. Taking stock is one thing, letting my mind run around on fire, decidedly another. I have no doubt there is nothing I've written now that isn't something already written a thousandfold before. Maybe I just want you to know how February 2006 is. I'm 25. Nothing much to really add to that save only that I feel more mature in comparison to my past. My self-cybercounselling has come to an end for now. I feel better. Lately I've feld an enormous desire to spill stuff out. This jumble of stuff in my head needs some airing out. Spring cleaning is on it's way for certain.
Speaking of hurting... Self torture. Thoughts about stuff like more money and blah and hair and blah. It comes down to specifics in my life and it's a time of transition. By far I'd have to say that this time of year, as Spring oozes closer, is really the hardest for me to manage. It's when I think I'm going to lose my mind and end of on the street. I figure journalling about it may be some way to vent - and the hot tears of embarrassment a comfort later when used as a substitute for soya sauce. Soy? Soya? I never know.
If you look back through my entries, they're either stoned, anxious or depressed. Maybe not, but let's lump them. I've tried not to reveal too much of myself so far as facts people can sling about after some touchy incidents back when I was far less experienced in the social hoo-haw. It's a word now. Come to think of it, mostly it was complaining about money or relationships or the lack thereof. To continue this delicious trend, I'm stirring up the dregs for some cross-analysis. If you're reading this, maybe it'll make some sense. Chances are it's just observation twixt mental excitement.
I have always found some level of self-conscious/self-esteem issues battering against me. I assume it's normal, but when you've got far too much time to dwell (key point, dwelling on the things that are choices to feel) it eats away. I would have said burn away, but nothing is taken from, but nothing is added to, save for baggage and the learning outcomes associated. I'm glad I've dealt with enough bullshit to at least not burst into tears half the time.
Right now I am faced with some things like finding a new roommate - An issues that loves to flirt with me every so often. Mediating my thoughts turned anxieties in a relationship that seemingly chalks up to not-your-usual-sort, though very easy-going and sweet in nature. Money, the lack thereof and why things have come this far. Thoughts about plans to run away and deal with things from afar, detach and reattach. Having to keep everything balanced otherwise it gets out of whack. Luckily I have been able to keep everything floating along merrily so far.
So, the roommate thing. I need one in less than half a month's time, and still no viable options. I should just do my best to get the word out there. One of my biggest problems is stepping outside of my bubble, not matter how much it hurts me to stay inside and get out and do things. Once I have started I usually work well on the go. Before I start such tasks I usually find ways to avoid or stall until the last minute. It's like I'll have an excuse like it's past business hours or something. Maybe my laundry isn't done and I don't feel like I'll look good wearing something. I wish I could say that I was someone everybody notices when i'm in public, but I don't think that's the case. A socially anxious guy that's six and a half feet tall is kinda a curious thought, but not alien to me.
So maybe it's not about finding a roommate that's hounding me. it's the thought that I won't be able to find someone suitable. Some could say it's karma after I shafted my last roommate-to-be in favour of someone who's been the best roommate I have ever had. I'd shaft and shaft again if I had such results everytime. Everything will work out fine, in the end. I will adjust to whomever steps into that place within my life. I'm not new at this. I still get that bloody virgin feeling though.
The relationship thang. So, I gots myself a boy who's adorable and yada yada yada. I feel like we don't see enough of each other. In his defense, he's been sick, or hasn't been able to get a vehicle to come see me. Why I cannot just go and see him is beyond me. I think perhaps it's just the natural progression of things. I personally have been persuing this guy for a while, even before my last relationship with a 16 year old. And may I say, it's an experience you'll never forget but may have to. As for my bf, I could easily see him dumping my ass. I could see myself dumping his ass after freaking out and self-destructing for a couple of days. All because of my own insecurities.
Having him break up with me after Christmas and then regretting his decision only a couple weeks into things flipped my wig. I didn't cry as much as I thought I might, but then I had a feeling that things weren't entirely done. They weren't. I think he was just freaking about all the shit to go down in January and the new year in general. I'm impressed by what he's trying to accomplish and all the skills he possesses. I personally hate math, he's not about language. Usually I hate math-heads. I find a lot of fags are language moreso than math. I figure math people like Dali, or that Dutch freaky cubistic crap. If I see upside-down staircases, I get upset. I enjoy impressionism with content. How light hits shit is pretty much the way shit is. maybe there's something about the way it softens everything while defining what truly matters. Not that I don't enjoy photo-realism though, I just find the textures and depths of tone create things that are a treat for the eyeballs. Okay, so I made some strong coffee and I am blabbling.
I have nothing to worry about save for worry itself. The relationship will take it's course and I can do nothign but be supportive. Things I have overlooked that are so 'narcissois' are those things like realizing what I say in the way it affects other people. I have the hardest time getting my point across sometimes. I waffle and generalize even when things are such a crystal-clear image of emotion in my head - Words that turn into chaff blown about my tongue and forced between parted lips like spaghetti-o's that won't stay in that stupid toddler's mouth. Piping bags. All I can say.
I worry that I put myself into a position that is folly. I sometimes wonder if I am gullible, unaware or too self-centred to notice the world for what it is around me. Take that and add several zillion other people and we've got a huge problem I'm attempting to deal with in one blow. I know that for whatever does happen you've got to hold true to who you are at this moment. Not that I am huge on the clichés of living within the moment and seizing the day, but these things are such simple tools to stimulate change that might otherwise be ignored and the tumult of everyday will three-ring circus people into craziness.
I know I want to share my life with someone. I also know that they aren't going to live my life for me. The time I have now while people are dealing with some pretty heavy issues of their own is time that I feel like I am wasting. Internalizing into goo. Tying myself up in the fetters of my own guilt for being aimless. It's that step ahead that takes me so much effort to come to the point of beginning - I wonder if that's why the actual act of doing something is far, far easier than the ones leading up to it.
This all ties into the money thing. I cannot believe that I have come to the point where I am totally on my own so late. Some people have purchased houses by now. Some people have created vaccines. I don't really care what people, so much as what it is that they've done. I know we all have our own pace. The trials, which may just be my dramatization do give me a sense of security in knowing that I will survive whatever comes my way. Last year I knew I had to deal with stuff and have pushed to get where I am at. All it took was the fortune of the month of July and some honest effort.
I think I need to step out and witness life for what it is beyond my nest. It's the only way I'm going to get what I want, give what I want and be who I have chosen to be. I am not my own god. I am in control of how I choose to feel. Having dealt with social anxiety, the kind where I still get tears in my eyes in public if I am stressed used to be my biggest block. Understanding that everyone has their own deal and so what if some random says something. Usually the harshest judges are those that sometimes hate being judged themselves. There is a lot to be said about people who get upset about things people do when they do the very same things themselves. I hate bitches, but yo - Am I not one? Everything in moderation, even excess.
People are real. Their insides are squishy and delicious. Your body has a predestined genetic attitude. The mind seemingly as well. The environment plays upon these factors. The mind controls the body. There is no one answer. All the parts of everything mesh, weave, cycle and interlock. They fall away before our eyes. We create, define and label. It's humanity's desire to label these things which I try to convey.If it were a matter of particulars, this wouldn't be what you've just read. I know what I know for where I am at.
My resolve currently lies in a state of transition itself. For everytime I face a turning point I re-evaluate prior to action. Taking stock is one thing, letting my mind run around on fire, decidedly another. I have no doubt there is nothing I've written now that isn't something already written a thousandfold before. Maybe I just want you to know how February 2006 is. I'm 25. Nothing much to really add to that save only that I feel more mature in comparison to my past. My self-cybercounselling has come to an end for now. I feel better. Lately I've feld an enormous desire to spill stuff out. This jumble of stuff in my head needs some airing out. Spring cleaning is on it's way for certain.