Catching Up
I think going almost two years without writing constitutes severe neglect of journal. I know no one uses LJ anymore, and that's fine. I need somewhere I can keep my thoughts, and I think I'm finally old enough to start living without needing constant affirmation of my every waking moment. My self esteem is beginning to heal itself. So here I am now, trying to catch up on forgotten time.
I haven't written for a long time, probably because I felt ashamed of how terrible I thought my life was, and how sad I was a lot of the time. I'm still ashamed sometimes, and I'm still sad. But the difference in my overall attitude has changed drastically. I've decided to enjoy what time I have on this earth, and make the most of what I have. That's not an easy thing to do, but every day when I wake up, I remind myself that I now have many of the things I used to ask for, the things I was convinced would make me happy.
It turns out happiness is subjective. I have always wanted what I don't have, and I'm just certain that it will make life great. When I was a little girl, I used to want to grow up and leave my father in the past, but now that I'm an adult, I feel like I've wasted so many years being bitter. I used to want to live on my own, but once I got married and moved out of my mother's house, it was a rough sacrifice to see my family only a fraction of how often I had before (even if it was always a crazy, frantic madhouse). I used to want a boyfriend, and once I got one, the relationship brought its own problems. I used to want to graduate college and never go back to school, but I miss the learning environment even more than I hated homework.
So, after a long, hard look at my life, I saw that I've always been waiting for something to make everything better. I still feel that way, but now I believe I truly do enjoy what I have and spend much less time pining for things off in the distance. My marriage with Chad started out rocky, but now we're making real progress toward being a happy couple. And I think I feel happy with him more often than I feel unhappy, which is a huge improvement over the past. If we started fighting at the beginning of the tunnel, now we're holding hands and walking toward the light at the end.
Many things have happened since I posted last. In August of 2010 I was promoted to Pharmacy Technician in the Walmart Pharmacy in Carlyle, which was a great thing for me. It was a fast-paced job which required me to think fast and walk faster. It was just what I needed at that point in my life--something to give me a sense of purpose, and to remind me that I really am smart.
I ended up working there for almost exactly a year, until I got a very exciting call from SIUE. I took the civil service test and didn't make the cut for an interview by two points. Needless to say, I was devastated. So I didn't get the original secretarial job I had applied for on the main campus, but a few days later I received a call for another interview at the dental school campus in Alton, just twenty-five minutes away. Everything went swimmingly, and about a week later I was jumping up and down in the pharmacy because I had finally, after years of looking, found a job I could enjoy that would pay me a living wage.
I've been in my current job at the dental school for about three months now, working with the academic side of graduate programs. It's glorified secretarial work, but it's interesting and my coworkers are great. Not to mention, I'm officially a state employee, so we get great holidays, decent pay, and lots of area discounts. There are ample opportunities to advance in such a large university, so I'm hopeful for my future there. And I'll have the option to get my master's degree tuition free, if I ever decide to pick a field.
In the meantime, Chad also got a new job as a web specialist in the housing department at SIUE. It was one of the best things to ever happen to him, and us as a couple. He loves his job, and gets to socialize with coworkers instead of working alone at home. Not to mention, the salary increase was very necessary.
So we moved to Glen Carbon, and our new apartment is fairly decent. I miss having a basement, but at least now we were able to buy our own high efficiency washer and dryer, and all of the laundry is on one floor, which is the only floor. We love this area, and it's nice to be able to drive down the street to get to a Target or Lowe's, instead of having to drive forty-five minutes in any given direction to get anywhere at all.
Most aspects of my life have improved, and consequently so has my outlook on life. I feel invigorated in that regard. In other ways, I feel awful because I'm at my heaviest weight of my life. It takes a toll on my energy and intelligence most of the time. It's one of my main sources of shame and unhappiness.
But hope is a funny thing. If you have even a sliver of it somewhere in your being, it bleeds over into other areas until you're unsure why you ever doubted yourself. I try to hold on to the hope that I will again successfully lose weight and keep it off. I did it before, I can do it again, and I believe that life will continually improve as long as I make an effort to do my best, in any way I can, for as long as I can.
I haven't written for a long time, probably because I felt ashamed of how terrible I thought my life was, and how sad I was a lot of the time. I'm still ashamed sometimes, and I'm still sad. But the difference in my overall attitude has changed drastically. I've decided to enjoy what time I have on this earth, and make the most of what I have. That's not an easy thing to do, but every day when I wake up, I remind myself that I now have many of the things I used to ask for, the things I was convinced would make me happy.
It turns out happiness is subjective. I have always wanted what I don't have, and I'm just certain that it will make life great. When I was a little girl, I used to want to grow up and leave my father in the past, but now that I'm an adult, I feel like I've wasted so many years being bitter. I used to want to live on my own, but once I got married and moved out of my mother's house, it was a rough sacrifice to see my family only a fraction of how often I had before (even if it was always a crazy, frantic madhouse). I used to want a boyfriend, and once I got one, the relationship brought its own problems. I used to want to graduate college and never go back to school, but I miss the learning environment even more than I hated homework.
So, after a long, hard look at my life, I saw that I've always been waiting for something to make everything better. I still feel that way, but now I believe I truly do enjoy what I have and spend much less time pining for things off in the distance. My marriage with Chad started out rocky, but now we're making real progress toward being a happy couple. And I think I feel happy with him more often than I feel unhappy, which is a huge improvement over the past. If we started fighting at the beginning of the tunnel, now we're holding hands and walking toward the light at the end.
Many things have happened since I posted last. In August of 2010 I was promoted to Pharmacy Technician in the Walmart Pharmacy in Carlyle, which was a great thing for me. It was a fast-paced job which required me to think fast and walk faster. It was just what I needed at that point in my life--something to give me a sense of purpose, and to remind me that I really am smart.
I ended up working there for almost exactly a year, until I got a very exciting call from SIUE. I took the civil service test and didn't make the cut for an interview by two points. Needless to say, I was devastated. So I didn't get the original secretarial job I had applied for on the main campus, but a few days later I received a call for another interview at the dental school campus in Alton, just twenty-five minutes away. Everything went swimmingly, and about a week later I was jumping up and down in the pharmacy because I had finally, after years of looking, found a job I could enjoy that would pay me a living wage.
I've been in my current job at the dental school for about three months now, working with the academic side of graduate programs. It's glorified secretarial work, but it's interesting and my coworkers are great. Not to mention, I'm officially a state employee, so we get great holidays, decent pay, and lots of area discounts. There are ample opportunities to advance in such a large university, so I'm hopeful for my future there. And I'll have the option to get my master's degree tuition free, if I ever decide to pick a field.
In the meantime, Chad also got a new job as a web specialist in the housing department at SIUE. It was one of the best things to ever happen to him, and us as a couple. He loves his job, and gets to socialize with coworkers instead of working alone at home. Not to mention, the salary increase was very necessary.
So we moved to Glen Carbon, and our new apartment is fairly decent. I miss having a basement, but at least now we were able to buy our own high efficiency washer and dryer, and all of the laundry is on one floor, which is the only floor. We love this area, and it's nice to be able to drive down the street to get to a Target or Lowe's, instead of having to drive forty-five minutes in any given direction to get anywhere at all.
Most aspects of my life have improved, and consequently so has my outlook on life. I feel invigorated in that regard. In other ways, I feel awful because I'm at my heaviest weight of my life. It takes a toll on my energy and intelligence most of the time. It's one of my main sources of shame and unhappiness.
But hope is a funny thing. If you have even a sliver of it somewhere in your being, it bleeds over into other areas until you're unsure why you ever doubted yourself. I try to hold on to the hope that I will again successfully lose weight and keep it off. I did it before, I can do it again, and I believe that life will continually improve as long as I make an effort to do my best, in any way I can, for as long as I can.