Ok everybody everywhere I really need help with this one
I know it's pathetic, me turning to the internet, but I don't know where else to go. I'm at my wit's end. My bf- if you want to call him that- sent this to me a while ago and I was searching through my email and I found it rather suddenly. We don't kiss, have never kissed, he won't hold my hand, he has never taken me out on a date. I am almost 17! I need a real relationship. My brother asked me why I was Bi and i'm like, 'Well, boys I know just can't actively complete a relationship with me, or even start one." this guy, Eric, he really broke my heart, and I haven't spoken to him in ohhh probably a month, and then I get this letter, followed by another. but, anyway here it is and what the hell should I do now. This letter says one thing from a month ago and his actions all along say another. Just read it and please give me an explanation:
I wrote this letter on Saturday May 23, and ask that you read all of it before judging anything I wrote. Thanks - and yes I know its long. Hey Babe, Today I went to New Jersey to celebrate my grandparent's birthday's, and their anniversary. After six hours in the car all I really wanted was to hear your voice, or better to see your smile and hold you in my arms. For truly it is the hope for such moments that keep me going from day to day. I dream of your warm embrace, your eyes intent on mine and its enough. But I still want more, I crave for reality because hopes and dreams leave room for pain and uncertainty. Everywhere I look I see your face and its as much a curse as a blessing. I can't help thinking about you, and too often these thoughts give rise to worry.I fear that I am merely a title, to be tolerated for the sake of its presence, and I have my reasons. For instance, you haven't called me since April fourteenth and you don't answer any of my calls. On more than one occasion I have felt as if you were avoiding me, and at times I have looked into your eyes and failed to find the slightest hint of emotion. Yet perhaps the scariest and most convincing reason of them all is that I've given you too many reasons to lose faith and emotion. For one I've yet to see you outside of school since the prom, and I'm sure it bothers you just as much as it does me. Another fault is perhaps that I am too often removed even awkward around you and find myself unable to express my emotions. I think it would be best if you understood why.To be honest I'm terrified of you. I know it sounds upsurd but in understanding my emotions for you I've come to recognize how vulnerable I am in your presence. After spending the past several years hiding behind an emotional mask this is a scary concept, its difficult to put my faith in you fearing that I've destroyed any faith you had in me. Yet I'm tired of living in the shadow of fear, and I realize that emotionally withdrawing myself from you only fosters the pain I'm attempting to avoid. It's for this reason that I write to you despite the chance of looking pathetic and being rejected, for how can you have faith in me without me having some in you. I suppose then the choice is yours, you can throw me by the wayside or can embrace me for who I am, but either way a decision must be made for the perpetuation of this uncertainty will be my ultimate undoing.If by chance you have yet to succumb to boredom or contempt, I would ask that you would call me, e-mail me, something, anything - I would love to hear from you. By the way the prom is the twenty fifth, so please consider accompanying me. It seemed like you were avoiding an answer when I asked the other day, and unless your working the night shift whether your working or not shouldn't really matter. I need to know soon, and although I would go with or without you, it wouldn't be the same without you there.I pray that this letter doesn't come off as upsurd or otherwise inappropriate, and would love to use the excuse that I'm not a man of words. That however, would be a lie. It seems simply that I'm not a man of words around you. I guess that's because I'm one for thought, and I'm beginning to think that Shakespeare was right in theorizing that thought was the enemy of action. In light of that statement I will bring this letter to conclusion before I lose the will to send it. I know this letter wasn't exactly romantic, even though it may be able to pass for it in a pathetic sort of way. I guess it was just more important to spill onto the page those thoughts which brought me the most concern, rather than those of frill and fancy. Of course if your one for the lines that have been festering in my head there's always such pathetic ramblings as - "I await your presence like that of the sun, for as with the sun all else is condemned to darkness.", and "Thoughts of you are haunting me like a living breathing nightmare, embodied by a beautiful face, a gorgeous body, and a personality that brightens the room almost as much as your smile. Yet it is this perfection that makes the suffering all the worse, for the pain is not wrought by its presence but by its absence. Put simply I miss you, and the mere thought that this feeling is not mutual plagues me like a disease. It inflicts such pangs of conscience that I cannot properly function, and instead I find myself searching indefinitely for the source of your displeasure." Personally, I find these lines to be a bit much - not because of any falsity on their part but rather due to their close ties to the romantic idealism that has followed me since my youth. But then again I'm rambling again and should probably shut up before I scare you away entirely. I miss you babe, and I hope to see you soon. love, Eric PS - I'm so afraid to send this I feel obligated to reference the time stamp on the e-mail, and I reserve the right to cite sleep deprivation as the reason for the slightly absurd nature of this letter. Here goes - well everything.
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I wrote this letter on Saturday May 23, and ask that you read all of it before judging anything I wrote. Thanks - and yes I know its long. Hey Babe, Today I went to New Jersey to celebrate my grandparent's birthday's, and their anniversary. After six hours in the car all I really wanted was to hear your voice, or better to see your smile and hold you in my arms. For truly it is the hope for such moments that keep me going from day to day. I dream of your warm embrace, your eyes intent on mine and its enough. But I still want more, I crave for reality because hopes and dreams leave room for pain and uncertainty. Everywhere I look I see your face and its as much a curse as a blessing. I can't help thinking about you, and too often these thoughts give rise to worry.I fear that I am merely a title, to be tolerated for the sake of its presence, and I have my reasons. For instance, you haven't called me since April fourteenth and you don't answer any of my calls. On more than one occasion I have felt as if you were avoiding me, and at times I have looked into your eyes and failed to find the slightest hint of emotion. Yet perhaps the scariest and most convincing reason of them all is that I've given you too many reasons to lose faith and emotion. For one I've yet to see you outside of school since the prom, and I'm sure it bothers you just as much as it does me. Another fault is perhaps that I am too often removed even awkward around you and find myself unable to express my emotions. I think it would be best if you understood why.To be honest I'm terrified of you. I know it sounds upsurd but in understanding my emotions for you I've come to recognize how vulnerable I am in your presence. After spending the past several years hiding behind an emotional mask this is a scary concept, its difficult to put my faith in you fearing that I've destroyed any faith you had in me. Yet I'm tired of living in the shadow of fear, and I realize that emotionally withdrawing myself from you only fosters the pain I'm attempting to avoid. It's for this reason that I write to you despite the chance of looking pathetic and being rejected, for how can you have faith in me without me having some in you. I suppose then the choice is yours, you can throw me by the wayside or can embrace me for who I am, but either way a decision must be made for the perpetuation of this uncertainty will be my ultimate undoing.If by chance you have yet to succumb to boredom or contempt, I would ask that you would call me, e-mail me, something, anything - I would love to hear from you. By the way the prom is the twenty fifth, so please consider accompanying me. It seemed like you were avoiding an answer when I asked the other day, and unless your working the night shift whether your working or not shouldn't really matter. I need to know soon, and although I would go with or without you, it wouldn't be the same without you there.I pray that this letter doesn't come off as upsurd or otherwise inappropriate, and would love to use the excuse that I'm not a man of words. That however, would be a lie. It seems simply that I'm not a man of words around you. I guess that's because I'm one for thought, and I'm beginning to think that Shakespeare was right in theorizing that thought was the enemy of action. In light of that statement I will bring this letter to conclusion before I lose the will to send it. I know this letter wasn't exactly romantic, even though it may be able to pass for it in a pathetic sort of way. I guess it was just more important to spill onto the page those thoughts which brought me the most concern, rather than those of frill and fancy. Of course if your one for the lines that have been festering in my head there's always such pathetic ramblings as - "I await your presence like that of the sun, for as with the sun all else is condemned to darkness.", and "Thoughts of you are haunting me like a living breathing nightmare, embodied by a beautiful face, a gorgeous body, and a personality that brightens the room almost as much as your smile. Yet it is this perfection that makes the suffering all the worse, for the pain is not wrought by its presence but by its absence. Put simply I miss you, and the mere thought that this feeling is not mutual plagues me like a disease. It inflicts such pangs of conscience that I cannot properly function, and instead I find myself searching indefinitely for the source of your displeasure." Personally, I find these lines to be a bit much - not because of any falsity on their part but rather due to their close ties to the romantic idealism that has followed me since my youth. But then again I'm rambling again and should probably shut up before I scare you away entirely. I miss you babe, and I hope to see you soon. love, Eric PS - I'm so afraid to send this I feel obligated to reference the time stamp on the e-mail, and I reserve the right to cite sleep deprivation as the reason for the slightly absurd nature of this letter. Here goes - well everything.
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