Missing My Rock
I miss my Ben.
It feels as though my energy is shifting, opening up. I've been very closed since coming here, but now I feel a lot of my old energies coming back. The problem is, I dont' know how to balance them with my new energy.
It's interesting, before it was constantly up swings and down swings - with the ups being great and the downs being really shitty. Here it's been very middle-of-the-road. Extremes related to science, and annoyances at opinions/attitudes, but not much other life experiences. Yet, here - without the super highs leading to super lows - here is where I got depressed, truly depressed. Life lost all color, all I could taste was death in my mouth, everything seemed futile.
Going home last summer woke me a bit. Took me back to the finger lakes and made me smell memories of Laurel. That gave me a new goal, and created the need for family I don't think I ever truly had in that way. But it wasn't everything. Then I think Eric awoke something in me, releasing the super-crusher inside and reminding me how important I've always considered love to be...even in my unrequited kingdom. And boy did I crush....I couldn't even limit it to one guy, which I've really NEVER done before.
This semester, something more changed. Getting my work done more efficently than I have since I came here. And now...this....
I've been listening to a lot of old 90s music the past week, and I think it's finally worked its way into my energy. Maybe it's a beauty thing - and I'm really coming out of the last bit of the depression. Although I complained about life sucking a lot in HS and even in parts of Lyco, it was all socially related. Friends ignoring me, being invisible, still not having a boyfriend. But there was still beauty - boys were beautiful, nature was beautiful, and music was beautiful.
My Tarot recently has been a big conflict between getting everything I want and not being able to move anywhere. Last night's was the most up and down I've ever seen it, with a Death card in the midst. I know I'm changing, the trouble is I don't know how. Donna has told me various times I need to let go of the old me and embrace the new me. I understand I need to let go of old hurts - need to get over the mean comments in the yearbook, the being forgotten to take to events, the being looked through while talking - and while I don't really think I can just let go the "Julie's not important" lesson until I finally feel important, I get it....but I'm not going to kiss all the rest goodbye in the process. The new me might be more confident and get more enjoyment from looking in a mirror - but I also feel like I'm letting life pass me by.
Cried at HS graduation cause all I did was what anyone ever told me to do.
My senior year at Lyco totally made sure I didn't have those same feelings at my college graduation. But, here I am again.
And today became completely aware that the social fears are still alive and well. Donna got me to the xmas party, where I got smashed and had a great time because of Deah. But it's a lot more than just not knowing what to say - and Ryan doesn't realize that.
I need someone to walk with. I need someone I can be completely honest with. I desperately need to be truly me, and I need someone I can be that with. I can feel her...I can taste her. But I'm afraid that as soon as I stand up she's gonna slip away again.
I miss my Ben.
It feels as though my energy is shifting, opening up. I've been very closed since coming here, but now I feel a lot of my old energies coming back. The problem is, I dont' know how to balance them with my new energy.
It's interesting, before it was constantly up swings and down swings - with the ups being great and the downs being really shitty. Here it's been very middle-of-the-road. Extremes related to science, and annoyances at opinions/attitudes, but not much other life experiences. Yet, here - without the super highs leading to super lows - here is where I got depressed, truly depressed. Life lost all color, all I could taste was death in my mouth, everything seemed futile.
Going home last summer woke me a bit. Took me back to the finger lakes and made me smell memories of Laurel. That gave me a new goal, and created the need for family I don't think I ever truly had in that way. But it wasn't everything. Then I think Eric awoke something in me, releasing the super-crusher inside and reminding me how important I've always considered love to be...even in my unrequited kingdom. And boy did I crush....I couldn't even limit it to one guy, which I've really NEVER done before.
This semester, something more changed. Getting my work done more efficently than I have since I came here. And now...this....
I've been listening to a lot of old 90s music the past week, and I think it's finally worked its way into my energy. Maybe it's a beauty thing - and I'm really coming out of the last bit of the depression. Although I complained about life sucking a lot in HS and even in parts of Lyco, it was all socially related. Friends ignoring me, being invisible, still not having a boyfriend. But there was still beauty - boys were beautiful, nature was beautiful, and music was beautiful.
My Tarot recently has been a big conflict between getting everything I want and not being able to move anywhere. Last night's was the most up and down I've ever seen it, with a Death card in the midst. I know I'm changing, the trouble is I don't know how. Donna has told me various times I need to let go of the old me and embrace the new me. I understand I need to let go of old hurts - need to get over the mean comments in the yearbook, the being forgotten to take to events, the being looked through while talking - and while I don't really think I can just let go the "Julie's not important" lesson until I finally feel important, I get it....but I'm not going to kiss all the rest goodbye in the process. The new me might be more confident and get more enjoyment from looking in a mirror - but I also feel like I'm letting life pass me by.
Cried at HS graduation cause all I did was what anyone ever told me to do.
My senior year at Lyco totally made sure I didn't have those same feelings at my college graduation. But, here I am again.
And today became completely aware that the social fears are still alive and well. Donna got me to the xmas party, where I got smashed and had a great time because of Deah. But it's a lot more than just not knowing what to say - and Ryan doesn't realize that.
I need someone to walk with. I need someone I can be completely honest with. I desperately need to be truly me, and I need someone I can be that with. I can feel her...I can taste her. But I'm afraid that as soon as I stand up she's gonna slip away again.
I miss my Ben.