Here goes nothing...
Highlander 5x01 - ‘Prophecy’, or ‘How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Witch’
Disclaimer and warnings: Obviously, the Highlander franchise isn’t mine in any way shape or form. I’m just borrowing them. This is meant to be an amusing review, and contains some language, and my slightly twisted sense of humour (I also snuck in one gag from Futurama). Please take it all with a grain of salt, and enjoy!
Meet your hosts:
D = Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod (All round good guy and handy with a katana)
M = Methos (The old and smart-arsed one)
J = Joe Dawson (Watcher, bluesman, barman, cooler than you)
[In a apartment, far far away, three friends gather for a night of TV watching. Copious amounts of alcohol may have been imbibed]
M - Remind me why I’m doing this again?
J - You’re bored.
D - Free popcorn.
J - And you enjoy mocking us.
M - Oh yes. But why are we starting with season 5? silvercobwebs isn’t exactly being terribly linear with this.
D - It’s her favourite season, and this was the closest episode to hand.
M - …and what kind of name is silvercobwebs anyway? Teeny bopper? Goth?
J - You’re bordering on the meta-meta again, Methos. How about you shut up, stop confusing everyone and enjoy the damn episode, OK?
M - I’m not even in this one.
J - Neither am I. Just be glad were not watching the first season.
[A DVD appears, Play is pressed and popcorn is consumed]
M - ‘Prophecy’, eh?
[The episode menu appears, featuring Cassandra’s visage]
M - Oh, crap.
D - Don’t make me kill you before the opening credits.
[Scene - New York, a mysterious stranger walks into a detective’s office]
M - Oooh, suspicious twinkly music. He’s pegged for Bad Guy of the Week.
[‘I’m Roland Kantos’]
M - Ding ding ding!
D - No, you don’t get a cookie.
[‘…her name is Cassandra’]
J - She gets in trouble pretty fast.
M - You’re not wrong.
[Kantos uses the Voice]
J - That’s gotta be handy at parties.
D - Or world domination.
M - And at the queue for the bar.
[‘…a body that would stop your heart’]
[J and M look to D, who fails to perfect his ‘a gentleman never tells’ look.]
[Kantos continues to use the Voice on the soon-to-be-doomed detective, who attempts to resist.]
M - He’s either not very good at this, or they’re drawing it out unnecessarily.
D - It’s called dramatic emphasis. You probably know it as ‘jerking people about’.
[‘…she had to find someone’]
M - No prizes for guessing who. You know, I could probably write this kind of thing quite easily, if I weren’t contradicting all laws of canon and reality, I mean.
D - Stop with the meta-meta!
M - Oh, get a grip. It’s just a TV show.
D - And we’re ‘just’ the - . Ah, forget it.
[Detective hands over his gun and Kantos shoots him]
M - Let me get this straight. Kantos has the Voice. Why didn’t he get the guy to kill himself? Amateur.
D - More of a power-mad idiot.
J - I think he likes the sound of his own voice just a little too much.
[Kantos ‘hints’ to the other detective - ‘There’s been a suicide’]
J - Those guys must have a real crappy forensics department if they can’t work out the guy didn’t kill him. There were prints everywhere.
M - Curse you, pesky reality!
[Fade out and Joe’s voiceover begins over the opening credits]
J - Finally, I get to say something. You know, I sound pretty good doing this.
M - Next thing you know you’ll be the voiceover guy for the summer blockbusters. ‘In a world without justice, our only hope for survival is a pony-tailed bloke in a skirt…’
J - Hey, it’s gotta pay better than this.
D - Kilt! It’s called a kilt!
[‘I’m a Watcher, part of a secret society…’]
D - Not so very secret now is it?
M - Hey, is that me falling off a bridge? God, that was cold.
D - This is my show, and you have to find the one tiny moment in the opening credits where you might possibly have appeared. Typical.
[. ‘…but never interfere.’]
M - How’s that working out for you, Joseph?
J - So maybe it needs updating.
[‘…in the end there can be only one. May it be Duncan MacLeod’]
D - Thanks.
J - Always rooting for you buddy.
M - What am I? Chopped liver?
[And out bursts ‘Princes of the Universe’]
M - Ah, the best bit.
D - You like Queen?
M - Who doesn’t?
D - Plenty of people.
J - You know, it’s not exactly a good sign when you don’t like the group singing your own theme tune.
D - Can’t we just fast-forward through this part?
J - OK, alright. It gets a bit repetitive after a while.
M - What is a Prince of the Universe anyway? I mean, if we’re both ones, doesn’t that devalue the whole concept? Are there Lords of the Universe? Archdukes?
D - Doesn’t even come with any perks either.
J - Bitch, bitch, bitch…
[The end of the opening credits]
M - How’d you get your katana to make such a loud swishy sound?
D - Practise. Besides, it scares the crap out of the cameraman.
[Scene - the empty Dojo, Seacouver, and D walks back in]
M - You look rough.
D - I’ve looked worse.
M - Oh yes, there was that little bobble hat phase and gratuitous amounts of stubble.
D - Yeah, strangely that Dark Quickening didn’t inspire me to reach for a Bic.
[Buzz, and D walks into his apartment. ‘Honey, I’m home’]
M - How original.
D - Better than ‘Candygram!’
M - That was cute!
J - Guys…
M - Do you always hold your sword like that?
D - Like what?
M - So… phallic-like.
D - How old are you again? Twelve?
[Cassandra is waiting for him. ‘Don’t you know me?’]
M - You know I never did ask what happened with her accent. She sounds like a Yank doing a bad impersonation.
J - How perceptive. I think you’ve smashed the fourth wall now. We’re pretty much wading through the dust.
M - Doesn’t stop her sounding odd. Her vowels are wonky.
D - Leave off her accent. She probably travels a lot.
M - I should’ve known you’d get touchy over that.
[We cut from Cassandra to our first flashback. Scottish Highlands, 1606]
D - ‘Highlands’? That’s as specific as they can get?
M - Evidently. Now shush, I’m waiting to see the wee MacLeod.
[Young Mac enters]
M - Well aren’t you just precious?
D - I’ll have you know I was a strapping young lad.
M - With a pageboy hairdo.
D - If you use the words ‘cute’ or ‘adorable’ in the next hour, I’m taking your head with a rusty butter knife.
M - How about I just pinch your cheeks?
[The clansmen discuss the sheep-stealing wolf]
M - Remind me, were you supposed to be Scottish, Irish, or just a kind of generic Gaelic clan?
J - Accents were different back then, right Mac?
M - Not that different.
D - I’m pleading the Fifth.
[‘We’ll set up a lamb for bait.’]
M - So that would be Mac’s little friend’s role, yes?
D - Do you have even one ounce of sensitivity in your body?
M - Yes. Just not for redshirts.
D - He wasn’t cannon-fodder, Mr Smarty Pants.
M - Gasp! You slash me with your words.
[The finally plan to kill the wolf. A clansman refuses however, to venture into Donan Woods]
M - Wait, he’d follow your father into the bowels of Hell, but not through a nature trail?
[Ranting Tom speaks of the notorious witch. ‘She waits for the one born on the Winter Solstice’]
M - My, you are popular. Well, you, or one of the hundred other children born on the same day.
[The jerk clansman (with extraordinarily shiny hair) proceeds to scare/tease Mac and wee Robert]
M - I never realised you had access to so much conditioner in the wilds of Scotland.
D - It’s because we’re worth it.
[The boys bicker]
J - Wetting your kilt?
D - Hush.
M - Really, it’s just far too adorable all round. You young scamps.
D - I warned you about that word.
J - You know sometimes I just can’t tell when you’re kidding, Methos.
D - And sometimes I don’t want to know.
[They enter Donan Woods]
M - Kids. Gotta love how endearingly stupid you both are. No, really.
[Robert: ‘What is she turns me into a toad?’ Young Mac: ‘Who’d know the difference?’]
J - I think I like you as a kid.
M - The real tragedy is - there are no incriminating pictures around.
D - Your sentimentality is overwhelming.
M - Really, I’m just a big softie.
D - Just like a Rottweiler.
[The boys are chased by the wolf, and Young Mac picks up a large stick in an attempt to defend himself]
M - Always playing hero, aren’t you?
D - I don’t hear you complain when it saves your scrawny hide.
M - Fair point.
[Young Mac falls unconscious and wakes up in Cassandra’s gingerbread house cottage]
M - Coincidental, that wolf skin, complete with head, lying there right next to you after a wolf just leapt at you.
J - It’s kinda morbid, if she really can turn into a wolf, isn’t it?
[Young Mac explores and walks out to see Cassandra bathing]
J - Subtle, isn’t she?
M - That’s the most strategically placed mist I’ve ever seen.
D - Annoyingly true.
[Young Mac: ‘You look beautiful’]
M - Did you always blurt out every thought that entered your head MacLeod?
D - I was just a kid.
M - You’re lucky you weren’t a dead kid.
[They talk]
J - Is she hitting on you?
D - No, it was -
M - Completely hitting on you.
J - You were, what, fourteen?
M - And she was about three thousand. Talk about your toy boys.
D - Actually, I was thirteen.
J - Yowch.
[Fast-forward to the present where D and Cassandra are outside, by the sea, near some rocks. The rocks come in handy later. Rocks FTW, yo.]
[‘I went back to that forest a hundred times and never found you.’]
M - It’s called a brush-off Mac.
J - The original ‘I’ll call you’.
M - You really were a glutton for punishment, weren’t you?
D - Hey!
J - And why’s she telling him she’s Immortal? We just skipped four hundred years. We all figured it out.
M - Well, it was either that, or she perfected cryogenics before anyone else had even considered the concept.
J - You think you could freeze an Immortal’s head and bring them back a million years later?
M - Joe, have you and your little buddies been playing at mad scientists again?
D - That’s really quite disturbing.
J - Just a thought.
D - Keep it a thought.
[They talk of The Prophecy]
M - She goes on about this Prophecy a lot.
D - At least you didn’t have to stand there and listen. You can fast-forward.
M - I watched it. I can’t unwatch it.
[Cassandra: ‘…to challenge the voice of death.’]
J - You know, an argument could be made that she was talking about -
M - Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.
J - You’re touchy today.
D - Don’t tell me, it was just another ‘thought’?
J - More of a theory.
D - Are you putting bets on the two of us now or something?
J - Watcher confidentiality, couldn’t possibly say. Although if you’re going to place a wager, Mac, I’d stick with you.
M - Very classy.
J - You’re just pissy because your odds have gone down.
M - My odds?
J - Watcher thing. You already lost your chance to get in on the good stuff.
M - Missed out on the pension plan too, damnit.
[Buzz from Kantos, and Cassandra put her hands to her head in a somewhat familiar pose…]
M - Tragedy!
J - When the feelin’s gone and you can’t go on, it’s -
D - Torturous.
M - Spoilsport.
[Kantos holds out his sword in what is presumed to be a threatening or challenging gesture]
J - I think he has a flair for the dramatic.
M - I think I’ve seen him on Broadway. Les Mis?
[Cassandra: ‘You can’t win!’ D: Your confidence is overwhelming.’]
M - You never have learned to heed a warning, have you?
[Kantos introduces himself via a flashback]
[Maybe Not So Mad Tom: ‘It’s the witch. She’s taken him.’]
M - His hair is incredible. It looks alive.
J - I think he’s stoned.
D - Most probably drunk. Again.
[Robert returns from the woods and is manhandled by Iain MacLeod.]
[R: ‘The wolf! The wolf! It’s the wolf’]
M - Think it had something to do with the wolf?
[Kantos enters, dressed up in furs and leather.]
M - Common theme, I’ve noticed. An excess of leather seems to equate with being evil.
D - But didn’t you wear -
M - Or sexy. Evil or sexy.
[Kantos concocts a cock and bull story about a lost son, a foundling. Mr and Mrs MacLeod wisely keep schtum. Kantos ain’t getting far]
J - Well, he’s convincing.
D - It must be the heartfelt emotion he puts behind every word.
M - Rather like he’s reading out a train timetable.
[Kantos, re Robert. ‘But that’s not him.’]
M - Because I can visualise what my abandoned son would look like at thirteen with no difficulty whatsoever.
J - Wow, he’s even more full of shit than you are.
M - Thanks.
[After Kantos fails to effectively use the Voice on Mary MacLeod, we return to the cottage with Young Mac and Cassandra.]
J - Wowzers, now that’s an outfit. She’s got huge -
M - …tracts of land. What? The Pythons stole that gag from me you know.
D - Thoughts of her in that dress got me though many a cold night.
J - No wonder you were sitting down.
[They discuss Young Mac’s dream and Cassandra kisses him]
J - Lady, do you know the definition of ‘jailbait’?
[They talk more and the ‘legend’ of Connor is mentioned]
M - Manipulative little thing, isn’t she?
J - [chokes on his drink]
D - Gee, I wonder who she picked that up from Methos?
M - I didn’t say it was a bad thing.
[They speak of the wolf. Young Mac: ‘Good must always triumph over evil.’]
M - Touching. Anyone got anything handy to vomit into?
D - So maybe I was a naive kid.
M - It would almost be endearing if it weren’t so nauseating.
[We flash back after the MacLeod reunion, and D and Kantos begin to fight.]
M - Why do you always pick the most awkward terrain possible to fight on?
D - Oh, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll try to find somewhere more to your liking.
[Kantos uses the Voice on D, and Cassandra watches them]
J - Well she’s being real helpful.
D - Joe, you know the rules. No interference.
M - She could have at least got some pom-poms out, started jumping up and down, that sort of thing.
[Cassandra screams, breaking Kantos’ spell]
J - Holy crap that’s loud!
M - And painfully shrill.
[Cassandra helps D up after he takes a tumble down the rocks]
M - How does she get around wearing those heels?
J - I think it’s one of those elusive female mysteries we shouldn’t ever try to figure out.
M - She’s just asking for a twisted ankle.
D - Like you care.
M - I care about good arch support.
[Kantos stumbles back, apparently exhausted]
D - What’s he got to be so tired over really? It’s not like he just, say, fell off a freaking cliff.
[Back at D’s]
M - She could have warned you a little more specifically perhaps? She had all that time in the car. And in the loft, and the -
D - I always said I liked a woman with a bit of mystery.
M - There’s mystery, and there’s gaping holes of potentially life-saving information.
[The truth comes out that Kantos used to be Cassandra’s student]
M - She really knows how to pick ‘em.
D - Methos? Glass house. Stones. Stop throwing them.
[Cassandra speaks of seeing D’s future]
M - I actually think her accent gets progressively worse.
J - You know I think you’re right.
D - No comment.
M - Wuss.
[Cassandra: ‘I see death, Duncan.’]
M - No pointed looks, if you don’t mind.
J - Persecution complex?
M - It’s not if they’re really out to get you.
[Buzz, and Kantos enters the Dojo and Cassandra does the hands to head thing again]
M - Three millennia, and she hasn’t got used to a Presence? I call shenanigans.
J - You’re saying she’s a poseur?
M - Well imagine if she was wielding heavy power tools or something and felt a buzz?
J - Owch.
[Cassandra uses the Voice to stop D from confronting Kantos, and they leave. Kantos searches for them]
J - Uh, shouldn’t he already know you’re gone?
D - I told you he was an idiot.
[They go to holy ground, Cassandra recites the prophecy again. Meanwhile, Kantos uses the Voice to manipulate a couple of cops]
M - Now that’s a much better plan.
D - Whose side are you on?
M - I’m being objective, that’s all.
[D asks for help, and Cassandra tells him to use the prophecy, and somehow sends D back into his past to see himself as a child]
M - Was all that really necessary?
D - I think we had a couple of minutes to fill.
[The police attempt to arrest D, and there’s a chase scene]
M - That old chestnut? There’s always a handy alley nearby, isn’t there?
J - Did those policemen just ran you over then arrest you? Wouldn’t most people ring for an ambulance?
D - Well, they were under Kantos’ influence.
J - And that’s what made them jerks?
[D’s taken to an abandoned warehouse type place. D: ‘You waited four hundred years for this?’]
D - I mean, he could have at least baked me a cake or something.
M - He left you to do what exactly? Get in some quality gloating time?
D - Classic mistake.
J - Yeah, because he really should have just taken your head there and then, Mac…
M - And why did he give you the key to the cuffs? It’s not like he was after a fair fight.
D - Well a one-handed fight scene wouldn’t have been so interesting otherwise.
M - Oh, I don’t know.
[D sees himself again]
J - Do you think you messed yourself up at all by seeing yourself in the future?
D - Nope.
M - You’re just messing up Relativity Theory instead.
J - But shouldn’t the universe explode or something if you’ve met yourself?
D - You’ve been watching ‘Back to the Future’ again, haven’t you?
J - The third one’s my favourite.
[The two D’s chat. Young Mac: I’ll have many strong sons.’]
M - You’re in for some nasty surprises, kid. Better get used to it.
J - You’re like an evil Doctor Phil, you know.
M - Doctor who?
D - Actually that’s probably more accurate.
M - What the hell are you talking about? Is the ‘Inner child’ anvil beyond-a-metaphor thing over with yet?
[D and Kantos finally fight properly, and Kantos appears to be successfully utilising the Voice.]
M - But if you stuffed your ears with wax, are you lip reading and pretending to be affected, or are the plugs not working?
D - You’re ruining my moment again.
[D removes the earplugs after taking Kantos’ head - D: ‘Couldn’t hear a word you said.’]
M - See?!
J - Are you the guy at the movies who starts to loudly point out every little plot hole? ‘Cos I really hate that guy.
[Quickening]
M - Ooh, pretty.
D - I’m sorry, did you just say ‘pretty’?
M - Aesthetically pleasing then. I’ve just never taken a head that came with a background pattern burnt into the floor. Or a montage, for that matter.
J - Just looks pretty painful to me.
D - No pain, no gain.
M - Oh, for the love of… The prophecy again?! It’s like a bad accent convention.
D - You’re not nice.
[Back to D and Cassandra in the loft, ‘romantic’ music plays, and Cassandra mentions that ‘There is one more thing…’ as she advances toward D]
J - …and I’m still thinking about thirteen year-old you and her.
M - You’re not the only one slightly disturbed by it. It’s almost mildly incestuous in a way.
D - It wasn’t anything like that!
M - Don’t worry, Mac. Can you show us on the doll where she touched you? Was it your Special Place?
D - Right, that’s enough. Remember what I said about that rusty butter knife? Well that’s going to feel like paradise compared to what I’m about to do to you now.
[M flees, and D runs after him. J is left alone, end credits rolling.]
J - So… Same time next week?
+++
So that's it. Thanks for reading! All comments, constructive criticism etc are more than welcomed.
If by any chance you'd like to see more, or a specific episode (seasons 3-6 please, I don't have access to s1 & 2 at the moment) then drop me a comment and I'll see what I can do.
And if this has sucked beyond belief, consider it one of many failed experiments, and it shall never be mentioned again. : )
Disclaimer and warnings: Obviously, the Highlander franchise isn’t mine in any way shape or form. I’m just borrowing them. This is meant to be an amusing review, and contains some language, and my slightly twisted sense of humour (I also snuck in one gag from Futurama). Please take it all with a grain of salt, and enjoy!
Meet your hosts:
D = Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod (All round good guy and handy with a katana)
M = Methos (The old and smart-arsed one)
J = Joe Dawson (Watcher, bluesman, barman, cooler than you)
[In a apartment, far far away, three friends gather for a night of TV watching. Copious amounts of alcohol may have been imbibed]
M - Remind me why I’m doing this again?
J - You’re bored.
D - Free popcorn.
J - And you enjoy mocking us.
M - Oh yes. But why are we starting with season 5? silvercobwebs isn’t exactly being terribly linear with this.
D - It’s her favourite season, and this was the closest episode to hand.
M - …and what kind of name is silvercobwebs anyway? Teeny bopper? Goth?
J - You’re bordering on the meta-meta again, Methos. How about you shut up, stop confusing everyone and enjoy the damn episode, OK?
M - I’m not even in this one.
J - Neither am I. Just be glad were not watching the first season.
[A DVD appears, Play is pressed and popcorn is consumed]
M - ‘Prophecy’, eh?
[The episode menu appears, featuring Cassandra’s visage]
M - Oh, crap.
D - Don’t make me kill you before the opening credits.
[Scene - New York, a mysterious stranger walks into a detective’s office]
M - Oooh, suspicious twinkly music. He’s pegged for Bad Guy of the Week.
[‘I’m Roland Kantos’]
M - Ding ding ding!
D - No, you don’t get a cookie.
[‘…her name is Cassandra’]
J - She gets in trouble pretty fast.
M - You’re not wrong.
[Kantos uses the Voice]
J - That’s gotta be handy at parties.
D - Or world domination.
M - And at the queue for the bar.
[‘…a body that would stop your heart’]
[J and M look to D, who fails to perfect his ‘a gentleman never tells’ look.]
[Kantos continues to use the Voice on the soon-to-be-doomed detective, who attempts to resist.]
M - He’s either not very good at this, or they’re drawing it out unnecessarily.
D - It’s called dramatic emphasis. You probably know it as ‘jerking people about’.
[‘…she had to find someone’]
M - No prizes for guessing who. You know, I could probably write this kind of thing quite easily, if I weren’t contradicting all laws of canon and reality, I mean.
D - Stop with the meta-meta!
M - Oh, get a grip. It’s just a TV show.
D - And we’re ‘just’ the - . Ah, forget it.
[Detective hands over his gun and Kantos shoots him]
M - Let me get this straight. Kantos has the Voice. Why didn’t he get the guy to kill himself? Amateur.
D - More of a power-mad idiot.
J - I think he likes the sound of his own voice just a little too much.
[Kantos ‘hints’ to the other detective - ‘There’s been a suicide’]
J - Those guys must have a real crappy forensics department if they can’t work out the guy didn’t kill him. There were prints everywhere.
M - Curse you, pesky reality!
[Fade out and Joe’s voiceover begins over the opening credits]
J - Finally, I get to say something. You know, I sound pretty good doing this.
M - Next thing you know you’ll be the voiceover guy for the summer blockbusters. ‘In a world without justice, our only hope for survival is a pony-tailed bloke in a skirt…’
J - Hey, it’s gotta pay better than this.
D - Kilt! It’s called a kilt!
[‘I’m a Watcher, part of a secret society…’]
D - Not so very secret now is it?
M - Hey, is that me falling off a bridge? God, that was cold.
D - This is my show, and you have to find the one tiny moment in the opening credits where you might possibly have appeared. Typical.
[. ‘…but never interfere.’]
M - How’s that working out for you, Joseph?
J - So maybe it needs updating.
[‘…in the end there can be only one. May it be Duncan MacLeod’]
D - Thanks.
J - Always rooting for you buddy.
M - What am I? Chopped liver?
[And out bursts ‘Princes of the Universe’]
M - Ah, the best bit.
D - You like Queen?
M - Who doesn’t?
D - Plenty of people.
J - You know, it’s not exactly a good sign when you don’t like the group singing your own theme tune.
D - Can’t we just fast-forward through this part?
J - OK, alright. It gets a bit repetitive after a while.
M - What is a Prince of the Universe anyway? I mean, if we’re both ones, doesn’t that devalue the whole concept? Are there Lords of the Universe? Archdukes?
D - Doesn’t even come with any perks either.
J - Bitch, bitch, bitch…
[The end of the opening credits]
M - How’d you get your katana to make such a loud swishy sound?
D - Practise. Besides, it scares the crap out of the cameraman.
[Scene - the empty Dojo, Seacouver, and D walks back in]
M - You look rough.
D - I’ve looked worse.
M - Oh yes, there was that little bobble hat phase and gratuitous amounts of stubble.
D - Yeah, strangely that Dark Quickening didn’t inspire me to reach for a Bic.
[Buzz, and D walks into his apartment. ‘Honey, I’m home’]
M - How original.
D - Better than ‘Candygram!’
M - That was cute!
J - Guys…
M - Do you always hold your sword like that?
D - Like what?
M - So… phallic-like.
D - How old are you again? Twelve?
[Cassandra is waiting for him. ‘Don’t you know me?’]
M - You know I never did ask what happened with her accent. She sounds like a Yank doing a bad impersonation.
J - How perceptive. I think you’ve smashed the fourth wall now. We’re pretty much wading through the dust.
M - Doesn’t stop her sounding odd. Her vowels are wonky.
D - Leave off her accent. She probably travels a lot.
M - I should’ve known you’d get touchy over that.
[We cut from Cassandra to our first flashback. Scottish Highlands, 1606]
D - ‘Highlands’? That’s as specific as they can get?
M - Evidently. Now shush, I’m waiting to see the wee MacLeod.
[Young Mac enters]
M - Well aren’t you just precious?
D - I’ll have you know I was a strapping young lad.
M - With a pageboy hairdo.
D - If you use the words ‘cute’ or ‘adorable’ in the next hour, I’m taking your head with a rusty butter knife.
M - How about I just pinch your cheeks?
[The clansmen discuss the sheep-stealing wolf]
M - Remind me, were you supposed to be Scottish, Irish, or just a kind of generic Gaelic clan?
J - Accents were different back then, right Mac?
M - Not that different.
D - I’m pleading the Fifth.
[‘We’ll set up a lamb for bait.’]
M - So that would be Mac’s little friend’s role, yes?
D - Do you have even one ounce of sensitivity in your body?
M - Yes. Just not for redshirts.
D - He wasn’t cannon-fodder, Mr Smarty Pants.
M - Gasp! You slash me with your words.
[The finally plan to kill the wolf. A clansman refuses however, to venture into Donan Woods]
M - Wait, he’d follow your father into the bowels of Hell, but not through a nature trail?
[Ranting Tom speaks of the notorious witch. ‘She waits for the one born on the Winter Solstice’]
M - My, you are popular. Well, you, or one of the hundred other children born on the same day.
[The jerk clansman (with extraordinarily shiny hair) proceeds to scare/tease Mac and wee Robert]
M - I never realised you had access to so much conditioner in the wilds of Scotland.
D - It’s because we’re worth it.
[The boys bicker]
J - Wetting your kilt?
D - Hush.
M - Really, it’s just far too adorable all round. You young scamps.
D - I warned you about that word.
J - You know sometimes I just can’t tell when you’re kidding, Methos.
D - And sometimes I don’t want to know.
[They enter Donan Woods]
M - Kids. Gotta love how endearingly stupid you both are. No, really.
[Robert: ‘What is she turns me into a toad?’ Young Mac: ‘Who’d know the difference?’]
J - I think I like you as a kid.
M - The real tragedy is - there are no incriminating pictures around.
D - Your sentimentality is overwhelming.
M - Really, I’m just a big softie.
D - Just like a Rottweiler.
[The boys are chased by the wolf, and Young Mac picks up a large stick in an attempt to defend himself]
M - Always playing hero, aren’t you?
D - I don’t hear you complain when it saves your scrawny hide.
M - Fair point.
[Young Mac falls unconscious and wakes up in Cassandra’s gingerbread house cottage]
M - Coincidental, that wolf skin, complete with head, lying there right next to you after a wolf just leapt at you.
J - It’s kinda morbid, if she really can turn into a wolf, isn’t it?
[Young Mac explores and walks out to see Cassandra bathing]
J - Subtle, isn’t she?
M - That’s the most strategically placed mist I’ve ever seen.
D - Annoyingly true.
[Young Mac: ‘You look beautiful’]
M - Did you always blurt out every thought that entered your head MacLeod?
D - I was just a kid.
M - You’re lucky you weren’t a dead kid.
[They talk]
J - Is she hitting on you?
D - No, it was -
M - Completely hitting on you.
J - You were, what, fourteen?
M - And she was about three thousand. Talk about your toy boys.
D - Actually, I was thirteen.
J - Yowch.
[Fast-forward to the present where D and Cassandra are outside, by the sea, near some rocks. The rocks come in handy later. Rocks FTW, yo.]
[‘I went back to that forest a hundred times and never found you.’]
M - It’s called a brush-off Mac.
J - The original ‘I’ll call you’.
M - You really were a glutton for punishment, weren’t you?
D - Hey!
J - And why’s she telling him she’s Immortal? We just skipped four hundred years. We all figured it out.
M - Well, it was either that, or she perfected cryogenics before anyone else had even considered the concept.
J - You think you could freeze an Immortal’s head and bring them back a million years later?
M - Joe, have you and your little buddies been playing at mad scientists again?
D - That’s really quite disturbing.
J - Just a thought.
D - Keep it a thought.
[They talk of The Prophecy]
M - She goes on about this Prophecy a lot.
D - At least you didn’t have to stand there and listen. You can fast-forward.
M - I watched it. I can’t unwatch it.
[Cassandra: ‘…to challenge the voice of death.’]
J - You know, an argument could be made that she was talking about -
M - Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.
J - You’re touchy today.
D - Don’t tell me, it was just another ‘thought’?
J - More of a theory.
D - Are you putting bets on the two of us now or something?
J - Watcher confidentiality, couldn’t possibly say. Although if you’re going to place a wager, Mac, I’d stick with you.
M - Very classy.
J - You’re just pissy because your odds have gone down.
M - My odds?
J - Watcher thing. You already lost your chance to get in on the good stuff.
M - Missed out on the pension plan too, damnit.
[Buzz from Kantos, and Cassandra put her hands to her head in a somewhat familiar pose…]
M - Tragedy!
J - When the feelin’s gone and you can’t go on, it’s -
D - Torturous.
M - Spoilsport.
[Kantos holds out his sword in what is presumed to be a threatening or challenging gesture]
J - I think he has a flair for the dramatic.
M - I think I’ve seen him on Broadway. Les Mis?
[Cassandra: ‘You can’t win!’ D: Your confidence is overwhelming.’]
M - You never have learned to heed a warning, have you?
[Kantos introduces himself via a flashback]
[Maybe Not So Mad Tom: ‘It’s the witch. She’s taken him.’]
M - His hair is incredible. It looks alive.
J - I think he’s stoned.
D - Most probably drunk. Again.
[Robert returns from the woods and is manhandled by Iain MacLeod.]
[R: ‘The wolf! The wolf! It’s the wolf’]
M - Think it had something to do with the wolf?
[Kantos enters, dressed up in furs and leather.]
M - Common theme, I’ve noticed. An excess of leather seems to equate with being evil.
D - But didn’t you wear -
M - Or sexy. Evil or sexy.
[Kantos concocts a cock and bull story about a lost son, a foundling. Mr and Mrs MacLeod wisely keep schtum. Kantos ain’t getting far]
J - Well, he’s convincing.
D - It must be the heartfelt emotion he puts behind every word.
M - Rather like he’s reading out a train timetable.
[Kantos, re Robert. ‘But that’s not him.’]
M - Because I can visualise what my abandoned son would look like at thirteen with no difficulty whatsoever.
J - Wow, he’s even more full of shit than you are.
M - Thanks.
[After Kantos fails to effectively use the Voice on Mary MacLeod, we return to the cottage with Young Mac and Cassandra.]
J - Wowzers, now that’s an outfit. She’s got huge -
M - …tracts of land. What? The Pythons stole that gag from me you know.
D - Thoughts of her in that dress got me though many a cold night.
J - No wonder you were sitting down.
[They discuss Young Mac’s dream and Cassandra kisses him]
J - Lady, do you know the definition of ‘jailbait’?
[They talk more and the ‘legend’ of Connor is mentioned]
M - Manipulative little thing, isn’t she?
J - [chokes on his drink]
D - Gee, I wonder who she picked that up from Methos?
M - I didn’t say it was a bad thing.
[They speak of the wolf. Young Mac: ‘Good must always triumph over evil.’]
M - Touching. Anyone got anything handy to vomit into?
D - So maybe I was a naive kid.
M - It would almost be endearing if it weren’t so nauseating.
[We flash back after the MacLeod reunion, and D and Kantos begin to fight.]
M - Why do you always pick the most awkward terrain possible to fight on?
D - Oh, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll try to find somewhere more to your liking.
[Kantos uses the Voice on D, and Cassandra watches them]
J - Well she’s being real helpful.
D - Joe, you know the rules. No interference.
M - She could have at least got some pom-poms out, started jumping up and down, that sort of thing.
[Cassandra screams, breaking Kantos’ spell]
J - Holy crap that’s loud!
M - And painfully shrill.
[Cassandra helps D up after he takes a tumble down the rocks]
M - How does she get around wearing those heels?
J - I think it’s one of those elusive female mysteries we shouldn’t ever try to figure out.
M - She’s just asking for a twisted ankle.
D - Like you care.
M - I care about good arch support.
[Kantos stumbles back, apparently exhausted]
D - What’s he got to be so tired over really? It’s not like he just, say, fell off a freaking cliff.
[Back at D’s]
M - She could have warned you a little more specifically perhaps? She had all that time in the car. And in the loft, and the -
D - I always said I liked a woman with a bit of mystery.
M - There’s mystery, and there’s gaping holes of potentially life-saving information.
[The truth comes out that Kantos used to be Cassandra’s student]
M - She really knows how to pick ‘em.
D - Methos? Glass house. Stones. Stop throwing them.
[Cassandra speaks of seeing D’s future]
M - I actually think her accent gets progressively worse.
J - You know I think you’re right.
D - No comment.
M - Wuss.
[Cassandra: ‘I see death, Duncan.’]
M - No pointed looks, if you don’t mind.
J - Persecution complex?
M - It’s not if they’re really out to get you.
[Buzz, and Kantos enters the Dojo and Cassandra does the hands to head thing again]
M - Three millennia, and she hasn’t got used to a Presence? I call shenanigans.
J - You’re saying she’s a poseur?
M - Well imagine if she was wielding heavy power tools or something and felt a buzz?
J - Owch.
[Cassandra uses the Voice to stop D from confronting Kantos, and they leave. Kantos searches for them]
J - Uh, shouldn’t he already know you’re gone?
D - I told you he was an idiot.
[They go to holy ground, Cassandra recites the prophecy again. Meanwhile, Kantos uses the Voice to manipulate a couple of cops]
M - Now that’s a much better plan.
D - Whose side are you on?
M - I’m being objective, that’s all.
[D asks for help, and Cassandra tells him to use the prophecy, and somehow sends D back into his past to see himself as a child]
M - Was all that really necessary?
D - I think we had a couple of minutes to fill.
[The police attempt to arrest D, and there’s a chase scene]
M - That old chestnut? There’s always a handy alley nearby, isn’t there?
J - Did those policemen just ran you over then arrest you? Wouldn’t most people ring for an ambulance?
D - Well, they were under Kantos’ influence.
J - And that’s what made them jerks?
[D’s taken to an abandoned warehouse type place. D: ‘You waited four hundred years for this?’]
D - I mean, he could have at least baked me a cake or something.
M - He left you to do what exactly? Get in some quality gloating time?
D - Classic mistake.
J - Yeah, because he really should have just taken your head there and then, Mac…
M - And why did he give you the key to the cuffs? It’s not like he was after a fair fight.
D - Well a one-handed fight scene wouldn’t have been so interesting otherwise.
M - Oh, I don’t know.
[D sees himself again]
J - Do you think you messed yourself up at all by seeing yourself in the future?
D - Nope.
M - You’re just messing up Relativity Theory instead.
J - But shouldn’t the universe explode or something if you’ve met yourself?
D - You’ve been watching ‘Back to the Future’ again, haven’t you?
J - The third one’s my favourite.
[The two D’s chat. Young Mac: I’ll have many strong sons.’]
M - You’re in for some nasty surprises, kid. Better get used to it.
J - You’re like an evil Doctor Phil, you know.
M - Doctor who?
D - Actually that’s probably more accurate.
M - What the hell are you talking about? Is the ‘Inner child’ anvil beyond-a-metaphor thing over with yet?
[D and Kantos finally fight properly, and Kantos appears to be successfully utilising the Voice.]
M - But if you stuffed your ears with wax, are you lip reading and pretending to be affected, or are the plugs not working?
D - You’re ruining my moment again.
[D removes the earplugs after taking Kantos’ head - D: ‘Couldn’t hear a word you said.’]
M - See?!
J - Are you the guy at the movies who starts to loudly point out every little plot hole? ‘Cos I really hate that guy.
[Quickening]
M - Ooh, pretty.
D - I’m sorry, did you just say ‘pretty’?
M - Aesthetically pleasing then. I’ve just never taken a head that came with a background pattern burnt into the floor. Or a montage, for that matter.
J - Just looks pretty painful to me.
D - No pain, no gain.
M - Oh, for the love of… The prophecy again?! It’s like a bad accent convention.
D - You’re not nice.
[Back to D and Cassandra in the loft, ‘romantic’ music plays, and Cassandra mentions that ‘There is one more thing…’ as she advances toward D]
J - …and I’m still thinking about thirteen year-old you and her.
M - You’re not the only one slightly disturbed by it. It’s almost mildly incestuous in a way.
D - It wasn’t anything like that!
M - Don’t worry, Mac. Can you show us on the doll where she touched you? Was it your Special Place?
D - Right, that’s enough. Remember what I said about that rusty butter knife? Well that’s going to feel like paradise compared to what I’m about to do to you now.
[M flees, and D runs after him. J is left alone, end credits rolling.]
J - So… Same time next week?
+++
So that's it. Thanks for reading! All comments, constructive criticism etc are more than welcomed.
If by any chance you'd like to see more, or a specific episode (seasons 3-6 please, I don't have access to s1 & 2 at the moment) then drop me a comment and I'll see what I can do.
And if this has sucked beyond belief, consider it one of many failed experiments, and it shall never be mentioned again. : )