i used to talk with honest conviction..
dear you;
there's not much laughter anymore. sometimes i wonder if you notice. it's mostly yelling. and frustration and anger and hurt. everything used to be laughter. laughing and goofing off. being dumb. having fun. having fun with each other.but now... there's nothing.
sometimes i really think that the only way to solve this problem is just to end everything.
and sometimes i think that that's really what i want.
and then i realize that i'll lose all of my comfort and security and everything that's been keeping me going for the past four years. and that i'll lose everything that i had in high school.
it's as if this one thing has my whole life wrapped up in it.
it's as if you have my whole life around your finger.
and that's not how it's supposed to be. it's not how it should be. i try hard. and i do everything that i feel i can possibly do, and yet i feel all of the time that it's never enough. so i try harder, and it only makes it worse. i am at a point to where i dont know what to do anymore. and though i feel like ive said that constantly the past two and a half months, i believe it even more so now. i cannot make a right move.
there are so many great things and great people that lie ahead for me.. but i am so afraid of what that can bring. i am terrified of actually succeeding in something and having all of these new wonderful things and people. why? because for the past three years i have been wrapping everything into you.
and a majority of the time, i think that ive been lying to myself about how i really feel and what i would really like. and it's not right and it's not healthy and it makes me want out even more. i tell everyone that it's in the past and i'm over it when i know that i'm not completely. i know that from time to time i wonder, "what if?". and that from time to time when i see a shooting star or the clock has turned 11:11 i make that stupid wish. and then i feel horribly guilty about it afterwards, like ive just committed a crime.
and this is so small within the grand scheme of things, but i can't keep playing games internally and externally.
and in the morning i'll wake up and feel fine again. i'll wait for your phone call through-out the day. i'll be angry and frustrated when i dont see one by the time i go into work. i'll be upset when i dont see a missed call or voice mail when im on my way home from work tomorrow night. and then eventually i'll get over it and want to pretend like i never thought this or even wrote it.
but i just thought that at some point, you should hear all of this.
too bad you never will.
love,
me.
there's not much laughter anymore. sometimes i wonder if you notice. it's mostly yelling. and frustration and anger and hurt. everything used to be laughter. laughing and goofing off. being dumb. having fun. having fun with each other.but now... there's nothing.
sometimes i really think that the only way to solve this problem is just to end everything.
and sometimes i think that that's really what i want.
and then i realize that i'll lose all of my comfort and security and everything that's been keeping me going for the past four years. and that i'll lose everything that i had in high school.
it's as if this one thing has my whole life wrapped up in it.
it's as if you have my whole life around your finger.
and that's not how it's supposed to be. it's not how it should be. i try hard. and i do everything that i feel i can possibly do, and yet i feel all of the time that it's never enough. so i try harder, and it only makes it worse. i am at a point to where i dont know what to do anymore. and though i feel like ive said that constantly the past two and a half months, i believe it even more so now. i cannot make a right move.
there are so many great things and great people that lie ahead for me.. but i am so afraid of what that can bring. i am terrified of actually succeeding in something and having all of these new wonderful things and people. why? because for the past three years i have been wrapping everything into you.
and a majority of the time, i think that ive been lying to myself about how i really feel and what i would really like. and it's not right and it's not healthy and it makes me want out even more. i tell everyone that it's in the past and i'm over it when i know that i'm not completely. i know that from time to time i wonder, "what if?". and that from time to time when i see a shooting star or the clock has turned 11:11 i make that stupid wish. and then i feel horribly guilty about it afterwards, like ive just committed a crime.
and this is so small within the grand scheme of things, but i can't keep playing games internally and externally.
and in the morning i'll wake up and feel fine again. i'll wait for your phone call through-out the day. i'll be angry and frustrated when i dont see one by the time i go into work. i'll be upset when i dont see a missed call or voice mail when im on my way home from work tomorrow night. and then eventually i'll get over it and want to pretend like i never thought this or even wrote it.
but i just thought that at some point, you should hear all of this.
too bad you never will.
love,
me.