Dec 05, 2005 23:48
alrite...
i had an awesome night yesterday night, got drunk with marty, had tons of fun ;) and yea... then he left at about 2pm my time (or was it 2:30? dunno) and i wanted to go to bed.
dan nudged me so i stayed. a mistake. i turned from horny/funny/drunk into depressed/crying. fuck knows why. I just realised that dan means so much to me and i will probably never ever see him in my life... which made me cry. thing is, dan saw me on webcam. he tried to cheer me up but (i cant remember why) we suddenly started arguing and then he said something. I had to read it two or three times to understand he was really saying that. I blocked. I cried. I went to bed, cldnt sleep even to i was pissed and this argument completely broke me... hurt me more than some breakups with bfs...
I badly felt like cutting but about one week ago sb who is very important to me took a knife, whilst ive seen him in webcam, and told me that when I'll cut he will cut too... i cldnt... it stopped me at least this night becoz the pic of him with the knife is haunting me...
well I slept 2 hrs in the end, smoked a whole pac of fags today and cldnt think of anything else. dan came on earlier and was really different/serious... i spose he knew he hurt me and he asked me a lot of stuff today, if i was ok, if i slept in the end (he didnt sleep well either he told me), if i was still going to uk, if my day was ok, if we can still talk when im in uk and so on... (usually we mainly fool around)
well i will meet him later (3am) when he comes back from work, cant wait. I'm gonna ask him if i can send him summin for his 18th birthday which is soon... i hate the fact... HATE HATE HATE the fact he's living in america. but I start saving so that i can go there end next year.