Another Cliched Romance
A flame/criticism in responce to an email asking for my opinion from Princess18 on her fic Itte Marimasu.
Alright, I’ve
finally gotten around to looking at your fic. Sorry, it took so long, but I’ve
been rather… busy.
ANYWAY, my first
comment is that you should think about changing your penname. Princess18 is
slightly... well, let me put it this way. Numbers are usually not reliable, and
“princess” makes you sound conceited. Try something more original… like
something that most people would not think of using. I merged two things
together to create my penname, perhaps you should try something like that? It
will help as an exercise in creativity.
Also, what does “Itte
Marimasu” mean? I don’t know about you, but I don’t speak Japanese and neither
does the majority of the English speaking populace. Since your fic is posted in
English, either provide a translation or change the title to English.
Your summary gives
away too much; you should try to make it more flowing, or concentrate on
describing only the first chapter or so in it. You want readers to be intrigued,
and to keep guessing what the plot will be about. This current summary
basically gives away everything but the characters and your ending. I can
surmise, from what you have written (and not having read your fic yet) that the
main character will be about a girl who feels something is missing, or who has
a friend that has moved away a long time ago. He (the other main character)
moves back, and they go through a lot of angst, romance, and friendship. Then,
when he is suddenly gone again, she either decides to go after him, move on, or
commit suicide.
Did I guess the
plotline? If I did... that would make it rather cliché. Then, it would fall
under the category of “Long Lost Friend becomes Soulmate/Lover”.
Change the summary
so that you don’t give so much away about your plot.
I recommend that
you go back through and utilize the quickedit feature; repost this story with
formatting. I, personally, HATE quickedit, but for someone who doesn’t
understand how to post in html, quickedit is a blessing. Put spaces between
your author’s notes and your story, underline your story and chapter title… you
know, the little formatting tricks that make all the difference between a good
looking story and a pathetic one.
Urgh, well, now
that I’ve read through your current chapter/prologue/story, I can definitely
tell you that it is cliché. Unless you have something weird and unusual up your
sleeve, this romance story has been done many times before. If you do want to
keep this current plotline… I would recommend you talk to me over IM and tell
me exactly what you meant to do. I can suggest points where you could change
things, and such.
Currently,
however, you’ve got Usagi having a “secret” relationship with one of the Gundam
pilots. This is impossible for many reasons; one of the major ones being that
Usagi cannot keep a secret from the senshi to save her life. She’s talkative,
and likes to brag, especially about guys. She would have at least bragged about
how hot he was, if nothing else.
And what have you
done with Mamoru? Last I checked, they were rather... close... so you *might*
want to explain what happened to him.
Where would the
pilot and Usagi have met and fallen in love as you describe? None of the pilots
led happy-go-lucky lives in the suburbs like Usagi... so the “meeting as a
childhood friend” idea is completely crap.
Another damper on
your plotline is that how could the pilot, if “forced to go away” for long
periods of time (I’m going to assume on missions, here)... how could she send
him long letters? He could, perhaps, send her an anonymous letter so as to not
give away his location, but her, send him, letters?! No, that’s no possible.
Secrecy, ya know. Someone could track down him through her, and that’s not wise
considering the pilots often go undercover.
Your plot is also
constrained by the personalities of the Gundam pilots. Judging by the care and
emotion that the pilot shows in dealing with her, I’m going to assume that the
pilot is Quatre, or perhaps Duo if he were being particularly silent.
Uh... this is
really too short to say anything more on the subject of plot. I would really
rather prefer that you IM me (I’m always on MSN messenger or AIM) and we could
discuss this in further detail. Still, from what I can see, it is your average,
run-of-the-mill romance cliché.
“Glancing up at
the sky, the light blueness of it, she smiled.”
This is an alright
first line. I would recommend adding in an “and” before “the”, and an “all”
after “it”. Otherwise, it opens it nicely. Good description of the sky, it
shows movement, and sets down who will be really narrating the story.
The next paragraph
has very little flow. The sentences are short, and stilted, with little to no
description or emotion. It is almost as if you are just trying to convey the
relevant information as fast as you could so that you could get on to writing
the “juicy” parts. In essence, a “kindergarten teacher’s writing”. What you
need to do is work on lengthening your sentences and adding in more detail. Does
she know where he “comes back” from? Was she excited about meeting his friends?
What had he said about them? What did she think they would be like? Why would
there be people in her secret spot? How is she so sure that no one knows about
this place but him? What does the secret spot really look like?
She does, after
all, live in a very populated city whose idea of “wilderness” is a selection of
parks. There are so many people that “secret spots” are bound to be much more
populated than one would think.
“The water
pitter-pattered as it fell from the rock water fall into the clear pool at the
bottom.”
I think this is
actually a typo. Nonetheless, take out “water fall into” and replace it with “and”.
However, I am a bit at a loss here. What, exactly, are you a describing? Are
you describing a small trickle of water flowing down a rock? If so, where from?
Are you describing a waterfall falling into a small pond? This sentence doesn’t
help with the description, it just confuses it more.
“Beautiful colors
swam around in the large lake.”
Waterfalls do not
usually fall into a “large lake” unless the waterfall itself is huge. The
previous words of “clear pool at the bottom” also don’t agree with the phrase “large
lake”; rather, they denote a small, cold pond that would be perfect for wading
or a swim. Besides, a “secret spot” along a large lake probably isn’t secret.
Someone is bound to be boating or swimming or walking along the shores of the
lake. A small pond is less likely to be noticed. The phrase “beautiful colors”,
while interesting, also cannot be correct. Water does not reflect colors unless
they are in oil along the top, in the sky, or along the shore. The water itself
should have no real color other than maybe a murky brown, clear blue, or the
color of the rock/dirt underneath.
If you meant to
describe the setting *around* the pond was full of beautiful colors, then
please, make sure you do so. Mention something about how it was reflected along
the lake’s surface.
“Turning, she
walked away from the beautiful picture and walked through all of the trees
concealing the place.”
Again, there
cannot be a large lake if trees can conceal it. Also, she’s walking away from a
*picture*?! It is in my experience that “pictures” don’t have the beautiful
sounds of water falling over rocks in them. Also, you said nothing about her
looking at a painting/picture. What I think you meant was “she walked away from
the picturesque setting”.
Again, the
sentences are slightly stilted. There’s nothing here but movement; no details
about how she walked, about how far she had to go, about what she was thinking
while she walked...
“She found her
bench, where she was to meet him, and sat on the hard wood with chipping green
paint.”
I think you meant “covered
in” instead of “with”.
“and annoyance
gradually took it's place.”
Its
“'Is he late? No.
He wouldn't be late, it's been too long since we've seen each other,'”
Take away the
quotations, and instead put it in italics. Then, add in a period. This will
denote that she was thinking it, and help to separate it from your normal
sentences.
“She thought as
she recalled the last time they'd seen each other.”
You’d do better to
say something more along the lines of how nervous she was. Then, she could look
down at the bench and think of the last time she’d been there with him. That
would be a much less dry method of telling the story, and would also usher in
the flashback much easier.
Again, use italics
to setoff the flashback as the memory/thoughts that she is thinking right at
that moment in time. I would also put in an extra space or so to help separate it
just a tad.
“In the end they
didn't say goodbye, it was too final for them.”
Change the comma
into a semi-colon.
“He kissed her
cheek then her eyes, one after another, making her tears dissolve away, before
slipping from her arms.”
“making her tears
dissolve away” is rather weird phrasing for the action I think you were trying
to get across. I recommend rephrasing it.
“he told her of
his impending visit.”
Change “told her”
to “had mentioned”.
“She'd been in a
coma ever since.”
That is EXTREMELY
weird phrasing for what you are trying to imply. A coma means that she was
asleep, unable to interact with the world or even with herself, even unable to
THINK. I think you mean something more along the lines of distracted from the
world.
“She though of
nothing but him and his visit.”
Thought, not
though.
Again, work on
your detail and on lengthening your sentences.
~SilverCaladan ~
p.s. IM me,
please. We should talk more about how to improve your fic.
Alright, I’ve
finally gotten around to looking at your fic. Sorry, it took so long, but I’ve
been rather… busy.
ANYWAY, my first
comment is that you should think about changing your penname. Princess18 is
slightly... well, let me put it this way. Numbers are usually not reliable, and
“princess” makes you sound conceited. Try something more original… like
something that most people would not think of using. I merged two things
together to create my penname, perhaps you should try something like that? It
will help as an exercise in creativity.
Also, what does “Itte
Marimasu” mean? I don’t know about you, but I don’t speak Japanese and neither
does the majority of the English speaking populace. Since your fic is posted in
English, either provide a translation or change the title to English.
Your summary gives
away too much; you should try to make it more flowing, or concentrate on
describing only the first chapter or so in it. You want readers to be intrigued,
and to keep guessing what the plot will be about. This current summary
basically gives away everything but the characters and your ending. I can
surmise, from what you have written (and not having read your fic yet) that the
main character will be about a girl who feels something is missing, or who has
a friend that has moved away a long time ago. He (the other main character)
moves back, and they go through a lot of angst, romance, and friendship. Then,
when he is suddenly gone again, she either decides to go after him, move on, or
commit suicide.
Did I guess the
plotline? If I did... that would make it rather cliché. Then, it would fall
under the category of “Long Lost Friend becomes Soulmate/Lover”.
Change the summary
so that you don’t give so much away about your plot.
I recommend that
you go back through and utilize the quickedit feature; repost this story with
formatting. I, personally, HATE quickedit, but for someone who doesn’t
understand how to post in html, quickedit is a blessing. Put spaces between
your author’s notes and your story, underline your story and chapter title… you
know, the little formatting tricks that make all the difference between a good
looking story and a pathetic one.
Urgh, well, now
that I’ve read through your current chapter/prologue/story, I can definitely
tell you that it is cliché. Unless you have something weird and unusual up your
sleeve, this romance story has been done many times before. If you do want to
keep this current plotline… I would recommend you talk to me over IM and tell
me exactly what you meant to do. I can suggest points where you could change
things, and such.
Currently,
however, you’ve got Usagi having a “secret” relationship with one of the Gundam
pilots. This is impossible for many reasons; one of the major ones being that
Usagi cannot keep a secret from the senshi to save her life. She’s talkative,
and likes to brag, especially about guys. She would have at least bragged about
how hot he was, if nothing else.
And what have you
done with Mamoru? Last I checked, they were rather... close... so you *might*
want to explain what happened to him.
Where would the
pilot and Usagi have met and fallen in love as you describe? None of the pilots
led happy-go-lucky lives in the suburbs like Usagi... so the “meeting as a
childhood friend” idea is completely crap.
Another damper on
your plotline is that how could the pilot, if “forced to go away” for long
periods of time (I’m going to assume on missions, here)... how could she send
him long letters? He could, perhaps, send her an anonymous letter so as to not
give away his location, but her, send him, letters?! No, that’s no possible.
Secrecy, ya know. Someone could track down him through her, and that’s not wise
considering the pilots often go undercover.
Your plot is also
constrained by the personalities of the Gundam pilots. Judging by the care and
emotion that the pilot shows in dealing with her, I’m going to assume that the
pilot is Quatre, or perhaps Duo if he were being particularly silent.
Uh... this is
really too short to say anything more on the subject of plot. I would really
rather prefer that you IM me (I’m always on MSN messenger or AIM) and we could
discuss this in further detail. Still, from what I can see, it is your average,
run-of-the-mill romance cliché.
“Glancing up at
the sky, the light blueness of it, she smiled.”
This is an alright
first line. I would recommend adding in an “and” before “the”, and an “all”
after “it”. Otherwise, it opens it nicely. Good description of the sky, it
shows movement, and sets down who will be really narrating the story.
The next paragraph
has very little flow. The sentences are short, and stilted, with little to no
description or emotion. It is almost as if you are just trying to convey the
relevant information as fast as you could so that you could get on to writing
the “juicy” parts. In essence, a “kindergarten teacher’s writing”. What you
need to do is work on lengthening your sentences and adding in more detail. Does
she know where he “comes back” from? Was she excited about meeting his friends?
What had he said about them? What did she think they would be like? Why would
there be people in her secret spot? How is she so sure that no one knows about
this place but him? What does the secret spot really look like?
She does, after
all, live in a very populated city whose idea of “wilderness” is a selection of
parks. There are so many people that “secret spots” are bound to be much more
populated than one would think.
“The water
pitter-pattered as it fell from the rock water fall into the clear pool at the
bottom.”
I think this is
actually a typo. Nonetheless, take out “water fall into” and replace it with “and”.
However, I am a bit at a loss here. What, exactly, are you a describing? Are
you describing a small trickle of water flowing down a rock? If so, where from?
Are you describing a waterfall falling into a small pond? This sentence doesn’t
help with the description, it just confuses it more.
“Beautiful colors
swam around in the large lake.”
Waterfalls do not
usually fall into a “large lake” unless the waterfall itself is huge. The
previous words of “clear pool at the bottom” also don’t agree with the phrase “large
lake”; rather, they denote a small, cold pond that would be perfect for wading
or a swim. Besides, a “secret spot” along a large lake probably isn’t secret.
Someone is bound to be boating or swimming or walking along the shores of the
lake. A small pond is less likely to be noticed. The phrase “beautiful colors”,
while interesting, also cannot be correct. Water does not reflect colors unless
they are in oil along the top, in the sky, or along the shore. The water itself
should have no real color other than maybe a murky brown, clear blue, or the
color of the rock/dirt underneath.
If you meant to
describe the setting *around* the pond was full of beautiful colors, then
please, make sure you do so. Mention something about how it was reflected along
the lake’s surface.
“Turning, she
walked away from the beautiful picture and walked through all of the trees
concealing the place.”
Again, there
cannot be a large lake if trees can conceal it. Also, she’s walking away from a
*picture*?! It is in my experience that “pictures” don’t have the beautiful
sounds of water falling over rocks in them. Also, you said nothing about her
looking at a painting/picture. What I think you meant was “she walked away from
the picturesque setting”.
Again, the
sentences are slightly stilted. There’s nothing here but movement; no details
about how she walked, about how far she had to go, about what she was thinking
while she walked...
“She found her
bench, where she was to meet him, and sat on the hard wood with chipping green
paint.”
I think you meant “covered
in” instead of “with”.
“and annoyance
gradually took it's place.”
Its
“'Is he late? No.
He wouldn't be late, it's been too long since we've seen each other,'”
Take away the
quotations, and instead put it in italics. Then, add in a period. This will
denote that she was thinking it, and help to separate it from your normal
sentences.
“She thought as
she recalled the last time they'd seen each other.”
You’d do better to
say something more along the lines of how nervous she was. Then, she could look
down at the bench and think of the last time she’d been there with him. That
would be a much less dry method of telling the story, and would also usher in
the flashback much easier.
Again, use italics
to setoff the flashback as the memory/thoughts that she is thinking right at
that moment in time. I would also put in an extra space or so to help separate it
just a tad.
“In the end they
didn't say goodbye, it was too final for them.”
Change the comma
into a semi-colon.
“He kissed her
cheek then her eyes, one after another, making her tears dissolve away, before
slipping from her arms.”
“making her tears
dissolve away” is rather weird phrasing for the action I think you were trying
to get across. I recommend rephrasing it.
“he told her of
his impending visit.”
Change “told her”
to “had mentioned”.
“She'd been in a
coma ever since.”
That is EXTREMELY
weird phrasing for what you are trying to imply. A coma means that she was
asleep, unable to interact with the world or even with herself, even unable to
THINK. I think you mean something more along the lines of distracted from the
world.
“She though of
nothing but him and his visit.”
Thought, not
though.
Again, work on
your detail and on lengthening your sentences.
~SilverCaladan ~
p.s. IM me,
please. We should talk more about how to improve your fic.