back to normal...
I decided I'm not gonna listen to any "emotions-related" music for a while... perhaps it helps me not to trigger my emotions in a negative way....
After the episode on friday... i got really paranoid... I was doing so well the past few weeks (perhaps a month) that i would never believe i'd have such an awful episode. Saturday was a seldom okay day... not super nor awful, just an average "feeling numb" day, as ususal the nights are a bit worse... i was feeling kinda jaded in the night but i figured it would be emotional residue from the episode.
Sunday i was back to normal (or so i though) i just didn't want to be alone so that i wouldn't self-absorve in my emotional bubble, i was excited to see my mom, she was gone for the weekened... but when she did get here... i rememberred why i like it so much when she goes away... i don't know why do i even bother in missing her... in expecting her to miss me too... to just be happy around the house and help me be happy...
it was good having my friends over for a movie... the downside to it... a movie about depression, Dashboard Confessionals (that makes me cry my eyes out), and watching other people be perfectly happy as i drown in loneliness... but even as the blue-ness setted in last night... i was still holding on strong... trying to ignore it all...
Today I'm forgetting about it all i think of the episode as a random fact that happen in a random situation... just an individual event... not the trigger to going back to the mess... i go through the motions... just to get home and it all starts again... i hear from mom all my therapist has been trying to get outside my head... and i have to confess that i believe my mother more than i do my therapist so i end up believing all she says: I'm irresponsible, unfair, immature, short of thinking, selfish, heartless, unconsidered, mediocre, fat, spendthrift, but above all... i'm just a complete failure...
As if it's not hard enough to hear myself punish me for beeing all this i have to hear it from the one person i can't get ridd off... if only i could hate her life would be so much easier...
So here again almost as bad as friday... just not self-absorved, wishing she goes to sleep fast so I can find a way out of this, out of this house or out of this life...
After the episode on friday... i got really paranoid... I was doing so well the past few weeks (perhaps a month) that i would never believe i'd have such an awful episode. Saturday was a seldom okay day... not super nor awful, just an average "feeling numb" day, as ususal the nights are a bit worse... i was feeling kinda jaded in the night but i figured it would be emotional residue from the episode.
Sunday i was back to normal (or so i though) i just didn't want to be alone so that i wouldn't self-absorve in my emotional bubble, i was excited to see my mom, she was gone for the weekened... but when she did get here... i rememberred why i like it so much when she goes away... i don't know why do i even bother in missing her... in expecting her to miss me too... to just be happy around the house and help me be happy...
it was good having my friends over for a movie... the downside to it... a movie about depression, Dashboard Confessionals (that makes me cry my eyes out), and watching other people be perfectly happy as i drown in loneliness... but even as the blue-ness setted in last night... i was still holding on strong... trying to ignore it all...
Today I'm forgetting about it all i think of the episode as a random fact that happen in a random situation... just an individual event... not the trigger to going back to the mess... i go through the motions... just to get home and it all starts again... i hear from mom all my therapist has been trying to get outside my head... and i have to confess that i believe my mother more than i do my therapist so i end up believing all she says: I'm irresponsible, unfair, immature, short of thinking, selfish, heartless, unconsidered, mediocre, fat, spendthrift, but above all... i'm just a complete failure...
As if it's not hard enough to hear myself punish me for beeing all this i have to hear it from the one person i can't get ridd off... if only i could hate her life would be so much easier...
So here again almost as bad as friday... just not self-absorved, wishing she goes to sleep fast so I can find a way out of this, out of this house or out of this life...