I confess. I'm depressed.
I feel really awful right now. I feel as though everything in my life is going wrong or that I'm somehow messing up everything I even look at. Nothing seems to be fulfilling, I know I have a good relationship with Matt but that is literally the only saving grace that I have at this moment in time. I'm having problems with my creative writing module this year - nothing I write seems good enough for me and the drafts I give in for workshop are nothing close to what I was giving in last year, which I was quite pleased with. I'm struggling financially as well, because I tend to spend to make myself feel better, which only deepens the circle of depression even more.
My depression is probably linked to my inherent lack of self-esteem. My parents keep making comments about my weight and that I should be trying to lose some weight, which drives me to comfort-eat and make myself even fatter. My boyfriend doesn't see me as fat but he seems to be the only person in my life who is telling me this. I look in the mirror and I see Venus of Willendorf, literally. I try to lose weight but then I have a slip and give up. I don't think I can say that I am happy, although my weight isn't the main problem here, my self-esteem is. I put on this confident and happy facade, but deep down inside I feel like a scared little girl. This is very hard for me to write, but I can't keep it inside any more. Something needs to change, I can't go on like this anymore. I feel like I want to get into my car and drive away and never come back, just disappear from all the pressure and the expectation and become somebody happy, the real me, living a different and better life. I love Matt and I don't want to lose him, he's the only thing I would want to take with me.
I'm glad I got that out.
My depression is probably linked to my inherent lack of self-esteem. My parents keep making comments about my weight and that I should be trying to lose some weight, which drives me to comfort-eat and make myself even fatter. My boyfriend doesn't see me as fat but he seems to be the only person in my life who is telling me this. I look in the mirror and I see Venus of Willendorf, literally. I try to lose weight but then I have a slip and give up. I don't think I can say that I am happy, although my weight isn't the main problem here, my self-esteem is. I put on this confident and happy facade, but deep down inside I feel like a scared little girl. This is very hard for me to write, but I can't keep it inside any more. Something needs to change, I can't go on like this anymore. I feel like I want to get into my car and drive away and never come back, just disappear from all the pressure and the expectation and become somebody happy, the real me, living a different and better life. I love Matt and I don't want to lose him, he's the only thing I would want to take with me.
I'm glad I got that out.