Amirah
I found out yesterday. I typed that entry and put down the memories that everyone had sent me so far, but I still felt numb to the whole thing. I still haven't cried. The tears are there...I just can't get at 'em. I didn't have a chance to yesterday. I had invited New Jason over to hang out...and got the call just before he called to tell me he was downstairs. I didn't cry then. He held me and I didn't cry...I felt numb. I still do. I guess it just doesn't feel real yet. I've mourned already. I lost my hope over the summer even, but...for someone so amazing as Amirah, I should feel more then numb-ness now for her passing.
We're so young. We're not even out of our teenage years. She was going to be a teacher. She told me once. A music teacher. Our personal joke was that I was her "sophomore friend." When we first met she had been convinced that I was a year older. So throughout high school I was always the "sophomore friend" and then "the junior friend" and finally the "senior friend" and the "freshman in college friend." I teased her and called her my black twin. I actually had a crush on her at one point. I never told her because I nearly lost her friendship at one point. During junior year, when I really came out of the closet and all that, I told her I was bi. She didn't talk to me for two months after that. I think she finally realized that she perferred my friendship. I didn't see her as much as I could during senior year. I always felt that I couldn't keep her entertained. I loved to make her smile and laugh, but I sometimes felt that I just couldn't keep her interested. She would actually exhaust even me. I didn't want to see her unless I knew I could keep her well entertained. Actually...I also was a little selfish. I wanted to hang out with her, just the two of us like we used to, but without Xan, her boyfriend. I felt uncomfortable around the two since they were always cuddling in the backseat and I felt like more of their driver and third wheel then a friend. A few times I acutally insisted that we hang out without him. I was very selfish, I know. She would come over to my house sometimes. Just ride her bike right over and ring the doorbell, not even calling before cuz she knew she was always welcome. Mom and Dad joked about her being another kid in our household. Merlin bit her once when she slept over. The trundle bed was too close to my bed and I was already in bed when she started to slip into hers. Not even a sound of warning, he leaned over and nipped her on the thigh. It bled a little, but we were mostly in shock. It was more bruised then anything else. After that, we were paranoid about those beds and how close they were. I remember asking her to sing for my 18th birthday. That was going to be my present. I wanted her to sing "You have your Daddy's hands" she sang that for something else, but I don't remember. I always thought it to be very beautiful. I remembre her 16th birthday. It was a themed party for fairies. I wore that slinky black dress that I have, with teh two slits up the side. There's probably a picture of me sitting with my legs poking out of hte slits since it was so warm. The airconditioning wasn't working so well, but I remember her whole family being there. We sang kareoke. I remember her mom getting out there and belting the words along with Amirah while we all swayed in the background. I remember singing with her for pop show in junior year. I was so proud that I would have the honor of singing on a stage with her. We tried to practice, but I had a lot of trouble with the harmony. Mara helped us. The song was, "Tell Him" by Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand. I sang Barbara Streisand's part. I remember when I first started becoming good friends with her. It was the summer of our freshman year. We (Beena, Amirah, and I) decided that we were gonna see if we could pass off that I was 22 and getting married so we could try on some of the wedding dresses. Amirah and Beena were gonna be my "bride's maids." I only tried on one dress after I had to leave. They wanted me to fill out some registration forms. I bullshitted through the thing and started feeling nouxious (SP?) because of all the lying I was doing. Finally I managed to drag the two of them out. We stopped by another store in the Meyerland Plaza and bought cameras. Then we went to Macys...or maybe it was Palace Royale and tried on various dresses in the handicap dressing room so all three of us could fit in there. We later joked about how we must have sounded to the people outside. "Stick that ass out!" "I want more boobs!" "Up against the wall!" Amirah shoved socks in her bra to make it look like she had more chest. She was always very self conscious about the fact that she had smaller breasts. It was another one of our personal jokes. She would complain about being cold sometimes and then look at me and say "Well I know what part of you is warm!" or something of that sort. I teased her about being small chested just as much as she teased me about being huge. I remember bragging about her constantly to other people. I was so proud of her and still am. She had the ability to make anyone feel like they were her best friend and most important person at that time. She was bright. That's the best way I can think of it. She was brightness in every situation and every where she went. I remember right before she got diagnosed, she was having severe headaches, but I didn't think uch of 'em. I mean, she had so much going on, how could you not get a headache? I just thought she was overdoing some stuff. I should have spoken up or something, but she just didn't complain enough that I didn't think much of it. I better go. Those are my thoughts for now.
We're so young. We're not even out of our teenage years. She was going to be a teacher. She told me once. A music teacher. Our personal joke was that I was her "sophomore friend." When we first met she had been convinced that I was a year older. So throughout high school I was always the "sophomore friend" and then "the junior friend" and finally the "senior friend" and the "freshman in college friend." I teased her and called her my black twin. I actually had a crush on her at one point. I never told her because I nearly lost her friendship at one point. During junior year, when I really came out of the closet and all that, I told her I was bi. She didn't talk to me for two months after that. I think she finally realized that she perferred my friendship. I didn't see her as much as I could during senior year. I always felt that I couldn't keep her entertained. I loved to make her smile and laugh, but I sometimes felt that I just couldn't keep her interested. She would actually exhaust even me. I didn't want to see her unless I knew I could keep her well entertained. Actually...I also was a little selfish. I wanted to hang out with her, just the two of us like we used to, but without Xan, her boyfriend. I felt uncomfortable around the two since they were always cuddling in the backseat and I felt like more of their driver and third wheel then a friend. A few times I acutally insisted that we hang out without him. I was very selfish, I know. She would come over to my house sometimes. Just ride her bike right over and ring the doorbell, not even calling before cuz she knew she was always welcome. Mom and Dad joked about her being another kid in our household. Merlin bit her once when she slept over. The trundle bed was too close to my bed and I was already in bed when she started to slip into hers. Not even a sound of warning, he leaned over and nipped her on the thigh. It bled a little, but we were mostly in shock. It was more bruised then anything else. After that, we were paranoid about those beds and how close they were. I remember asking her to sing for my 18th birthday. That was going to be my present. I wanted her to sing "You have your Daddy's hands" she sang that for something else, but I don't remember. I always thought it to be very beautiful. I remembre her 16th birthday. It was a themed party for fairies. I wore that slinky black dress that I have, with teh two slits up the side. There's probably a picture of me sitting with my legs poking out of hte slits since it was so warm. The airconditioning wasn't working so well, but I remember her whole family being there. We sang kareoke. I remember her mom getting out there and belting the words along with Amirah while we all swayed in the background. I remember singing with her for pop show in junior year. I was so proud that I would have the honor of singing on a stage with her. We tried to practice, but I had a lot of trouble with the harmony. Mara helped us. The song was, "Tell Him" by Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand. I sang Barbara Streisand's part. I remember when I first started becoming good friends with her. It was the summer of our freshman year. We (Beena, Amirah, and I) decided that we were gonna see if we could pass off that I was 22 and getting married so we could try on some of the wedding dresses. Amirah and Beena were gonna be my "bride's maids." I only tried on one dress after I had to leave. They wanted me to fill out some registration forms. I bullshitted through the thing and started feeling nouxious (SP?) because of all the lying I was doing. Finally I managed to drag the two of them out. We stopped by another store in the Meyerland Plaza and bought cameras. Then we went to Macys...or maybe it was Palace Royale and tried on various dresses in the handicap dressing room so all three of us could fit in there. We later joked about how we must have sounded to the people outside. "Stick that ass out!" "I want more boobs!" "Up against the wall!" Amirah shoved socks in her bra to make it look like she had more chest. She was always very self conscious about the fact that she had smaller breasts. It was another one of our personal jokes. She would complain about being cold sometimes and then look at me and say "Well I know what part of you is warm!" or something of that sort. I teased her about being small chested just as much as she teased me about being huge. I remember bragging about her constantly to other people. I was so proud of her and still am. She had the ability to make anyone feel like they were her best friend and most important person at that time. She was bright. That's the best way I can think of it. She was brightness in every situation and every where she went. I remember right before she got diagnosed, she was having severe headaches, but I didn't think uch of 'em. I mean, she had so much going on, how could you not get a headache? I just thought she was overdoing some stuff. I should have spoken up or something, but she just didn't complain enough that I didn't think much of it. I better go. Those are my thoughts for now.