Written Friday, June 8th 2012
I suppose I’m floating through a cloud of sadness, anger, shock, and denial at the moment. Life seems so fluid; it is hard to comprehend it ending in a jarring, harsh halt. All this thinking leaves a bitter aftertaste. I may as well write it all out, these thoughts swirling in chaotic tandem. Maybe then I can bear a moment’s peace.
It’s difficult to see a hard line where one life begins and another ends. We are entangled in each other. By every life we meet we further enmesh ourselves in one another- hurting and helping and loving and hating and living in close proximity. It is a bittersweet bonding; even more so when one of our number is lost.
As I write this, I grieve. One of my number was murdered this morning, and I grieve.
However, my grieving is not for my friend, who is no longer on this side of paradise, but for all the lost chances, all those times past that will never be again, all the dreams never achieved, all the life left unlived. It is selfish, but I grieve for all of us left behind. Never again will we know that special feeling that only my friend could share with us. It is so bizarre, realizing that he’s not here anymore. After all, he only just graduated high school, by estimate of today’s average lifespan he had more than enough time left.
Time is such a tricky thing, giving the illusion of infinity, always promising tomorrow, when in fact we are not all entitled to live long and prosper. There always lies a chance that we will be cut short. There is a chance we will mourn for our friends and loved ones who are taken too soon for our liking. The message “live like you were dying” seems pertinent now, seeing as the end is unforeseeable and unknowable until it takes you away.
Being who I am, and living as I have lived, I do not understand how one can feel entitled to taking another’s life. What gives you the right to knowingly and purposefully harm your family and fellow man? The mere thought is shameful. The act itself is unforgivable. I pity you who would commit such a crime, you are less than human.
I don’t think I ever told my friend how remarkable he is. That bothers me now. Did he know how awesome his smiles were? How he was infallibly good at cheering other people up? How about his unmatchable style, did he know how neat it was? Did he know that we all wholeheartedly supported his dream of acting? Did he know how much we loved him? Does he know how much we miss him?
Matt, I miss you. We miss you so much. I only wish it wasn’t necessary to say that.
______________________________________________
Fast forward to today: The funeral. I'm not ready to bury a friend.
It’s difficult to see a hard line where one life begins and another ends. We are entangled in each other. By every life we meet we further enmesh ourselves in one another- hurting and helping and loving and hating and living in close proximity. It is a bittersweet bonding; even more so when one of our number is lost.
As I write this, I grieve. One of my number was murdered this morning, and I grieve.
However, my grieving is not for my friend, who is no longer on this side of paradise, but for all the lost chances, all those times past that will never be again, all the dreams never achieved, all the life left unlived. It is selfish, but I grieve for all of us left behind. Never again will we know that special feeling that only my friend could share with us. It is so bizarre, realizing that he’s not here anymore. After all, he only just graduated high school, by estimate of today’s average lifespan he had more than enough time left.
Time is such a tricky thing, giving the illusion of infinity, always promising tomorrow, when in fact we are not all entitled to live long and prosper. There always lies a chance that we will be cut short. There is a chance we will mourn for our friends and loved ones who are taken too soon for our liking. The message “live like you were dying” seems pertinent now, seeing as the end is unforeseeable and unknowable until it takes you away.
Being who I am, and living as I have lived, I do not understand how one can feel entitled to taking another’s life. What gives you the right to knowingly and purposefully harm your family and fellow man? The mere thought is shameful. The act itself is unforgivable. I pity you who would commit such a crime, you are less than human.
I don’t think I ever told my friend how remarkable he is. That bothers me now. Did he know how awesome his smiles were? How he was infallibly good at cheering other people up? How about his unmatchable style, did he know how neat it was? Did he know that we all wholeheartedly supported his dream of acting? Did he know how much we loved him? Does he know how much we miss him?
Matt, I miss you. We miss you so much. I only wish it wasn’t necessary to say that.
______________________________________________
Fast forward to today: The funeral. I'm not ready to bury a friend.