Summer
Ok so here goes. I have more frustration right now that I need and to top it off it's summer. Now I know that the rest of the population finds summer relaxing or fun or whatever but I find it difficult on my psyche. Every summer since I was five I have had more time to think than was good for me. I would sit and think of everything that was wrong with me and how I could change. I wanted to be thinner, I wanted to start a hobby (everything from ballet to cross-stitch), I wanted to love myself, I wanted to take back all the stupid thinks I did in the past. Most of all I wanted to not be me. This summer I don't have extra time. In fact I have less time than I have ever had. However, the thoughts come as inexorably as the warm weather. The long hours of sunlight seep deep into my soul and pull forth all of the dark corners from my mind. In the light of the sun there is no where to hide my shortcomings and my failures. In the heat of the long days there is no covering my obvious failure at being "perfect" and my internal judge uses this spotlight to hound me. The most ironic thing that my internal judge has started harping on is it's own existence. If I were "perfect" I would not be so judgemental of myself. What kind of fucked up shit is that! It is one thing to think less of yourself for eating bad foods or not going to the gym or failing a test, but to think less of yourself for thinking less of yourself is just plain stupid. But why then can I not stop? Why do I have to endure my own vicious cycle when I know that it is stupid? Why must the light shine on so uncaring? Why must my soul become exposed for four months of the year? I want a nap.. I want a cigarette... I want to find a dark place to hide and wait out this vicious light........