(no subject)
every time i feel myself getting even the slightest bit bloated or bigger i feel as though people notice.
I end up falling into faulty thinking patterns and actually believing that anyone who glances at me will no longer consider me thin and that even if they do, it won't be considered thin enough to be exceptional. This usually happens after i have a (good?) day where i've actually managed to have meals and keep them down or after i've just had a meal and my stomach is no longer concave. It is far more stressful than it should be and I hate it. I always wear my boyfriends jacket or one of his t-shirts after i eat a meal just to hide the fact that my stomach has expanded (not to hide it from him, just to hide it in general i guess?). I'm so tired of it. There's not nearly enough reward from this lifestyle and there's so so much loss. Yet i can't seem to let go. I think a large part of that is because even though i stress now about how i look and what i weigh- i remember that at larger weights it felt a lot worse. If i think rationally, then i can identify that this was the case because i still had an eating disorder (and therefore the associated mindset) at those higher weights so that is why i was so unhappy and anxious about leaving the house/being seen/being judged/everything in the world..and by that logic i can reasonably assume that if i heal completely from this eating disorder and proper cognitive restructuring occurs, then my weight will not be a big enough issue to me for it it make me feel bad and sad and anxious etc.
Unfortunately, knowing this is not enough right now to help me move forward.
Life still feels (and is) unstable, and food/eating/consumption/weight control is still my go-to coping tool.
To this day i still feel devastated by the fact that i lost the weight and life was still hard. There are too many other factors at play here.
Furthermore, i don't really like who i am..yet my personality prohibits changing who i am without feeling ten times worse about myself simply because it means i wasn't good enough to begin with.
I end up falling into faulty thinking patterns and actually believing that anyone who glances at me will no longer consider me thin and that even if they do, it won't be considered thin enough to be exceptional. This usually happens after i have a (good?) day where i've actually managed to have meals and keep them down or after i've just had a meal and my stomach is no longer concave. It is far more stressful than it should be and I hate it. I always wear my boyfriends jacket or one of his t-shirts after i eat a meal just to hide the fact that my stomach has expanded (not to hide it from him, just to hide it in general i guess?). I'm so tired of it. There's not nearly enough reward from this lifestyle and there's so so much loss. Yet i can't seem to let go. I think a large part of that is because even though i stress now about how i look and what i weigh- i remember that at larger weights it felt a lot worse. If i think rationally, then i can identify that this was the case because i still had an eating disorder (and therefore the associated mindset) at those higher weights so that is why i was so unhappy and anxious about leaving the house/being seen/being judged/everything in the world..and by that logic i can reasonably assume that if i heal completely from this eating disorder and proper cognitive restructuring occurs, then my weight will not be a big enough issue to me for it it make me feel bad and sad and anxious etc.
Unfortunately, knowing this is not enough right now to help me move forward.
Life still feels (and is) unstable, and food/eating/consumption/weight control is still my go-to coping tool.
To this day i still feel devastated by the fact that i lost the weight and life was still hard. There are too many other factors at play here.
Furthermore, i don't really like who i am..yet my personality prohibits changing who i am without feeling ten times worse about myself simply because it means i wasn't good enough to begin with.